Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Advertisements

Local Teen Unshaken Upon Discovering Extent of Father’s Racism

Jeremy Unger, a 16-year-old Michigan teen, reported today that he is finally coming to terms with his father’s racism, but also that he’s “totally fine with it.”

Jeremy says he’s noticed the signs for a while, he just didn’t recognize them. Often he would take note of his father’s offhanded, passive-aggressive insults towards waiters, electricians and other service people, but Jeremy realized recently that his father would never make these remarks towards white people.

When his suspicions arose, Jeremy approached several people who were close to his father, Thomas Unger. Several of Thomas’s work friends, Jeremy found, had come to the same conclusion, and in fact the stories that Jeremy gathered on his father’s workplace mannerisms would suggest that Thomas Unger is also sexist and anti-Semitic. Jeremy approached his father’s brother Dylan Unger, who when asked if he suspected that Thomas might be a racist, said, “no shit.”

In the last week, Jeremy has decided that he’s completely comfortable with this new information about his father. “Well yeah, it’s kinda weird,” says Jeremy, “but I mean lots of people do worse things. And it’s not like my dad would try to hurt anyone or something.” When asked if he himself was a racist, Jeremy replied with a resounding, “I don’t know, maybe.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.