Body Cams Becoming Increasingly Popular Among Nation’s Drunks

Body cameras were in the news years ago when they were believed to be the solution to the rampant police brutality seen across the United States. Now, they’re back in the news after a recent study revealed that body cams have become popular among America’s drunks, who don the devices before a night out in order to counteract the effects of blackouts.

“I go out with my buddies every night,” says construction worker Sean Rabe, “and almost every morning my face stings and I can’t remember why. Thanks to my body cam, I now know it’s because I get slapped by nearly 200 women every night after I drunkenly hit on them.”

So far there have been no recorded incidents where a body cam has prevented illegal, dangerous, or offensive behavior among drunken Americans. They have only been used to fill in memory gaps and allow drunkards to witness the happiest moments of their lives.

“I always wondered why I wake up in hospitals after every time I drink too much,” says Paola Routh, a stay-at-home mom and longtime user of recreational surveillance equipment. “I thought I was getting into some serious medical trouble each night, but it turns out drunk me just really likes flirting with the terminally ill.”

Most of these body cams are produced by Alcozone, a company that manufacturers other products for the habitual imbiber in your home. These products include a portable stomach pump called SmartGut, a drunk speech translator, and white noise machine that plays the sounds of a high school football game so that you can relive your glory days as you sit in a darkened room alone.

“I think it’s a great idea,” says police officer Vaughn McMichaels. “Between my job as a cop, my night life as a drunk, and my wife who’s into that sort of thing in our lovemaking, I’m cam’d up pretty much every minute of my life. And I’m loving it.”

You can buy your own drunk body cam anywhere electronics are sold.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.