Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Advertisements

11 Back to School Tips (College)

Whether you’re just starting out or it’s your senior year, moving into college can be stressful. Take these tips into account to make your collegiate transition simple and smooth!

 

1. Know which of your organs you can live without. This will make paying for textbooks swift and easy.

2. Learn each of your professor’s vices so you don’t waste any time when you need to blackmail them for a higher grade.

3. If a pencil is yellow, it’s ripe and ready to use. If it has turned brown then it has likely gone bad and you shouldn’t buy it.

4. Befriend your roommate’s dealer immediately.

5. Make sure all of the posters you put up in your dorm are of normal interests befitting of an ordinary young person. This ruse will ensure your roommates believe you to be an average, unassuming earth-human.

6. Check to see if your college or university has a deal with local fax machine vendors before purchasing one.

7. Carry an automatic weapon with you at all times in the event of an active shooter situation, you magnificent hero.

8. Delta house’s Boogie Nights party might not be until February, but it’s always the hottest party of the year. Start preparing!

9. Make sure to join your school’s Gay-Straight Student Alliance Club or you’ll be bullied all semester.

10. You should have a fake ID by the time you get to college so that you can easily purchase fake alcohol.

11. When you break into your professor’s condo to steal the answers to every test this semester, make sure you also take any electronics or jewelry he or she might have so it looks like a regular burglary.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.