Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Revolutionary Catholic Church Offering Drive-Thru Confessions

The St. Augustine Catholic Church in Oklahoma became the first religious establishment in the world to offer drive-thru confessions with its revolutionary “absolve-and-go” window that opened yesterday.

“I think it’s a terrific idea,” said local resident Dawn Chaffee who hadn’t been to a confessional in over 10 years. “I stopped going because I got so busy, what with the McGriddle and all. This way I can just drive up and ask for forgiveness without even leaving my car.”

The church’s head priest, Monsignor Faraday, claims he got the idea while running errands that included stopping at the bank, drug store, baldness treatment clinic, and finally a fast food restaurant for lunch. All of these places were drive-thru accessible; Faraday never had to leave his car.

“You don’t have to get out of your car for food, money, drugs or hair-plugs,” said Faraday. “Why should you have to leave your car for Jesus?”

The St. Augustine church has already seen a tremendous increase in church attendance within just one day of opening the absolve-and-go window. Monsignor Faraday has reportedly had a difficult time keeping up with the influx of sinners.

“In order to cope we’re thinking of opening a second window,” said Faraday. “We’ll try to have it installed sometime next month as a ‘10 sins or fewer’ express window.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.