High school is an awkward and uncomfortable time for everyone, including your teachers. If done right, however, high school can be the easiest four years of your life. Follow these tips to make sure your back-to-school experience is a breeze!
1. Not using a backpack is the current fashion trend in high schools across the country. Instead, students are tying their books to four-foot long tortoises that they pull through the halls with dog leashes.
2. Beat up someone on your first day so the other inmates respect you.
3. Every morning, run your tongue under scalding-hot water so you can’t taste how shitty the school lunches are.
4. Public schools across the country are facing huge budget cuts so don’t be surprised if your teacher has been replaced with an iPad.
5. Joining a club is a great way to admit that you don’t have any friends.
6. Bring your own pillow for the federally required naptime that now replaces all music and art classes.
7. It’s never too early to start preparing for college, so go to as many parties as you can and keep binge drinking in order to build up your tolerance.
8. Bullying is never okay, unless you go to an ultra-rich prep school where it’s a class.
9. 68% of all bus drivers are registered sex offenders, so always be on your guard.
10. 74% of all bus drivers are also drug dealers, so watch out for that as well.
11. To appease both transgendered students who wish to use the bathroom of their preferred gender and anti-transgender parents who are uncomfortable with their child using the same bathroom as a member of the LGBT community, bring a bucket with you so you can do your business anywhere.
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.