New Mexico

Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

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A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Office Daredevil Wears Jeans to Work

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Dale Costello of Santa Fe, New Mexico, showed up for work wearing jeans today. The stunt shocked Dale’s coworkers, although some say they saw it coming.

“Dale’s really been flaking out recently,” says Patrick Hannedy who works in a cubicle across from Dale. “I’m not sure what’s been going on with him but he’s gonna start seeing some repercussions if he doesn’t get his act together pretty soon.”

Other employees have been watching Dale’s slow downfall into mediocrity closely, noting that this all began some time last month. Dale came into work during casual Friday wearing jeans instead of the preferred and acceptable choice of khakis or dockers. Dale then wore khakis the following Monday, which should have been a normal suit-and-tie day. Dale has devolved back to jeans on normal days, and basketball shorts on casual Fridays.

Unfortunately for his employers, Dale is the best at what he does so firing him isn’t an option. Dale is also something of a loose cannon so reprimanding him wouldn’t accomplish anything. As a result, Dale’s bosses have found a happy medium in which they too wear basketball shorts, but continue to wear a suit and tie above the waist.

Dale’s attitude, meanwhile, continues to be a distraction to his workmates.

“I don’t understand why he can’t just clean himself up every once in a while,” says Debra Fitzgerald, a fellow employee. “His workspace is littered with trash and sometimes he just takes his pants off and hangs them up on a clothes line he brought. Like, for no reason. There’s absolutely no reason to do that. I just don’t understand it.”

Several workplace schlubs have taken after Dale’s example and have begun to show up in inappropriate attire as well. Many hopeful white-collar workers in nearby offices hope that this revolution finds its way into office place norm.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.