Whether you’re just starting out or it’s your senior year, moving into college can be stressful. Take these tips into account to make your collegiate transition simple and smooth!
1. Know which of your organs you can live without. This will make paying for textbooks swift and easy.
2. Learn each of your professor’s vices so you don’t waste any time when you need to blackmail them for a higher grade.
3. If a pencil is yellow, it’s ripe and ready to use. If it has turned brown then it has likely gone bad and you shouldn’t buy it.
4. Befriend your roommate’s dealer immediately.
5. Make sure all of the posters you put up in your dorm are of normal interests befitting of an ordinary young person. This ruse will ensure your roommates believe you to be an average, unassuming earth-human.
6. Check to see if your college or university has a deal with local fax machine vendors before purchasing one.
7. Carry an automatic weapon with you at all times in the event of an active shooter situation, you magnificent hero.
8. Delta house’s Boogie Nights party might not be until February, but it’s always the hottest party of the year. Start preparing!
9. Make sure to join your school’s Gay-Straight Student Alliance Club or you’ll be bullied all semester.
10. You should have a fake ID by the time you get to college so that you can easily purchase fake alcohol.
11. When you break into your professor’s condo to steal the answers to every test this semester, make sure you also take any electronics or jewelry he or she might have so it looks like a regular burglary.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.