SPECIAL REPORT: Football

Every Sunday, millions of Americans flock to holy sites across the country to pray, sing songs, worship heroes, and pay fourteen dollars for a hotdog. It sounds a lot like church, but actually it’s a sport called “football,” and it’s as popular in America as Dooganwibble is in Great Britain.

Football has an interesting history that uncles across the United States know too much about. It started in the Depression Era when Americans needed a distraction from the woes of having to eat people’s shoes in order to survive. Impoverished hunks would saw off the foot of an unsuspecting stranger and then run through the streets with it until it was safe to remove the foot and boil the shoe. Police officers couldn’t afford bullets in those days, so they would tackle the foot thieves to the ground in order to stop them. Football evolved out of this tradition.

The game has changed a lot since its early days. Football is now played with an oblong leather ball called a “football.” The players of this sport are called “players,” and they play on a field that is a called a “football field.” Players have to get the ball into a zone at the end of the field, which is a region called the “end zone.”

Some of those terms might be a little too convoluted to understand, but the team names are far more memorable. Falcons, Seahawks, Eagles, Ravens, Cardinals… these are all the names of birds that have attacked me at a public swimming pool, but they are also the names of some of the teams that play this exciting sport. Some football teams have controversial names, such as the Redskins, which is a derogatory term for indigenous people; the Patriots, which is a derogatory term for Trump supporters; the Cowboys, which is a derogatory term for young men who lactate uncontrollably. Today’s politically correct culture has caused football viewership to decrease because of these offensive names, and now the games have been heavily censored.

Football is a dangerous sport, and players often sustain lifelong injuries by the end of their careers. This is what makes football so interesting, and the people in charge of the game have experimented with ways to bring even more harm to the players. There has been talk of installing landmines, sharks, cigarettes, and other dangerous elements into football fields across the country in order to make the game more exciting. Of course, the players are still cared for. All players injuries are healed at the end of each game by dunking them into a tub of a magical glowing liquid called “Gatorade,” which heals them almost instantly.

Football is as American as apple pie, coca-cola, or displacing a native population, and since the United States will exist until the end of time, so too will this wondrous and exciting sport.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.