Tom Brady

Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

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The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Patriots Fans Spend Weekend Denying Things and Providing Unclear Answers in Support of Tom Brady

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Recently it was discovered that the footballs used by the Patriots to win the AFC championship were not inflated to regulation standards. Blame fell to quarterback Tom Brady, who during a press conference denied having an active part in the scandal. To honor their beloved sports hero, fans of the New England Patriots spent the weekend denying everything that they could.

Ryan O’Leary, of Boston, was one such man. Brian was pulled over for driving through a red light at a busy intersection. When asked why he did this, Ryan denied both seeing the light and knowing what it was for.

Another of these fans was Meagan McMurphy, also a Boston native, who denied knowing what handicap parking spaces are for and that parking meters needed quarters to work.

Other Patriots fans are copying their athletic idol by providing detailed descriptions of the state of their balls. Patrick Kirkpatrick, the head of a small distribution company in Boston, called a staff meeting early this morning to talk to his employees about proper ball maintenance.

“Make sure your balls are fully functional before handling them,” Kirkpatrick said. “If your balls aren’t up to standards then put them away and use a friend’s.”

Many children who look up to Tom Brady as a role model have begun taking after the quarterback as well. On average, a record low 11% of grade school students in Boston did not turn in any homework today, claiming to have not known that anything was due. This is a dramatic drop compared to the average of 26% of Boston grade school students who turn in homework regularly.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.