New York

Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

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A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Subway Performer Wishes Child at Other Table Would Shut The Fuck Up

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Debra Cheron, a street performer who frequently plays percussion instruments in the New York City subway, really wishes the screaming child a few tables over would just shut the fuck up.

“Everyone’s just trying to mind their own business and we have to sit here listening to this loud, ridiculous noise? It’s unacceptable,” says Debra. “You should know better than to bring your cacophonous twerp to a public space.”

Debra continued to bring up other instances that she views as “noise violations.”

“Why do I have to listen to your phone conversation just because we’re sharing a bench at the park? Don’t I deserve some peace and quiet?”

Debra spends most of her weekends in the subway with an assortment of pots, pans, plastic boxes and other household objects that she can use as drums, banging away into a microphone and speaker so she can earn money to pay for marijuana.

“Don’t do construction if there’s people walking around,” continued Debra. “You should have the decency to power down your jackhammer or drill or whatever when you see someone walking towards you.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Teenage Protagonist’s Test Scores Through the Roof

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Mitchell Harlow, a 16-year-old boy currently attending an inner-city high school in the Bronx, amazed some of his teachers yesterday when his standardized test scores placed him in the top five percentile of other students his age across the country. Mitchell’s math teacher, however, was not surprised by the score’s results.

“Mitchell doesn’t try very hard,” Mitchell’s math teacher Deborah Swinton reportedly said during a Parent-Teacher Conference with Mitchell’s single mother who’s struggling to balance three jobs. “But he’s a bright boy. He only pretends to be unintelligent to fit in with the other boys his age.”

Ms. Swinton then recommended that Mitchell be placed in advanced classes, however Mitchell’s mother is against this idea and wants her son to leave school and find a job so he can help raise his younger siblings.

This of course has left Mitchell conflicted. Deep down the high school student wants to continue his scholastic career and eventually go to college despite peer pressure from his friends to ignore schoolwork. At the same time, Mitchell feels that staying home and helping his mother is the right thing to do for the family, despite his youngest sibling urging him to continue schooling because she no longer can due to a generic, chronic illness.

Mitchell will presumably have the spend the course of the next few months battling these internal conflicts over a period of short, minutes-long interactions and occurrences that total to about two hours while trying to win the respect of his peers and acceptance of his mother. Also Ms. Swinton could be played by Sandra Bullock.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Woman’s Unfinished Screenplay Only Conversation Topic During Entire Night Out

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25-year-old Millicent Ferris was spotted in a Manhattan bar last Saturday where she reportedly spent every conversation talking about her unfinished screenplay. Every stranger Millicent spoke with that evening has come forward admitting that it was about the most boring night out any of them had experienced.

“On and on she was going with this movie thing,” said Dave Tucci, one of the men Millicent conversed with. “I was like, good God, lady, if this is what you’re like the night of, I don’t even want to know what you’re like the morning after.”

Millicent graduated college with a degree in finance but has spent the last three years unemployed so that she has time to work on her screenplay. Millicent moved to New York shortly after graduating to “be inspired” and “ease her tortured soul” while she lives off of checks her parents send.

“Yeah, I’m a creative,” said Millicent. “I like to express myself. It’s not my fault if nobody listens to my voice or what I have to say, whether or not it’s about the screenplay I’m working on. It’s called ‘Ghosts of Our Mothers’ and it’s about this girl who moved to New York and she’s trying to write a screenplay but she doesn’t really know what it’s about…”

Millicent continued on to tell us about her screenplay. Now this is just one reporter’s opinion, but it’s a confusing piece of hippie garbage that I wouldn’t even watch inebriated.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Poughkeepsie Pete Consumes Blade of Grass

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Yesterday was Groundhog Day, a holiday in which America celebrates its most beloved groundhog Punxsutawney Phil as he helps us to determine when winter will end this year.

Today, America celebrates its second most beloved rodent, Poughkeepsie Pete. As we all know, Pete is a chipmunk who every February 3rd is observed climbing down out of his tree to forage for nuts. If during this process Pete never eats a single blade of grass, then the world is safe for another year. If, however, Pete plucks a blade of grass out of the ground and eats the entire thing, then Zerodax the Consumer will ride to Earth on a meteor and swallow the planet before the end of spring.

The tradition was started by 15th century cultists who settled in an area that is now Poughkeepsie, New York. Since then the cult has dissipated, but its traditions and values have taken root in the town and neighboring communities. Though few still worship and sacrifice to Zerodax, many still believe in Him and that His coming can be foretold by Poughkeepsie Pete, or “The Critter of Damnation.”

Pete has been known to nibble on some grass a few times, but this is the first year in recorded history that he has finished an entire blade. The townsfolk of Poughkeepsie as well as everyone across the nation who believes in the prophecy have taken this as a sure sign of the End Times. Riots have been sprouting up in small towns across the nation as looters have taken to the streets in an attempt to stock up for the Coming of the Consumer.

A number of Americans still don’t believe that all is lost, however, hoping that Hoboken Herbert, a rat better known as America’s third most beloved rodent, will emerge from his dumpster and attempt to bite off his own tail, as this is a sign that Zerodax’s meteor has been deflected.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.