SPECIAL REPORT: Coke Vs. Pepsi

Nothing has divided our nation more than the answer to the ultimate question: which is better, Coke or Pepsi? Many Americans argue the title of best soda belongs to Coca-Cola, the original cola company. Some, however, suggest that Pepsi has caught up and surpassed the original soda giant in terms of both freshness and taste. Others still have no preference, but those people are losers. To settle the debate once and for all, Circus Killer News sent it’s top investigative reporter, Abdulla Schmidtenhaüser, out into the field to learn a little more about this lightly refrigerated war.

Abdulla began his investigation by interviewing people in the street. Not surprisingly, many Americans took a hard stance on the issue.

“I wouldn’t drink Pepsi if it was the last beverage on Earth,” said one woman who was seemingly unaware that there was a fully untouched fried drumstick sitting in her cleavage. “My daddy was a Coke drinker, his daddy was a Coke drinker, and his daddy couldn’t drink anything ‘cause he got his throat slashed open in a bar fight as a three-year-old and any time he tried to drink somethin’ for the rest of his life it would just spurt out of his neck, but I’m sure he’d’ve been a Coke drinker, too.” Abdulla received similar remarks from devoted Pepsi drinkers.

But what makes these two beverages so different? After immersive research that lasted about fifteen seconds, Abdulla found that the ingredients for the two beverages were exactly the same. Not only that, but Coke and Pepsi are distributed by the exact same bottling company, the “Render Word Owl” Co.

It was then that Abdulla started receiving mysterious death threats. Abdulla received a message on his answering machine where a man with a voice changer told him to “stop meddling in things he didn’t understand.” A brick came crashing through a window in Abdulla’s home with a note tied to it that read, “stop asking questions, we’re watching.” Then, another brick came through another window with a different message that read, “also, who the fuck still has an answering machine? It’s 2017.”

Determined to get to the bottom of this conspiracy, Abdulla looked up information about the Render Word Owl Company. Soon he was contacted by an illusive whistleblower who went by the codename “Backdoor Tooter.” Tooter turned Abdulla onto a factory in the Midwest and told him to follow the corn syrup, so he did.

Abdulla discovered that the factory that produces Coca-Cola is the exact same one that produces Pepsi. Abdulla reported watching in horror as black, fizzy liquid from one giant vat was funneled into two separate conveyer belts, one for Coke bottles and another for Pepsi. All the workers were children who were being whipped by a man wearing sandals, a skirt, and a cloth headdress. It was a gruesome sight.

Abdulla reported all of this over the phone, but the call was cut short before he could tell us where he was. That was several weeks ago, and we haven’t heard from him since. Circus Killer News is presuming Abdulla Schmidtenhaüser dead, making him the fifteenth reporter this year who was killed by getting too close to something, although the other fourteen all died at once when our printer exploded.

We are hereby suspending our investigation into the Coke/Pepsi war.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Worldwide Soda Shortage Reaches Third Week

The planet has been in an international soda recession since the start of December, and there seems to be no sign of a turn around. Researchers studying the world’s soda deposits say that humans are using up the substance at a rate that production can’t keep up with.

There is still some speculation in the scientific community as to whether or not “peak soda” has been reached. This term was originally coined in 1956 during another soda shortage, and it refers to the point at which the rate of consumption exceeds the rate of distribution – it is the point when the Earth’s soda deposits begin to dry up permanently.

Despite Coca-Cola and Pepsi Cola’s assurances that we have not reached the point of “peak soda,” pop refineries across the world have been shutting down almost daily. Neither company has released a statement on how greatly the shortage is affecting their respective businesses, but everyone across the world has noticed the price of soda skyrocketing in recent years. In some locations of the country, 16 ounces of pop can cost upwards of $2.50, compared to the mere 5¢ of the early 1950s.

The crisis was magnified last week when a Coca-cola ship crashed and breached, spilling hundreds of thousands of gallons of crude soda into the Gulf of Mexico. Marine biologists are still calculating the damage that this disaster has had on nearby oceanic life, but much of this damage can already be seen. Many fish and crustaceans have been spotted breaking out into zits while a large number of sharks appear to be developing cavities at an alarming rate.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Reasons to Love Christmas

With Christmas around the corner, millions of people are finding themselves in the holiday spirit.  Not everyone drinks from the same eggnog, however, so here’s a few things to enjoy about Christmas for those of you Grinches out there:

 

1. Provides thousands of jobs for unemployed overweight people.

2. Get to listen to your charitable family members talking about the 20 minutes they spent helping out at a soup kitchen that one time.

3. All of the lights and decorations allow you to identify which of your neighbors are tools.

4. Provides a quantifiable means of showing someone how you feel about them.

5. Coca-cola commercials.

6. It teaches children that there are benefits for letting strangers into their home.

7. Perfect for people who enjoy having unconventionally large plants in their home.

8. A Christmas Story marathon on TBS.

9. It’s the only time of year that the real Santa Claus can walk among mortals.

10. Brings good cheer to all (whose credit cards aren’t declined).

11. Provides an opportunity to feel up drunken coworkers at the annual Christmas office party.

12. It’s another fun way to isolate the Jews.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.