Body Cams Becoming Increasingly Popular Among Nation’s Drunks

Body cameras were in the news years ago when they were believed to be the solution to the rampant police brutality seen across the United States. Now, they’re back in the news after a recent study revealed that body cams have become popular among America’s drunks, who don the devices before a night out in order to counteract the effects of blackouts.

“I go out with my buddies every night,” says construction worker Sean Rabe, “and almost every morning my face stings and I can’t remember why. Thanks to my body cam, I now know it’s because I get slapped by nearly 200 women every night after I drunkenly hit on them.”

So far there have been no recorded incidents where a body cam has prevented illegal, dangerous, or offensive behavior among drunken Americans. They have only been used to fill in memory gaps and allow drunkards to witness the happiest moments of their lives.

“I always wondered why I wake up in hospitals after every time I drink too much,” says Paola Routh, a stay-at-home mom and longtime user of recreational surveillance equipment. “I thought I was getting into some serious medical trouble each night, but it turns out drunk me just really likes flirting with the terminally ill.”

Most of these body cams are produced by Alcozone, a company that manufacturers other products for the habitual imbiber in your home. These products include a portable stomach pump called SmartGut, a drunk speech translator, and white noise machine that plays the sounds of a high school football game so that you can relive your glory days as you sit in a darkened room alone.

“I think it’s a great idea,” says police officer Vaughn McMichaels. “Between my job as a cop, my night life as a drunk, and my wife who’s into that sort of thing in our lovemaking, I’m cam’d up pretty much every minute of my life. And I’m loving it.”

You can buy your own drunk body cam anywhere electronics are sold.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Increase of Mandatory Cameras on Police Uniforms Forcing Officers to Resort to Verbal Abuse

With the recent, dramatic and unexplained increase in police brutality, many police forces are requiring their officers to wear cameras on their vests at all times so that cases of physical abuses of power can be recorded. Most of these cameras do not come equipped with microphones, however, resulting in a growing number of law enforcement officers to instead verbally abuse suspects with the same amount of brutality as physical force would have.

“I guess it started with him calling me names,” says Brian Watkins, a 30-year-old mechanic charged with verbally assaulting a police officer. “I was not speaking; I did not do anything to provoke him. And then out of the blue he starts calling me names. ‘Nerd,’ ‘freakazoid,’ ‘poop breath,’ things that really get to you.”

Watkins is not the only one. Other men have come forward with similar stories.

“I was just walking down the street, minding my own business,” says Dave Peterson. “Then I start hearing the racial slang. ‘Cracker,’ ‘whitey,’ things like that. I turned around and it was a police officer, but what shocked me most is that he was white. And I’m white. He was being racist against his own goddamn race. At one point he told me that it was a slow week and he had to abuse someone in someway and I was just there.”

Many city officials have begun drafting plans to have microphones attached to the vests of law enforcement officers as well, but most speculate that the truly racist and motivated members of any police force will take the time to learn American Sign Language if it means being able to abuse or talk down to someone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.