Yesterday was Groundhog Day, a holiday in which America celebrates its most beloved groundhog Punxsutawney Phil as he helps us to determine when winter will end this year.

Today, America celebrates its second most beloved rodent, Poughkeepsie Pete. As we all know, Pete is a chipmunk who every February 3^rd is observed climbing down out of his tree to forage for nuts. If during this process Pete never eats a single blade of grass, then the world is safe for another year. If, however, Pete plucks a blade of grass out of the ground and eats the entire thing, then Zerodax the Consumer will ride to Earth on a meteor and swallow the planet before the end of spring.

The tradition was started by 15^th century cultists who settled in an area that is now Poughkeepsie, New York. Since then the cult has dissipated, but its traditions and values have taken root in the town and neighboring communities. Though few still worship and sacrifice to Zerodax, many still believe in Him and that His coming can be foretold by Poughkeepsie Pete, or “The Critter of Damnation.”

Pete has been known to nibble on some grass a few times, but this is the first year in recorded history that he has finished an entire blade. The townsfolk of Poughkeepsie as well as everyone across the nation who believes in the prophecy have taken this as a sure sign of the End Times. Riots have been sprouting up in small towns across the nation as looters have taken to the streets in an attempt to stock up for the Coming of the Consumer.

A number of Americans still don’t believe that all is lost, however, hoping that Hoboken Herbert, a rat better known as America’s third most beloved rodent, will emerge from his dumpster and attempt to bite off his own tail, as this is a sign that Zerodax’s meteor has been deflected.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

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