Family and friends of Tennessee teenager Armand Watkins were distraught upon discovering that the 19-year-old Kmart box boy has never flossed in his life.
“I just don’t see the point,” Armand reportedly told his family last week. “Unless I’m eating popcorn or beef or something, I really don’t feel anything getting stuck between my teeth. And even then it falls out eventually, so what’s the point?”
Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam quarantined Armand after hearing about the teenager’s sickening habits, worried that they might spread to other parts of the state.
“We want to stop this problem before it becomes a major epidemic,” Governor Haslam told reporters during a press conference early this morning. “Not only will Armand’s breath become a major public health issue, but if we stand by and do nothing then Armand’s ideologies might spread faster than the foul odor within his mouth.”
The CDC has reportedly been trying to teach Armand how to floss and why it’s important, but so far he has been uncooperative.
Meanwhile, Armand’s family and friends can’t get over the fact that he has been neglecting his hygienic responsibilities for so long without them realizing.
“He seemed like everyone else,” said one of Armand’s high school friends. “He came to school like everyone else, joined clubs like everyone else, ate the things that everyone else ate. It shocks me to think that something like this could be happening right under my friend’s nose.”
“It is important that people know,” said Armand’s mother, “that our family does not condone this sort of behavior. We are as shocked as anyone that our son could be capable of something so heinous and we hope his actions don’t reflect poorly on his fellow white Tennesseans.”
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.