SPECIAL REPORT: Movie Theaters

Every weekend, Americans flock to the movies to catch a glimpse of their favorite superhero saving the day, two attractive people falling in love, or an anthropomorphic animal learning to believe in itself. Despite the home video industry, the internet, and that one-eyed veteran who sells bootleg DVDs outside the building where I work, movie theaters in America are currently booming. This is due to a number of revolutionary features that can’t be found anywhere except the movies.

One of the big changes that came to theaters across the country a few years ago was the installation of recliner seats. Thousands of movie theaters across the US now allow moviegoers to kick their feet up, lean back, and take a nap in the middle of the movie. Many of these seats also have a vibrating massage feature that you can activate by inserting an amount of quarters equal to $13. Of course the seats come with cup holders, but the movie theater seat cup holders of today are temperature controlled, keeping your drink nice and cool while you laugh at whatever Paul Rudd is doing on the screen. Dozens of Americans in the last five years have gotten frostbite by falling asleep during a movie and accidentally leaving their hand inside one of these refrigerated cup holders, but none have complained.

Concessions have also been revolutionized by the movie theater industry. Most movie theaters now offer literal popcorn tubs that customers can sit in during the movie. Some theaters also offer a “concession trough” that the moviegoer fills with an assortment of open snacks and desserts, and then hooks onto the three seats in front of them so that they have something to shove their face into while the movie is playing. Additionally, the smallest soda sizes are now 44 ounces, and the largest are roughly the size of a three-year-old human. Movie theater companies are also starting to remove their restrictions on opioids, cannabis products, and other types of recreational sedatives to make sure that the average moviegoer’s escape from reality is as fulfilling as possible.

Theaters are also making a push to sell tickets for 3D and IMAX movies, which the home theater industry cannot compete with. Some theaters are experimenting with 4D technology, which allows viewers to watch every scene of the movie at the same time. In order to bring a sense of realism to the movie-going experience, a number of theaters will shine powerful lights into people’s eyes during a film’s bright desert scenes, fill the theater with mosquitoes and other bugs during scenes that take place in a swamp, or flood the theater with the smell of urine for any movie that takes place in Newark, New Jersey.

Whether or not these changes and advances in movie theater technology make going to the movies worthwhile is still a matter of some debate. With each new change comes an increase in ticket prices, long lines, and one more thing for bloggers to complain about. The movie theater industry is still going strong, however, which if nothing else proves that humans will tolerate just about anything.


Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.


Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.


1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.


Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

11 Back to School Tips (College)

Whether you’re just starting out or it’s your senior year, moving into college can be stressful. Take these tips into account to make your collegiate transition simple and smooth!


1. Know which of your organs you can live without. This will make paying for textbooks swift and easy.

2. Learn each of your professor’s vices so you don’t waste any time when you need to blackmail them for a higher grade.

3. If a pencil is yellow, it’s ripe and ready to use. If it has turned brown then it has likely gone bad and you shouldn’t buy it.

4. Befriend your roommate’s dealer immediately.

5. Make sure all of the posters you put up in your dorm are of normal interests befitting of an ordinary young person. This ruse will ensure your roommates believe you to be an average, unassuming earth-human.

6. Check to see if your college or university has a deal with local fax machine vendors before purchasing one.

7. Carry an automatic weapon with you at all times in the event of an active shooter situation, you magnificent hero.

8. Delta house’s Boogie Nights party might not be until February, but it’s always the hottest party of the year. Start preparing!

9. Make sure to join your school’s Gay-Straight Student Alliance Club or you’ll be bullied all semester.

10. You should have a fake ID by the time you get to college so that you can easily purchase fake alcohol.

11. When you break into your professor’s condo to steal the answers to every test this semester, make sure you also take any electronics or jewelry he or she might have so it looks like a regular burglary.


By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Subway Performer Wishes Child at Other Table Would Shut The Fuck Up

Debra Cheron, a street performer who frequently plays percussion instruments in the New York City subway, really wishes the screaming child a few tables over would just shut the fuck up.

“Everyone’s just trying to mind their own business and we have to sit here listening to this loud, ridiculous noise? It’s unacceptable,” says Debra. “You should know better than to bring your cacophonous twerp to a public space.”

Debra continued to bring up other instances that she views as “noise violations.”

“Why do I have to listen to your phone conversation just because we’re sharing a bench at the park? Don’t I deserve some peace and quiet?”

Debra spends most of her weekends in the subway with an assortment of pots, pans, plastic boxes and other household objects that she can use as drums, banging away into a microphone and speaker so she can earn money to pay for marijuana.

“Don’t do construction if there’s people walking around,” continued Debra. “You should have the decency to power down your jackhammer or drill or whatever when you see someone walking towards you.”


By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Killer Advice #09 – How Do I Talk to my Son About Drugs and Alcohol?

Happy Thursday! My name is Brittany von Beuren and Im glad to be back to answer your tough life questions for another week!

This weeks questin comes from my fan Maureen Denningham. She says…


Question: Dear Brittany, I’m growing more and more afraid that my eldest son might be experimenting with drugs and alcohol. He’s become a lot more closed off and I can smell what I think is marijuana in his bedroom. I’m worried about what this will do to our family because I’m afraid he’s going to start butting heads with his father who’s a police officer and very much against this sort of behavior. How do I approach my son about the dangers of substance abuse and try to maintain equilibrium in the household?


Answer: Thank you for writing in Maureen but I gotta say I side with your son on this one. I think your beeing a total bitch and you need to layoff.

First of all so what if hes smoking the reefer?? Marawana is like the least harmfull drung on there. Hes not using needles so he cant get autism, hes not takin pills so he cant get sexually assalted, and hes not using hallucinagens so he cant accidently marry a dog. But that bean said, any of those ar fine in moderation. Its ok to make those mistakes, its part of growin up. Heel be fine aslong as he learns from it and finds a good animal divorse lawyer.

And its fine for father and son to be buttheads aslong as it doesnt interfear with being YOU. You sound like the tipe of person who never leaves the house, neve goes outside or never gives a blowjob to get out of a speeding ticket. Expand your verizons…maybe even start smoking wit your son so you can bond together. The only time my mom was actualy bareable was when she was high so maybe try that too. Maybe let him drink at breakfest with you instead of scolding him.


Anyway thanks for writing in Maureen! To you other ladies out there, make sure you ask me your questions in the comments of this or on my Twitter. Who knows… maybe Ill pick you! 🙂 ❤


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Millennial’s Staunch Objection to Marijuana Refreshingly Retrogressive

20-year-old Kevin Dubaccaus of Seattle, Washington, surprised his friends yesterday evening when he said he doesn’t condone the usage of marijuana.

“I just thought he was kidding at first,” said Kevin’s friend Caitlyn Baker, “but then he started reciting facts and statistics and all this health stuff and we were like… ‘whoa, he’s for real right now.’”

Kevin’s friends were fascinated by his opinion since Kevin is a forward-thinking person on all other social issues. In fact, Kevin’s friends welcomed his opposing viewpoint since everyone in Seattle generally has the same opinion about marijuana.

“It’s weird, but it’s cool,” said Kevin’s friend Anthony Tennisen. “Everyone here thinks about it the same way now. Which means that right now, Kevin is the progressive thinker. Like it totally blew my mind.”

These are just some of Kevin’s friends who are open to his opinion, however many of them simply don’t understand it. Kevin supports his opinion based on facts that some of his fellow college students are unable to comprehend.

“He was giving me all of these numbers and stuff,” said Jonathon Redmond who lives on Kevin’s floor. “I was like, ‘okay, dude, chill out, because all of these numbers have like these weird sorta colors on them and its all just like swirling around in my brain and making my soul hurt, ya know?’ And then he said that he didn’t know, and I was like ‘well who’s the dumb one now then?’”

Kevin tried coming out to his parents with his radically retrogressive views on the drug, however his father didn’t know how to pause the episode of “Scooby-Doo” he was watching and his mother was too fascinated with how her hands moved to take in what her son was saying.


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Dry Humping Under Mistletoe Becomes Newest Teen Fad

Teens across America have been taking the Christmas mistletoe tradition and making it their own with a new “mistletwerk” craze that has recently exploded on social media. Teenagers have been planning and attending house parties decorated with the plant so they can meet under it and grind each other’s pelvises together.

The fad started after a picture of the act went viral on Twitter last Friday night. The image is too graphic to show on legitimate news sites like this one, but it depicts a “twerking” session between a teenage male and female as the male holds mistletoe above the female’s head. The text accompanying the tweet reads “hos goin crazy for dat #mistletwerk.” Since then, #mistletwerk has been trending on Twitter alongside a series of similar images.

In response to the sudden uptick of mistletoe demand in the teen market, marijuana advocates who grow and sell cannabis illegally have begun cultivating the holiday plant to make some extra money for the holidays.

This illegally grown mistletoe is being traded and distributed nationwide throughout the teen community without being regulated, which authorities say is dangerous and irresponsible since much of it is being cut with lesser festive plants such as laurels and evergreen.


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.