11 Back to School Tips (High School)

High school is an awkward and uncomfortable time for everyone, including your teachers. If done right, however, high school can be the easiest four years of your life. Follow these tips to make sure your back-to-school experience is a breeze!

 

1. Not using a backpack is the current fashion trend in high schools across the country. Instead, students are tying their books to four-foot long tortoises that they pull through the halls with dog leashes.

2. Beat up someone on your first day so the other inmates respect you.

3. Every morning, run your tongue under scalding-hot water so you can’t taste how shitty the school lunches are.

4. Public schools across the country are facing huge budget cuts so don’t be surprised if your teacher has been replaced with an iPad.

5. Joining a club is a great way to admit that you don’t have any friends.

6. Bring your own pillow for the federally required naptime that now replaces all music and art classes.

7. It’s never too early to start preparing for college, so go to as many parties as you can and keep binge drinking in order to build up your tolerance.

8. Bullying is never okay, unless you go to an ultra-rich prep school where it’s a class.

9. 68% of all bus drivers are registered sex offenders, so always be on your guard.

10. 74% of all bus drivers are also drug dealers, so watch out for that as well.

11. To appease both transgendered students who wish to use the bathroom of their preferred gender and anti-transgender parents who are uncomfortable with their child using the same bathroom as a member of the LGBT community, bring a bucket with you so you can do your business anywhere.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

11 Back to School Tips (College)

Whether you’re just starting out or it’s your senior year, moving into college can be stressful. Take these tips into account to make your collegiate transition simple and smooth!

 

1. Know which of your organs you can live without. This will make paying for textbooks swift and easy.

2. Learn each of your professor’s vices so you don’t waste any time when you need to blackmail them for a higher grade.

3. If a pencil is yellow, it’s ripe and ready to use. If it has turned brown then it has likely gone bad and you shouldn’t buy it.

4. Befriend your roommate’s dealer immediately.

5. Make sure all of the posters you put up in your dorm are of normal interests befitting of an ordinary young person. This ruse will ensure your roommates believe you to be an average, unassuming earth-human.

6. Check to see if your college or university has a deal with local fax machine vendors before purchasing one.

7. Carry an automatic weapon with you at all times in the event of an active shooter situation, you magnificent hero.

8. Delta house’s Boogie Nights party might not be until February, but it’s always the hottest party of the year. Start preparing!

9. Make sure to join your school’s Gay-Straight Student Alliance Club or you’ll be bullied all semester.

10. You should have a fake ID by the time you get to college so that you can easily purchase fake alcohol.

11. When you break into your professor’s condo to steal the answers to every test this semester, make sure you also take any electronics or jewelry he or she might have so it looks like a regular burglary.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.