The 5 Most Venomous Creatures On The Planet

Humans have been at war with nature since the beginning of time. Fortunately we’re winning right now, but nature has produced some pretty deadly creatures to fight us off. One of the most effective ways that nature is trying to eradicate us is through venoms and poisons. Here are 5 venomous creatures to watch out for.

 

Brown-Tailed Horn Spider – This deadly eight-legged menace, native to the Australian continent, pounces on its prey and injects a fast-acting venom that causes immense gastric distress. Normally the spider is harmless, but if you insult its mother, or laugh at its brown tail, or do anything else to offend it, then it will come at you hard and it won’t quit until its venom is in your bloodstream so that it can watch you die in flatulent agony.

Pentagonback Rattlesnake – A cousin to the diamondback rattlesnake, this deadly creature was created by a mad scientist and then released into major cities all across the world. Its venom won’t make you sick, but it forces your brain to release chemicals that make you feel lonely and insecure.

Baby Rabbits – All newborn rabbits are the most venomous creatures on Earth. Their cuteness is a way of luring in their prey, but once you’re close enough to cuddle, they attack and inject you with a fatal venom that kills in seconds. Fortunately all the venom is secreted out of their long, fluffy ears by the time they reach two weeks old, but rabbits never lose that vicious killer instinct.

Atheists – These sickening creatures are most commonly found in suburban basements, but there’s always danger whenever they creep up to the surface world and invade a local population. Atheists have a venom sack in their neck that squirts out a secular poison, which seeps into your brain and alters its alpha orbital gyrus waves, causing you to lose all sense of logic and reason. Because of how dangerous they are, most states don’t even allow atheists as pets anymore.

Squimbly Squmbulpus – The squimbly squmbulpus is a rare figglesnake from the slumbumbering forest. It oozes it’s bright green floopgoo onto any unsuspecting wanglenaughts and blubbuses that wander too close to the gankos tree that it calls home. Only fleepcream from the malorplorp crevasse can counteract the squimbly squmbulpus floopgoo. This is really only a concern for fictional creatures.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Fox News Correspondent Not Sure What Slant To Put On Story About Transgender Muslim Police Dog

Fox News correspondent Hunter Toddson found himself in hot water on Monday when he accidentally stepped onto a geyser that had opened up in his pro-fracking town. Yesterday, however, Toddson found himself in metaphorical hot water when he had to produce a news story for his local Fox station about a transgender Muslim police dog who rescued a small child from a fire.

“At Fox we put stories into two categories,” he said. “The first is the Light Group, which is stories that promote traditional values, American heroes, our suave and intelligent President, anything we want to shed a light on to show how great this nation is. The second group is the Dark Group, which is stories about immigrants committing crimes, liberal college professors spilling food, people who have choked to death on socialism, or other terrors in this country lurking in the shadows that we have to report on.”

Toddson says that this particular news story fits into both the Light Group and the Dark Group and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“Any story about a dog, the third most American animal behind eagles and freshwater salmon, belongs in the Light Group. Combine that with the fact that this dog is an authority figure that dashed into a burning building and you got yourself a solid positive slant story. But on the other hand, transgenderism and anything having to do with non-Christian faiths is clearly a Dark Group story.”

As more details about the incident unfold, Toddson found his decision became increasingly difficult.

“It turns out the dog’s parents were both immigrants, which ordinarily would put this story in the Dark Group. But the dog also served in Afghanistan, which is a Light Group trait. The dog also turned out to be a Trump supporter, which is Light, but I just found out that the dog is female. I just don’t know what to do.”

Toddson says he will likely toss the entire story and instead write a piece about the firefighter who stood up for his religious rights by heroically refusing to put out that same fire because it was in an atheist’s apartment.

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.