Health

Revolutionary Weight Loss Pill Transfers Unwanted Fat To Someone Else

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Lipodexx, a new, highly advanced weight loss drug, became available in pharmacies all across the country this week with its revolutionary procedure of transferring body fat to other people.

Mercudyne, the pharmaceutical company that manufactures Lipodexx, has not released any information on how the drug works. Some speculate it’s through a breakthrough quantum technology, while others believe magic is at work.

Results vary for each person depending on their height, weight, and sexual orientation. For every pound that someone on the drug loses, a different person somewhere else in the world gains. The person who gains the weight has no connection to the person who loses it.

“It’s completely random,” said Mercudyne spokesperson Gary Charzard. “Someone will take Lipodexx and lose thirty pounds in a week, and then someone in a completely different part of the world will wake up an extra thirty pounds heavier.”

Many Americans applaud the new drug for being exactly what they’re looking for – it doesn’t solve their problem, but it does push it onto someone else.

“I’ve tried everything to lose weight,” says Millicent Torruso, a lifelong overweight person. “I’ve tried exercising, I’ve tried surgery, I’ve tried Satanism, I’ve tried a weight loss cult that required me to swallow magnets and rub crystals all over my body, but nothing worked. I don’t know what happens to the fat, and I don’t care.”

Mercudyne has developed a number of other experimental drugs, including a birth control pill that also makes your sexual partner infertile, a painkiller that erases traumatic memories, and a cough syrup that makes your voice hilariously high pitched. Lipodexx, however, is the first drug of theirs to hit the market.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Fast Food

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Fast food has become an integral part of American culture. It is estimated that each year, the average American eats nearly 63,000 pounds of fast food, spends $14,000 at fast food restaurants, and spends a total of 56 minutes masturbating in a Taco Bell drive-thru. With fast food being such an important piece of the American lifestyle, is it possible that what your roommate’s super bitchy girlfriend says about the health risks is true? Could fast food be a negative influence on the United States, and if so, is there a solution to the problem, and can we get that solution in a large?

It’s no secret that fast food restaurants are the preferred dining destination of the acne-stricken, the morbidly obese, and the nearly diabetic, but is there any evidence to suggest a linkage between fast food and unhealthy bodies? Circus Killer News spoke with Dr. Audris Flayheardt, a freelance nutritionist hired by numerous fast food companies to conduct health investigations. He has been hired by nearly every fast food chain with the exception of Wendy’s.

“I’ve devoted my life to studying the nutritional value of fast food, and I can tell you, it’s perfectly safe, perfectly healthy,” said Dr. Flayheardt surrounded by recently purchased burgers, chicken, and fries that he assured us he intended to eat as soon as we left. “You walk into any fast food restaurant, you order anything on the menu, and what you get will be good for you. Your body needs it, your bones need it, your children need it. It’s all good. The only case where this isn’t true is Wendy’s.”

So if the food isn’t harmful, then what’s the issue? Alleya Hernandez, founder and leader of a national anti-fast food organization called “No Try’s With That,” explained her side to us.

“I didn’t know the risks when I started giving my family fast food,” said Alleya, “Now my one son has no teeth because the acidity from the soda dissolved them. My other son is an addict and has to work at the Burger King to pay off his debt to them. And my daughter was mugged in the parking lot of a totally different Burger King. That’s why my organization boycotts fast food.”

Alleya then spent the next forty minutes trying to explain the name of her organization; something about how it’s supposed to make fun of a common fast food phrase, but instead it’s saying, “you can’t try to force your food on us,” or something. It sounds like she’s not a very creative person and just went with the first idea that came to her.

On the other side of the spectrum are fast food connoisseurs, which despite how they sound are not a type of dinosaur. These are people who travel to different towns, different states, even different countries, all to experience the joy of fast food everywhere they can. They rate different locations, swap fan theories, and perform ritualistic sacrifices in fast food restaurant bathrooms. We wanted an interview with Jim Cormers, famed for visiting more McDonald’s locations than any other person in history, but sadly Jim was lost to heart disease three months ago. He was cremated and had his ashes scattered over a McDonald’s flat top grill in New Jersey.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Woman Knows This Likely Last Year She Can Get Flu Shot

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With healthcare uncertainty around the horizon millions of Americans could soon find themselves uninsured. Vaccinations, booster shots and prescription medications could soon become luxury items.

Some Americans, like Aditya Bhurin of Virginia Falls, Kentucky, are trying to find a bit of light in the coming darkness. Aditya says she’s “making the best” of what might be the last flu shot of her life.

“There’s no reason I can’t make this fun,” said Aditya. “I mean, I know it’s hard to make fun out of anything with needles, unless you’re either in 1970’s New York or a modern day Ivy League school, but I want to make this memorable.”

Aditya entered her local Rite Aid with a GoPro strapped to her head to document the experience for future generations. Other Rite Aid customers noted Aditya’s confidence as she marched to the pharmacy in the back.

“You never see that anymore,” said one customer. “I do all my shopping here ever since being banned from Eckerd for a sex thing, but even there no one’s ever excited to get poked with something.”

Aditya took commemorative selfies with every pharmacist, all of whom were simply relieved to get a brief respite from dealing with downers only here to fill anti-depression prescriptions.

“I’ve injected a lot of things into a lot of people,” said pharmacist David Koh, “but never have I had a patient so thrilled to get deceased microbes administered into their left arm.”

Aditya reportedly convinced a pharmacist to inject her with multiple flu shots for multiple different strains in the hope that this would fend off ailments in the medicine-absent future that America is heading towards.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Germ-Filled Mouth Most Diverse Place in Nation

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A heartwarming story of pathological disaster struck a small town in North Carolina today when it was discovered that Colin Fargus, a local auto-mechanic, has a mouth containing more foreign organisms than are present in one location anywhere else in the country. Colin’s mouth was officially declared the “most diverse area in the nation” by the doctor in charge of treating Colin.

“Seeing all these different forms of disease, parasites and fungi working together under one common goal, which is to kill Colin, really brings tears to my eyes,” says Dr. George Jiminez, “not just because of the smell, but because it’s like these organisms are working together in a way that humans never could. We could really learn a lot from them.”

Colin visited his local dentist’s office complaining of toothaches, headaches, fever, numbness in his extremities, lack of appetite, blindness, deafness, hallucinations, heart palpitations, abnormal hair growth, spontaneous combustion, homophobia and other debilitating symptoms. Colin’s dentist immediately notified the CDC after initial examination of Colin’s mouth, and he’s been in quarantine ever since.

While treatments for Colin’s various diseases are hastily being applied, many see the diversity of Colin’s mouth as something that should be celebrated in a nation fatally divided by matters of race, sex, gender, religion, and whether or not Mad Max: Fury Road deserved to be nominated for best picture.

“Colin’s mouth is a reflection of the melting pot that is this country,” said Dr. Jiminez. “If he dies in the next few hours, which is certainly possible, then he will surely die a hero.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Disgusting Teen Refuses to Floss

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Family and friends of Tennessee teenager Armand Watkins were distraught upon discovering that the 19-year-old Kmart box boy has never flossed in his life.

“I just don’t see the point,” Armand reportedly told his family last week. “Unless I’m eating popcorn or beef or something, I really don’t feel anything getting stuck between my teeth. And even then it falls out eventually, so what’s the point?”

Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam quarantined Armand after hearing about the teenager’s sickening habits, worried that they might spread to other parts of the state.

“We want to stop this problem before it becomes a major epidemic,” Governor Haslam told reporters during a press conference early this morning. “Not only will Armand’s breath become a major public health issue, but if we stand by and do nothing then Armand’s ideologies might spread faster than the foul odor within his mouth.”

The CDC has reportedly been trying to teach Armand how to floss and why it’s important, but so far he has been uncooperative.

Meanwhile, Armand’s family and friends can’t get over the fact that he has been neglecting his hygienic responsibilities for so long without them realizing.

“He seemed like everyone else,” said one of Armand’s high school friends. “He came to school like everyone else, joined clubs like everyone else, ate the things that everyone else ate. It shocks me to think that something like this could be happening right under my friend’s nose.”

“It is important that people know,” said Armand’s mother, “that our family does not condone this sort of behavior. We are as shocked as anyone that our son could be capable of something so heinous and we hope his actions don’t reflect poorly on his fellow white Tennesseans.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Quantum Fast Food Chain Allows Customers to Eat Their Food Before Ordering

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The fast food franchise “Quantum Burger” has taken the nation by storm with its new ordering system that allows customers to eat their meals before they can even order them. This revolution in fast food production has put the up-and-coming burger joint at the head of the competition, earning itself the slogan, “The Fastest Burgers You’ll Ever Have (And Possibly Not Have Simultaneously).”

“It’s an amazing idea and I can’t believe it’s taken this long,” says Quantum Burger diner Alex Seleto. “What I love is that I can determine whether or not I enjoy my food before I decide what I want to get. So like if I decide after eating my burger that I didn’t like the pickles, I can tell them that when I order and the burger they make for me, which I just ate, won’t have had any pickles on it.”

Despite Quantum Burger’s rapid growth in the market, there are a number of kinks in the system that still need to be worked out. Ingredients will appear seemingly at random, for example, or the burgers might heat up spontaneously, forcing customers to wait for them to cool for an undefined amount of time.

“I mean, the system isn’t perfect,” said Quantum Burger spokesperson Gayle Masterson. “We’ll be the first to admit that. But given the billions we invested in our Meat Collision Accelerator, I think the positive outcomes outweigh the negative outcomes. Although those outcomes do seem to change every time we observe them.”

 

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Bodybuilder Apparently Without Concept of Own Hideousness

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Bodybuilder Hansel Jacobi has no idea how revolting his body is, several friends and family members say. Jacobi’s loved ones have tried to tell him how repulsed they are at his cartoonishly inflated muscles, but Jacobi has refused to listen.

“I was having drinks with him last week,” says Jacobi’s friend Peter who doesn’t share his friend’s interest in bodybuilding and fitness training. “Or at least, we were trying to. We were over at our friend’s house and the big guy couldn’t even hold a beer bottle; his hand muscles were too big for him to make a fist. We had to spoon-feed him alcohol all night.”

“It’s just frightening,” said Jacobi’s sister, “to think about how those muscles must be a burden to him. The veins on his pecks are as thick as my thumb, and I know that because he never wears a shirt. They just don’t fit him.”

Anytime someone brings up with Jacobi how his image is cause for concern or embarrassment, Jacobi dismisses them.

“What’s the matter? Afraid I’m gonna pulverize ya?” Jacobi once said to his mother when she asked if he needed help scratching his face. “Just remember I could beat the pulp out of anyone at any point if I wanted to.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

KFC First to Hire Onsite Paramedics

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Since the release of the “KFC Double Down” in 2010, KFC has been under careful scrutiny by the FDA over the increase of strokes, heart attacks and brain damage that have occurred inside KFC restaurants. As a solution, the restaurant chain became the first in history to staff one paramedic in every establishment to revive customers when their bodies succumb to the food so that they may continue eating.

The plan was implemented last November and has been working well so far, prompting many KFC establishments to boast an “Over 9,000 Revived” slogan near their entrances. Additionally, the FDA is satisfied with the plan and has begun backing off of KFC.

Other fast food chains have taken note of the strategy and have begun hiring their own onsite paramedics in an effort to court the health-conscientious consumer. Wendy’s, for example, is now giving free physicals with the purchase of 900 calories or more.

There are some fast food purists, however, who think the new medically integrated fast food chains are getting out of hand. Chipotle, for example, has been receiving negative attention for the installation of electronic toilets that look for diseases in customers’ stools. Also facing harsh media criticism is McDonald’s new “child greasing” stations that force large children to strip down and be lathered in oil so they don’t get stuck in plastic tubes and slides in the child’s play area.

Chick-fil-a’s mandatory blood tests have also been criticized once it was discovered that the company had been keeping track of HIV positive consumers and banning them from all Chick-fil-a restaurants for “sodomy and indecency” instead of simply checking for diabetes like the company said it would.

 

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

60 Second Ad for New Drug Just List of Side Effects

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Grosche-Lumburgh Pharmaceuticals released a 60 second television advertisement for a new anti-depressant called “Vaxidol,” however the ad was comprised entirely of side effects for the drug.

“Legally we’re required to inform potential customers of any new drug’s side effects,” said Grosche-Lumburgh spokesperson Patricia Denali. “Once we mentioned all the side effects attributed with taking Vaxidol, however, there just wasn’t enough time to mention anything else about the drug.”

Despite some of Vaxidol’s numerous side effects, which include “heart failure,” “liver disease,” and “Ebola somehow,” many people with depression have been electing to take the new drug because nine out of ten doctors were paid fifty bucks to recommend it. Vaxidol’s increasing popularity can also be attributed to its recent price drop. Prescription medication can cost the average American over one hundred dollars monthly, however Vaxidol is completely free when you give Grosche-Lumburgh a working credit card and your social security number.

Users of Vaxidol haven’t reported any issues with the drug because many of them have lost the ability to communicate due to either irreparable nervous system damage, brain failure, or spontaneous combustion of throat, chest and other vital areas.

Some Americans without depression have also begun taking the drug shortly after Vaxidol became “The Official Anti-Depressant of the NFL.” Some health analysts warn that this can be dangerous because a side effect of taking Vaxidol without having the depression it’s designed to treat will more often than not lead to depression.

The FDA approved the use of Vaxidol last November, shortly before FDA Deputy Commissioner Josef Harlow purchased a yacht large enough for an on-deck swimming pool that is large enough to contain its own small yacht.

 

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CDC Worried About Spread of Holiday Cheer

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The CDC announced during a press conference today that holiday cheer is spreading at an alarming rate. CDC workers are concerned that they may not be able to contain the spread of seasonal merriment until the end of the year.

“This is a serious situation that has the CDC’s full attention,” said CDC spokeswoman Farah Landy. “We are putting as much effort as we can into stopping this thing from spreading further.”

The first case of holiday cheer to appear in the US was recorded on October 12th when a Rite Aid outside of Milwaukee began selling Christmas decorations. The number of cases across the country steadily increased before exploding shortly after Thanksgiving.

In an effort to reduce the spread of the outbreak, the CDC has set up multiple de-jubilation zones in the 37 most heavily infected areas of the country. Patients admitted into these zones must complete a series of boring tasks before being officially cleared of all merriment. These tasks include filling out fake tax forms, reading all of the terms and conditions for an iTunes update, and actually going to church.

Additionally, homes and properties covered in Christmas decorations have been quarantined and are undergoing a cleansing process. Early reports, however, show that the holiday cheer is spreading at a rate that the CDC can’t keep up with.

The CDC is also urging people not to travel until the outbreak is under control. “It is imperative that you remain in your home and only leave when absolutely necessary,” Landy continued. “Anyone seen outside of their home promoting peace on Earth and goodwill towards all will be considered a threat to the public.”

 

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.