Loose-Cannon Detective Partnered With By-The-Book Cop

Detective Jane Deckland of the Los Angeles Police Department reportedly became upset when her captain ordered her to take detective Barton Malloy, a so-called “milquetoast desk jockey,” as her partner. Deckland insists she works better alone.

“I single-handedly chased down a suspect on horseback while holding my sister’s baby in one hand and defusing a bomb in the other,” said Deckland. “I once had to prove my loyalty to a gang I infiltrated by snorting twelve different brands of cocaine at the same time. I’ve driven cars into speeding trains and steered runaway trains into speeding cars. I don’t need a goddamn partner.”

Deckland’s commanding officer, Captain Tyshawn Wilkes, says that Los Angeles is hemorrhaging money because of all the active lawsuits against the city whenever Deckland does something over the top.

“You’re out of control, Deckland,” Wilkes reportedly shouted at his best detective. “We can’t have you running around the city loose and wild anymore. You need to be put on a leash, like they did with my teenage son after he bit his teacher.”

Deckland became so livid that she yelled, threw objects around the room, and repeatedly fired her weapon at the sun.

Detective Malloy was also not happy with the new assignment. Malloy says he’s comfortable working desk duty and isn’t thrilled about returning to the field for the first time in thirteen years.

“My greatest dream in life is dying at my desk,” says Malloy, “because a giant racist tooth beat me in an arm-wrestling contest and then shot me. I haven’t had that dream since I stopped taking Percocet, but it was a pretty great one.”

Captain Wilkes says he’s confident that Malloy’s proclivity for caution and Birkenstocks is exactly what will keep Deckland in line, and that Deckland’s determination and .45 Magnum will teach Malloy to be a little more assertive. Their cases will likely be assigned weekly and will wrap up nicely in a thirty-minute block, with commercials.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Comcast Offers New Sports Package That Automatically Censors NFL Players Kneeling During National Anthem

Comcast recently announced a new sports package that will be available this weekend that automatically censors any NFL player who chooses to kneel during the national anthem. The package will cost $69.99 per month and uses the same state of the art censorship technology employed by the FOX Network to make President Trump appear like a sane person.

“Our Smart Censor software will mask any protesters in the NFL through on-the-spot cropping, tasteful blurring, and additional advertisements,” said a Comcast spokesperson. “Our viewers deserve to anesthetize themselves from the problems of the world by watching sports, not to be reminded of them.”

The announcement has been met with positive reviews among NFL fans, who believe this is an appropriate step to making themselves feel better.

“I get so angry every time I see a player kneeling during the anthem,” says lifelong NFL fan Dale Brumner. “As a veteran, I feel more disrespected than any minority in this country ever has in the history of the entire country, ever.”

Some have been criticizing Comcast for trying to capitalize on an issue that is dividing America, similar to when Dairy Queen offered a free Blizzard to anyone getting an abortion, or when Disney offered 50% off on all amusement park tickets if customers brought a gun. Dale, however, says it’s a brilliant idea.

“I would pay any amount of money to show that I love and support this country and condemn those who don’t. Kneeling during the anthem is a crime worse than taxation, and I’ll have nothing to do with it.”

The package will be available later this week and hundreds of preorders are already in. Several networks have announced that they will also attempt to circumvent the kneeling protests in different ways. ABC will play beer commercials over the anthem, CBS will show images of random Americans standing all over the country, and NBC has cancelled football altogether and will instead air a still image of the American flag every Sunday for five hours while playing the national anthem on a loop.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Feigns Having Children To Purchase Sugar Cereal Free Of Guilt

Howard Normstrom, a 37-year-old engineer from Plainsfield, Arkansas, was arrested on Tuesday after it was discovered that his children were completely made up.

Howard says he started the ruse when shopping for sugar cereal roughly six years ago. Howard recounts getting looks of disapproval from cashiers and other shoppers whenever he bought himself Lucky Charms, Frosted Flakes, or Sugar Splosion Balls. One day he casually remarked to a cashier that they were for his children, and to his surprise, the disdainful looks stopped.

“I was sick and tired of people looking at me like I was some kind of child,” says Howard. “I honestly don’t know why I said it. It just slipped out… like the time I called my college girlfriend by her mother’s name during sex.”

Howard found that pretending to have kids had other perks that fit his lifestyle. He could start buying action figures again without people judging him, watch Saturday morning cartoons with the volume all the way up without completely upsetting his neighbors, and order off of the kid’s menu to eat foods that made him feel safe.

In order to keep up appearances, Howard made sure to litter his apartment with toys and decorate it with various stains of unknown origin. He would keep pictures of toddler-aged Olson twins in his wallet as proof that he had children, who no one would recognize since society as a whole has completely forgotten that the Olson twins used to be adorable.

Howard was caught sneaking into a showing of the PG-rated film “Boss Baby” with two stray dogs that he dressed up to look like human children. His fellow moviegoers became suspicious when the dogs gave submissive barks at Alec Baldwin’s dominant, wolf-like voice. Howard will most likely be released since he did not commit any actual crimes other than being a total weirdo.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

String Of Disappearances Possibly Related To New Dating App

Recent evidence has linked a number of bizarre disappearances across the country with a new dating app called “IrthMate.” All of the disappearances have been young adult males, and it has been confirmed that all of them recently downloaded IrthMate and were using it shortly before their disappearance.

One of the men who disappeared was Chad Grevski, a 26-year-old temp from Saint Falls, Virginia. Grevski’s phone was left behind in his apartment, and the last few messages he sent and received through the app indicate that he was leaving to meet up with a woman he met on the app with the username, “NormalEarthGirl387.”

A man matching Grevski’s description was seen wandering into a dark alleyway not far from his apartment, which investigators claim was the agreed upon meet-up spot. Reports say that a bright cone of green light beamed down into the alleyway from unusually low clouds. One woman claims she saw Grevski floating up this beam of light before it dissipated.

“I was walking my dog when I saw the light coming down,” says eyewitness Jasmine Flynn. “I saw what looked like a man going up into the light, and then he was gone. I remember thinking how weird that was since people don’t usually float upwards into beams of light; I just assumed he was drunk.”

Brad Verbewski, another avid hook-up app user, claims that shortly after using IrthMate he was abducted by aliens, and that everyone who uses the app shares the same fate.

“I was messaging this chick on there, I think her name was ‘HumanWomanReal5583,’ and she said we should meet up,” says Brad. “I put on a sleeveless shirt and went to where she said she would be, and this light came down and I was taken up onto a ship. And I was like, ‘whoa, dude, this is not happening.’”

Brad claims that the app was set up by extraterrestrials, and that they’re abducting bros all around the country to solve a population crisis on their home planet.

“The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by these super hot alien space babes who all wanted to get with me. They said if we didn’t start bumpin’ immediately they were gonna vaporize the whole planet. I had no choice but to bang all these hot alien ladies, like hundreds of them, thousands. I must have been goin’ at it like a week.”

Brad was in fact reported missing for nearly a week, and he says he can provide evidence for his unusually graphic close encounter. He claims to have gotten an alien STD.

“There are these tiny tentacle looking things that started growing around my junk, and every day at exactly 10:26 in the morning, they do this thing that I can best describe as acid-sneezing. They itch and burn something awful… I don’t know what it’s called, but I had pretty much everything before gettin’ this.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Sad, Deplorable Wretch Not Willing To Do Anything About It

Sean Forbles, of New Ridge, Virginia, reportedly plans on not altering his self-deprecating lifestyle despite the depression it causes him. Sean says his unwillingness to change is the result of some misguided sense of integrity that in no way applies to anything that makes his life such crap.

“I know I appear repulsive, and that my habits maybe drive some people away,” said Sean. “But the things that make me so abhorrent are part of who I am, and that means something.”

Sean is a visibly disgusting human being. He showers about once a week and makes no attempt to hide it, saying that showering too often is bad for your hair and skin and also that’s what they do in Europe. Sean does not use soap when he washes his hands, fearing he might contribute to the evolution of a drug-resistant super bacteria. He has never cleaned his ears, never clipped his toenails, and is under the impression that brushing and flossing his teeth is an unnecessary waste of time due to how “messed up” his teeth already are.

But hygiene isn’t the only area of Sean’s life in need of improvement. At 37 years old, Sean has never had a fulltime job, a serious relationship, or a home of his own. Sean believes that he won’t be able to attract a serious relationship until he has a serious a job, that he cannot find a real job until he procures a permanent place of residence, and that he cannot find a permanent home until he dates someone that will let him move in. Sean believes himself to be in a self-sustaining cycle of execrable woe that cannot be broken, and any attempt at making a better life is futile.

Sean would turn to friends and family for guidance, but claims he has none. In fact, Sean has driven these people away with his self-loathing remarks of hopelessness that seem to come up in every conversation. Sean immediately shuts down any individual who tries to talk some sense into him, typically after directly asking that individual for assistance. Sean claims that making people feel sorry for him is his best bet at getting people to like him, which is somehow not the most ridiculous notion to cross through his mind on a daily basis.

This upcoming spring, Sean will attend his high school reunion to find that most of his former classmates, and in fact most people in the developed world, are just as needlessly contemptible as he is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Town Protests Sacrilegious Friendship Between Dog, Cat

Violent protests broke out yesterday in the small town of Wenesauken, Indiana, when locals discovered that a family in their community recently brought home a cat to keep as a pet. The family, known as the Burken’s, brought the cat home despite already owning a dog.

“It’s an abomination,” said Wenesauken dog owner Sandra Glennech. “You start letting dogs and cats live under the same roof and next it’ll be gophers and groundhogs, or birds and dead people.”

Dog owners rallied together to protest the abnormal living situation on the Burken’s front lawn holding handmade signs that read, “Canine Supremacy,” “Dog Lover And Proud,” and “We Want Kibble, Not Your Interspecies Drivel.”

Shortly after the dog owner protesters appeared, a group of cat owners showed up to also protest the unusual animal friendship, but also to counter-protest the dog owners at the same time. A screaming match started between these two large groups of unemployed people.

Soon afterward, owners of various exotic pets arrived to counter-protest both sides and preach a message of interspecies unity. This third mass of people was followed shortly by the appearance of a fourth group made up of people who do not own any pets and believe pet ownership to be a form of slavery.

After several hours, the four-way protest erupted into a massive brawl on and around the Burken’s property. Dog owners whipped leashes around, cat owners threw sand in people’s eyes, exotic pet owners jammed bird seed down people’s throats, and non-pet-owners tossed paint around and wildly stabbed everyone they could.

Authorities were finally able to clear up the violence. So far, eight people have been confirmed dead and another fifty-nine are reportedly injured. The Burken’s were not home.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Truck Driving Creep Uses Ice Cream To Attract Children

Several families in the town of Redacker, Pennsylvania have expressed concern over sightings of an identified man in a strange-looking truck driving through neighborhoods and attempting to lure children to him. The man blasts creepy nursery rhymes over a speaker system to draw the children in.

“It’s very concerning,” said area mother Miri Virashti. “I always thought this was a safe neighborhood because of all the gun owners in the area, but now I’m not so sure.”

The unknown driver, who was described by eye witnesses as exceedingly unemployable, has adorned the sides of his truck with images of ice cream to attract children. A local auto-mechanic claims that the vehicle’s odd shape indicates that it is refrigerated, which further terrifies local parents.

“What does this strange man want with our kids?” asked Miri. “I mean, you let your mind wander just thinking about it, and it’s sick. He might be trying to make our kids catch a cold or something.”

So far no children have been abducted, but there were a few close calls. Eight year old Becca Wallace says she got close enough to talk to the driver.

“He was nice, he said he would give me ice cream if I gave him three dollars,” says Becca Wallace. “I said ‘no’ because even I know that’s a rip-off.”

There have been reports across the country of similar trucks stalking suburban neighborhoods since the 1950s, but most believe they’re just an urban legend, like Bigfoot or the female orgasm. Tales of the refrigerated truck driver have brought conspiracy theorists to Redacker.

“Some of us say the frozen truck driver is a ghost,” says conspiracy theorist Chuck Balding, who in fact isn’t. “Some say the driver is a serial killer, as was every driver before him, and they’ve been passing down the keys to that truck ever generation. I personally think there’s a network of them, all across the country, coordinating attacks against lactose intolerant kids.”

The mayor of Redacker has issued an official warning stating that anyone playing children’s songs or eating ice cream in public could be subject to an immediate arrest.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.