SPECIAL REPORT: Rosh Hashanah

You might have noticed that every year at around this time, your Jewish coworkers are absent from work for a day or two. This happens not because they’re attending an annual summit in which all the Jews gather to discuss how they’re going to take over the world, because that’s a different holiday called “Chash Vanasha Chah.” No, the Hebrew holiday going on this week is called “Rosh Hashanah,” and it’s a celebration of sweetness, new beginnings, and wearing a wrinkled suit that hasn’t been washed since your freshman year of college.

Rosh Hashanah, which literally translates to “The Calendar’s Foot,” is the Jewish New Year, or “Jew Year,” as it is commonly known. Rosh Hashanah is always celebrated in the fall, but is always a different date. This is because in Judaism it is a sin to repeat the same thing twice, whether it’s holidays, prayers, or even jokes.

The story behind Rosh Hashanah dates back to the year 400 B.C.E. The Jews at this time were a group of nomadic shepherds and television producers. They found that as they traveled around places like Mesopotamia and New Jersey, the temperature would consistently change over the course of a year. The first day when it became chilly enough to wear a scarf was signified as the first day of the New Year. Many Jews still wear a scarf, or “tallit,” that their ancestors wore to show that they’re unsatisfied with the current temperature. It is also tradition among the Jewish people to inquire about whether or not the temperature of a room can be changed every five minutes or so.

There are many fun and exciting ways to celebrate Rosh Hashanah. Jews gather at their local “synagogue,” which is a place of worship and not a business term that means something about teamwork, where they sing prayers, worship their deity, and get an aerobics workout by periodically standing and sitting at seemingly random times and for unclear reasons throughout the service. The service is lead by a rabbi who spends the rest of the year hibernating in a giant jar of kosher goo. The length of the service varies every year depending on the day of the week, and certain prayers will change in importance, as well. This is because in Judaism it is a sin to repeat the same thing twice, whether it’s holidays, prayers, or even jokes.

Rosh Hashanah is notable as being one of the few Jewish holidays that does not celebrate overcoming some sort of persecution. Instead it is a time for the Jews to take part in hopeful activities such as reflecting on the past year, making plans for the new year, and reading words from a book aloud in unison. Many American Jews have also integrated modern-day New Years celebrations into their Rosh Hashanah traditions by getting drunk and making out with a stranger.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Area Man Unsure if He at Right Funeral

Dan Knapur, a pharmacist from Maryland, has started to question whether or not he is currently at the correct funeral. The funeral he should be at right now is for an ex-boyfriend of his friend Lisa whom he was supposed to meet at the funeral. Lisa, however, was nowhere to be found.

“Where the hell is she?” Dan thought to himself an hour and a half ago. “I have no idea who this guy is, I don’t want to be here alone. It’s rude or something.”

Suspicion initially arose during the eulogy, which was given by the wife of the deceased. “Jesus, this guy was married?” thought Dan. “To her? That woman is in her 50s… when the hell did he and Lisa break up? Wait a second, why does this woman keep saying ‘David’ over and over? I thought his name was Antoine.”

Dan then noticed that most of the men attending the funeral were wearing yamakas, the traditional ceremonial headwear of the Jewish people.

“Huh. Lisa never told me she dated a Jew,” thought Dan. “Unless there are some Christians who wear those things, too. That’s possible, right? I heard that Mormons wear a different kind of underwear… I’m sure there’s some Christians that uses those hats.”

Soon Dan forgot all about Lisa and was moved by proceedings. He became enthralled by the stories of David’s life and all the people he touched. As Dan followed the funeral procession from the synagogue to Mount Chutzpah cemetery, Dan found himself reflecting on his own mortality and how important it is to hold onto the right people and let the wrong ones go.

“I need to tell Lisa I love her,” thought Dan at the burial. “I need to show her that I’m here for her and will always be by her side. Not right now, obviously, but you know… eventually.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Reasons to Love Christmas

With Christmas around the corner, millions of people are finding themselves in the holiday spirit.  Not everyone drinks from the same eggnog, however, so here’s a few things to enjoy about Christmas for those of you Grinches out there:

 

1. Provides thousands of jobs for unemployed overweight people.

2. Get to listen to your charitable family members talking about the 20 minutes they spent helping out at a soup kitchen that one time.

3. All of the lights and decorations allow you to identify which of your neighbors are tools.

4. Provides a quantifiable means of showing someone how you feel about them.

5. Coca-cola commercials.

6. It teaches children that there are benefits for letting strangers into their home.

7. Perfect for people who enjoy having unconventionally large plants in their home.

8. A Christmas Story marathon on TBS.

9. It’s the only time of year that the real Santa Claus can walk among mortals.

10. Brings good cheer to all (whose credit cards aren’t declined).

11. Provides an opportunity to feel up drunken coworkers at the annual Christmas office party.

12. It’s another fun way to isolate the Jews.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.