Fox News correspondent Hunter Toddson found himself in hot water on Monday when he accidentally stepped onto a geyser that had opened up in his pro-fracking town. Yesterday, however, Toddson found himself in metaphorical hot water when he had to produce a news story for his local Fox station about a transgender Muslim police dog who rescued a small child from a fire.
“At Fox we put stories into two categories,” he said. “The first is the Light Group, which is stories that promote traditional values, American heroes, our suave and intelligent President, anything we want to shed a light on to show how great this nation is. The second group is the Dark Group, which is stories about immigrants committing crimes, liberal college professors spilling food, people who have choked to death on socialism, or other terrors in this country lurking in the shadows that we have to report on.”
Toddson says that this particular news story fits into both the Light Group and the Dark Group and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.
“Any story about a dog, the third most American animal behind eagles and freshwater salmon, belongs in the Light Group. Combine that with the fact that this dog is an authority figure that dashed into a burning building and you got yourself a solid positive slant story. But on the other hand, transgenderism and anything having to do with non-Christian faiths is clearly a Dark Group story.”
As more details about the incident unfold, Toddson found his decision became increasingly difficult.
“It turns out the dog’s parents were both immigrants, which ordinarily would put this story in the Dark Group. But the dog also served in Afghanistan, which is a Light Group trait. The dog also turned out to be a Trump supporter, which is Light, but I just found out that the dog is female. I just don’t know what to do.”
Toddson says he will likely toss the entire story and instead write a piece about the firefighter who stood up for his religious rights by heroically refusing to put out that same fire because it was in an atheist’s apartment.
Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.