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CKN Q&A: The Human Brain

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Since the dawn of man, very little has been known about the human brain, aside from the obvious fact that it is filled with bees and mystery. Today, through the miracles of modern science, people have been able to remove all those bees and all those mysteries and lay them out for the world to see.

Circus Killer News sat down with Dr. Eugene Merrill, a leading brainologist at the University of Southern Fresno, and asked him about that mysterious pink orb that we all fantasize about.

 

CKN: What are the primary functions of the brain?
Merrill: The brain’s primary function is being a pillow for your skull, but it can also step in as attorney general from time to time.

CKN: How long will a brain keep usually?
Merrill: About three days, but it can last up to a week if you store it in the fridge.

CKN: Where is the brain’s pleasure center?
Merrill: I know it’s near the top, but honestly, there’s so much going on in that whole region, I try to avoid it altogether.

CKN: Whose brain is this?
Merrill: I think it’s Kevin’s, but I don’t know.

CKN: Are all brains as sexy as they appear in the movies?
Merrill: I try not to notice those sorts of things.

CKN: Can I get my brain replaced if there’s something wrong with it?
Merrill: Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can get them on Amazon.

CKN: Tee hee hee, what is, like, hee hee, the naughtiest thing that a brain has ever done, tee hee?
Merrill: There is a brain in Wales that is capable of thinking about butts whenever it wants.

CKN: Can I survive without my brain?
Merrill: Many Americans do.

CKN: Can people really be left-brained or right-brained?
Merrill: This is a common misconception. Brains are not distinguished by predominant usage of the left hemisphere or the right hemisphere. Rather, they are distinguished as being either an innie or an outie.

CKN: Is “The Man with Two Brains” worth a watch?
Merrill: I don’t know. I’ve never heard of it.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

11 Back to School Tips (College)

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Whether you’re just starting out or it’s your senior year, moving into college can be stressful. Take these tips into account to make your collegiate transition simple and smooth!

 

1. Know which of your organs you can live without. This will make paying for textbooks swift and easy.

2. Learn each of your professor’s vices so you don’t waste any time when you need to blackmail them for a higher grade.

3. If a pencil is yellow, it’s ripe and ready to use. If it has turned brown then it has likely gone bad and you shouldn’t buy it.

4. Befriend your roommate’s dealer immediately.

5. Make sure all of the posters you put up in your dorm are of normal interests befitting of an ordinary young person. This ruse will ensure your roommates believe you to be an average, unassuming earth-human.

6. Check to see if your college or university has a deal with local fax machine vendors before purchasing one.

7. Carry an automatic weapon with you at all times in the event of an active shooter situation, you magnificent hero.

8. Delta house’s Boogie Nights party might not be until February, but it’s always the hottest party of the year. Start preparing!

9. Make sure to join your school’s Gay-Straight Student Alliance Club or you’ll be bullied all semester.

10. You should have a fake ID by the time you get to college so that you can easily purchase fake alcohol.

11. When you break into your professor’s condo to steal the answers to every test this semester, make sure you also take any electronics or jewelry he or she might have so it looks like a regular burglary.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of July 23rd, 2016

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Your weekly horoscope for July 23rd, 2016.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You can choose the people in your life but you can’t choose the life in your people. Befriend a few corpses.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Remember, you can’t learn anything from positive feedback. Telling your nephew that his piano recital was an all-around shitty experience doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you an educator.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Lately it feels like you’re completely on your own, but you’re not. You have crabs to keep you company and they’re with you wherever you go.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Anger is a path to darkness, so the next time you beat your husband use one of those flashlights the police use.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): When I say you should take care of yourself, you know I’m not lion! Get it? Lion? Because that’s your sign? Hahaha… no but seriously, you’re going to have heart attack later this week.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): People who live in the past are often filled with sadness and regret, but they also don’t have a black president so fuck them, right?

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): A loved one will require your full attention later this week, but so will Pokémon Go and I think we both know which matters more to you.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): No, don’t name your kid Bengymyda.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Don’t let negative energies control your life. Broadcast your own positive energies and hope the FERC doesn’t catch wind.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Snape kills Dumbledore.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Everything in life has a purpose. Wait… no, sorry, I read the stars wrong. Everything in life has a porpoise. If you don’t have a porpoise then you’ll never be popular.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Early this week you will be unable to move your legs due to deadly toxin you accidentally ingested at a Thai food place you decided to try the night before, however when you’re on the floor next to your bed, struggling to get up and terrified at the idea of never walking again, you will find a dime that you wouldn’t have seen had you not been paralyzed. So that’s something.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.