SPECIAL REPORT: Rosh Hashanah

You might have noticed that every year at around this time, your Jewish coworkers are absent from work for a day or two. This happens not because they’re attending an annual summit in which all the Jews gather to discuss how they’re going to take over the world, because that’s a different holiday called “Chash Vanasha Chah.” No, the Hebrew holiday going on this week is called “Rosh Hashanah,” and it’s a celebration of sweetness, new beginnings, and wearing a wrinkled suit that hasn’t been washed since your freshman year of college.

Rosh Hashanah, which literally translates to “The Calendar’s Foot,” is the Jewish New Year, or “Jew Year,” as it is commonly known. Rosh Hashanah is always celebrated in the fall, but is always a different date. This is because in Judaism it is a sin to repeat the same thing twice, whether it’s holidays, prayers, or even jokes.

The story behind Rosh Hashanah dates back to the year 400 B.C.E. The Jews at this time were a group of nomadic shepherds and television producers. They found that as they traveled around places like Mesopotamia and New Jersey, the temperature would consistently change over the course of a year. The first day when it became chilly enough to wear a scarf was signified as the first day of the New Year. Many Jews still wear a scarf, or “tallit,” that their ancestors wore to show that they’re unsatisfied with the current temperature. It is also tradition among the Jewish people to inquire about whether or not the temperature of a room can be changed every five minutes or so.

There are many fun and exciting ways to celebrate Rosh Hashanah. Jews gather at their local “synagogue,” which is a place of worship and not a business term that means something about teamwork, where they sing prayers, worship their deity, and get an aerobics workout by periodically standing and sitting at seemingly random times and for unclear reasons throughout the service. The service is lead by a rabbi who spends the rest of the year hibernating in a giant jar of kosher goo. The length of the service varies every year depending on the day of the week, and certain prayers will change in importance, as well. This is because in Judaism it is a sin to repeat the same thing twice, whether it’s holidays, prayers, or even jokes.

Rosh Hashanah is notable as being one of the few Jewish holidays that does not celebrate overcoming some sort of persecution. Instead it is a time for the Jews to take part in hopeful activities such as reflecting on the past year, making plans for the new year, and reading words from a book aloud in unison. Many American Jews have also integrated modern-day New Years celebrations into their Rosh Hashanah traditions by getting drunk and making out with a stranger.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Mom Makes it to Midnight During New Year’s Eve, Family Shocked

The Scott family is still astonished by family matriarch Morgan Scott’s ability to stay awake last night in time to see the New Year’s ball drop in New York City. This marks the first time since her children were born that Morgan was able to stay awake until midnight over New Year’s Eve.

“I think all of us are in a state of complete astonishment,” said Morgan’s husband Dennis. “I truly thought we’d never see it happen again.”

Morgan is notorious within the family for going to bed early every night and her husband and children often make fun of her for it. Now that she’s broken that glass ceiling, the family has been struggling to find other flaws to point out.

“What’s worse is she keeps rubbing it in our faces,” said Morgan’s son Jeremy. “Like staying up for New Year’s is a normal thing that everyone does and she’s acting like she just cured cancer.”

In fact, Morgan is as pleased with herself as her family is shocked. Morgan’s ability to stay up for New Year’s was the primary conversation topic over breakfast because Morgan constantly brought it up.

“She’s lost it,” said Morgan’s teenage daughter Debbie. “She won’t stop posting about it on Facebook and it’s weirding me out.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 14 Worst People of 2014

Many interesting things happened in 2014.  Among them, strangely enough, was a record-high number of terrible people and crappy behavior.  Here is a list of the 14 worst people across the continental United States in the last year:

 

1. Michael Dunlow, a media consultant in New York, who deliberately held the “close doors” button on an elevator as a pregnant coworker approached.

2. Luke Browning, a teenager in Mildred, Vermont, who promised his parents he’d check in while out with his friends but never did.

3. Melissa Perkins who brings all three of her toddlers out to dinner five nights out of the week.

4. Gary L. Araz who is evidently incapable of understanding how to put a toilet seat down.

5. Dana Greene of Garrettsburg, Virginia, who spends more time composing and publishing political messages on Facebook than she does applying to jobs.

6. Sarah Charters of Benford, Illinois, who was spotted doing 40 miles an hour in a 65 zone.

7. Mason Mitchell of the same town, spotted doing 90 in the same zone.

8. K. F. McCormick who refuses to use his first name like a normal person.

9. Marianne Park, a Los Angeles cleaning lady who only moves objects that she’s been explicitly instructed not to touch.

10. Dante Anderson of Redenboro, New Jersey, for bringing up his tattoos an average of 16.8 times per conversation.

11. Mark Baker, a 14-year-old YouTube commenter.

12. Kevin Chen who doesn’t pick up after his dog during walks.

13. Brenda Freeman, a McDonald’s cashier in Curtsdale, Florida, who talks to her coworkers while taking people’s orders.

14. John Mulaney.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.