Father Brings Wrong Glasses to Daughter’s Recital

Area man Duncan Tolapin reportedly attended his daughter’s clarinet recital with his reading glasses instead of his concert glasses. Duncan was forced to compensate for his blurred vision using unconventional means.

At first Duncan had his wife describe what was taking place on stage.

“She’s just sitting there playing,” Duncan’s wife reportedly told her husband. “Her fingers are moving every time she plays a new note, that’s really all there is to see. Just listen.”

Duncan insisted that he had to see his daughter’s performance and not just listen, but his wife refused to help because all the talking they were doing was agitating the other parents sitting near them.

In the middle of the performance, Duncan began walking up and down the rows of seats to find a point at which his eyes would be able to see his daughter clearly. This angered other parents and Duncan was talked into returned to his seat. On the way back, Duncan began crawling up behind parents on his hands and knees to pickpocket glasses from other parents in hopes that someone would have his lens size. This also went fruitlessly.

Finally Duncan found a solution that bothered no one. Once he returned to his seat, Duncan found that he had been sitting five rows behind a parent who was holding her iPhone above her head to record the entire concert. Duncan was able to take out his own iPhone and zoom in on the other parent’s iPhone, giving a clear, close up image of his daughter.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Teen Unshaken Upon Discovering Extent of Father’s Racism

Jeremy Unger, a 16-year-old Michigan teen, reported today that he is finally coming to terms with his father’s racism, but also that he’s “totally fine with it.”

Jeremy says he’s noticed the signs for a while, he just didn’t recognize them. Often he would take note of his father’s offhanded, passive-aggressive insults towards waiters, electricians and other service people, but Jeremy realized recently that his father would never make these remarks towards white people.

When his suspicions arose, Jeremy approached several people who were close to his father, Thomas Unger. Several of Thomas’s work friends, Jeremy found, had come to the same conclusion, and in fact the stories that Jeremy gathered on his father’s workplace mannerisms would suggest that Thomas Unger is also sexist and anti-Semitic. Jeremy approached his father’s brother Dylan Unger, who when asked if he suspected that Thomas might be a racist, said, “no shit.”

In the last week, Jeremy has decided that he’s completely comfortable with this new information about his father. “Well yeah, it’s kinda weird,” says Jeremy, “but I mean lots of people do worse things. And it’s not like my dad would try to hurt anyone or something.” When asked if he himself was a racist, Jeremy replied with a resounding, “I don’t know, maybe.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.