Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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News from the Future #05

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 12th, 2019 – Zombies March in Livingston in Protest of New Mississippi Law

Four hours ago, a horde of zombies began marching through the streets of Livingston, Mississippi, in protest of the state’s new “Armed Survivors” law that allows civilians to shoot any living dead they come across. Since their initial rise eight months ago, the nation’s zombies have been constantly threatened, hunted and denied the rights of living citizens. The protest appears to be a bad move on the part of the zombies as dozens of civilians and armed service people alike have met at the site of the protest to begin picking off the horde of the restless one by one. Still, many are saying that this might become the longest protest in history because in the last four hours the zombies have only made it five feet.

 

2. January 27th, 2036 – Global Rise in Sea Levels Must Mean Second Biblical Flood, America’s Leaders Say

Sea levels around the world have risen an average of 40 feet in the last 20 years, causing many US public officials to declare that a second biblical flood is upon us. Several representatives of Congress agree that recent trends such as the acceptance of homosexuality, “allowing more Hispanics in politics,” and jean shorts, have angered God enough to send another flood to Earth and cleanse the world of such sins. Congress recently approved the construction of an ark massive enough to hold half of the nation’s congressman, along with their families, mistresses and top three favorite lobbyists, to be finished in exactly five years.

 

3. January 28th, 2041 – US Government Sees Most Productive Day in US History

It was confirmed at 7:30pm EST tonight that the US government held its most productive day in the history of the nation, with congress passing more laws and writing more bills today than have been passed or written in the last five years. With the vast majority of the country’s senior elected officials refusing to run in the previous election and choosing instead to wait aboard a massive $56 billion wooden ship, America’s new, youngest-ever batch of congressmen and women managed to cut the deficit in half, create 6 million more jobs and start a series of environmental programs which scientists estimate will normalize the planet’s climate and recede the world’s sea levels by 2044, most of whom while wearing stylish new jean shorts from today’s hottest gay Hispanic designers.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mississippi to Legalize Brown-Eyed-to-Blue-Eyed Marriages

Mississippi will no longer be the only state in the nation to have laws forbidding brown-eyed people from marrying blue-eyed people, as it was announced early this morning that a Mississippi state judge declared the ban unconstitutional. This announcement shocked many Mississippians who pride themselves on the purity of their family’s iris pigmentation.

“It ain’t unconstitutional if it’s a fact,” said Mississippian Jack Pikiwallace. “Brown-eyed folk got their own standard of living just as blue-eyed folk has theirs. Once you start mixing them it can only lead to trouble, that’s been a proven fact.”

The Honorable Bailee Frankfurt, who was the judge responsible for the decision, has been receiving an unrelenting slew of death threats since this morning. Bailee became the youngest and most pregnant judge in the state’s history when she won the position last July in a church raffle, as is Mississippi tradition.

“I just think it’s about time we catch up with rest of America,” said Judge Bailee. “The thing is I don’t see color. Mostly that’s because of when that needle got stuck in my eye because the doctor holding it was jonesing real bad, but I mean that like the colors we’re concerned about are on your eye as well and you can’t see your own eye, so what’s the problem?”

Rumor has it that Mississippi, also known as “The Confederate State,” might also be repealing laws that forbid washing all dark colored clothing together, the selling of more than one color of M&M in the same package, and mixed nuts.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.