Dinner at Friendly’s Clearly a Big Deal for Family at Other Table

Couple Marcy Allen and Cindy Schumacher became filled with sympathy yesterday when they stopped for dinner at a Friendly’s on their way back from an out-of-state Easter get-together, and realized that the family sitting nearest to them had dressed up for their dinner.

“At first I thought they had maybe been with family all day for Easter like Mark and I had,” said Cindy, “and that’s why they were dressed up. But then the mother told one of the younger children to not play with her food because if she spilled any it would ‘ruin her restaurant clothes.’ That means they dressed out of their Easter wear and put on formal dining clothes just so that they could go to Friendly’s.”

“It’s literally right off the highway,” said Marcy. “There’s no back way into [the restaurant]. That means they all piled into a car and got onto a 4-lane highway just so they could get here. Is there just nothing else where they live or something?”

Marcy and Cindy really started feeling bad for the other family when the restaurant’s only waitress came out to sing a birthday song.

“It wasn’t for any of the kids,” continued Cindy, “it was for the father. He turned 41-years-old yesterday and decided to celebrate at Friendly’s. I mean it just terrifies me that people live that way.”

Marcy and Cindy felt so uncomfortable that they ended up skipping desert, which is really the only reason why anyone goes to Friendly’s.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Grown Man Struggles to Put On Coat Inside Car

Salesman Arthur Donahue was the focal point of an emergency situation yesterday in Coldwater, Nebraska when he became trapped inside his car after entangling himself within his raincoat.

Arthur was parked in a Chick-fil-a parking lot where he had driven to get lunch. Arthur decided to put on his raincoat before exiting the vehicle to avoid getting wet.

“That’s really where he made his first mistake,” said first responder Officer Dale Gamble. “Well I mean really his first mistake was going to Chick-fil-a for lunch. Fast food’s bad for you. But the decision to exist the vehicle is ultimately what got him into this mess.”

Scattered witnesses reported seeing Arthur wobbling back and forth in his car with his arms contorted behind, around and over his body, but nobody thought Arthur was in any serious trouble. It was hours before someone recognized that the oaf needed assistance.

“I saw him there when I went for lunch,” said Peggy Mulroney, the woman who eventually called the authorities. “Then I returned to the restaurant for dinner and I remembered him from a few hours ago. He was screaming for help… I guess everyone thought he was toddler like all of the other people who scream from being in a car in a Chick-fil-a parking lot for over 30 minutes.”

Emergency services were called and Arthur was rescued when fireman managed to remove the driver’s side door. Arthur spent the night in the hospital but was released early this morning with no signs of permanent injury. Seth Rogan will probably star in a movie about him.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Guy at Airport Might Be Dennis Quaid

Businessman Philip Durst swears he saw actor Dennis Quaid at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport while returning from a business trip yesterday morning. According to Durst, Quaid was waiting in the same terminal for the same flight before receiving a phone call and leaving.

“I was just sitting there and I swear he looked exactly like Dennis Quaid,” said Durst. “So similar that I don’t see how it couldn’t have been him.”

Durst tried to confirm this with the people sitting around him, but the few people he spoke with had never heard of the actor. Durst wanted to ask more people but had already used the 100 words that the TSA allows passengers to bring past security.

“In hindsight I guess I should’ve just approached the guy,” continued Durst. “I’m sure those Hollywood types get that a lot, though. Probably would’ve annoyed him.”

When Durst told his work friends today, however, they all seemed uninterested, reports say.

“I just think it’s weird,” Durst allegedly told his coworkers, “because I just watched the movie Vantage Point like a week ago. And there he was.”

The story was met with a shrug or dismissive, “oh, cool,” from everyone he told it to. This in contrast to when he posted about it on Facebook, where he received an unprecedented 14 likes for the story.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Tips for Flying

Flying is the safest and fastest way to travel,  however it’s also the most stressful.  Getting to your flight and having to deal with the oddities of fellow passengers can be a vexing experience that nobody looks forward to.  If you plan on flying in the future,  refer to these tips for the most relaxing,  stress-free flying experience possible.

 

1. Many believe it is ideal to arrive at the airport 2-3 hours before your flight. This is unnecessary, however, since your flight will probably be delayed by at least 2-3 hours.

2. Airlines no longer serve food so make sure you purchase something in the terminal to eat on the plane. The smell of greasy fast food and $8.00 coffee might agitate your fellow flyers, but that’s their fault for having nostrils.

3. “Stewardess” is no longer a politically correct term and comes across as sexist. The acceptable terms are “air hostess,” “peanut lady,” or “flying beverage wench.”

4. Masturbation does not get you into the “Mile High Club,” it gets you arrested.

5. Turning off your phone is always safer, but leaving it on and texting during take off makes the plane go faster, so you know, whatever.

6. Most flights will let you pay a small fee to watch a film on your headrest monitor, so look forward to that if you’re in one of the three seats on the plane with a working headrest monitor.

7. Make sure to talk to the people sitting next to you to make their flight as bad as yours.

8. Applaud when the plane lands so that everyone knows you’ve never flown before.

9. If you’re a nervous flyer, try periodically screaming in terror as loud as you possibly can in order to calm yourself down.

10. Smoking is not allowed on any aircraft. Cigarettes are fine, though.

11. When you pass through security you will be required to remove your shoes, belt, shirt, hat, pants, socks and anything else you might be wearing, so it’s best to simply arrive at the airport completely nude.

12. Children will annoy everyone so it’s best to check them when you collect your boarding passes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man Stopped at Red Light Inches Forward, Feels Accomplished

Duane Gellman of Harristown, Massachusetts, reported feeling an overwhelming sense of achievement after creeping forward a few inches while stopped at a red light on his way home from work Friday evening.

The decision to inch forward was made about twelve seconds after halting at the light, and the overall process lasted only about two seconds. Gellman says he immediately felt exhilarated once he finished the exercise, claiming that it was the most productive thing he had done all day.

Gellman reported that he’s noticed other drivers practicing this activity but never thought much of it. He says he’s always dismissed it as silly and pointless, but has changed his mind about it since last weekend. Gellman reported feeling as though he has been living his entire life blindfolded, and only the act of slow, brief and minimal coasting can blow that blindfold off.

Gellman has started inching forward at every chance he gets. While parallel parking over the weekend, Gellman was spotted inching his car forward until nearly hitting the parked car in front of him, then throwing it in reverse just so he could do it again.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Bad Driver Claims He’s Been Faking This Whole Time

Tom Clemens, an accountant from Chesterfeild, North Carolina, gave a statement today saying that he truthfully is a good driver, he’s just been pretending to be a poor driver to help make actual poor drivers feel a little better.

Tom initially came out to Chelsea Redmond, a coworker, when the two were chatting at a party being held by another coworker and mutual friend. “It’s a 30 minute drive from my house to the office,” said Tom, “but I can usually do it in under 20. I’m a pretty good driver.” When Chelsea asked Tom what he meant, Tom continued, “Well like when I was in high school, me and my buddies would race all the time and I’d usually win. About eight out of ten times I’d say, maybe nine.”

“That’s so weird,” Chelsea responded. “The word around the office is that you’re a terrible driver.”

Tom then laughed and attempted to correct Chelsea. “No, no that’s… I don’t know who would say that. That isn’t true.”

“So you’re not a bad driver? I feel like I’ve talked to people who’ve seen you drive and-”

“I mean I pretend sometimes,” Tom interrupted. “Like to make other drivers feel better about themselves, you know? Like I don’t want bad drivers to feel like they’re the only bad drivers out there.”

“Oh, okay,” said Chelsea as she looked down at her feet and took another sip of her drink.

A few hours later, Tom was confronted by Raphael Olson, another coworker to whom Chelsea is close. “Hey Tom! Chelsea says you think you’re some hot shit out on the highway,” Raphael reportedly said.

Tom chuckled, saying, “Oh, well, I’m certainly qualified to handle a motor vehicle, that’s for sure.”

“You wanna prove it?” asked Raphael.

“Nah that’s, it’s fine,” Tom responded. “I mean I don’t even have my car with me anyway.”

“What was that car I saw you drive here in, then?”

“That car?” said Tom, “Oh that car… that is a rental. Yeah that’s not my car, I can’t drive it home. Because it… because I’m like, too drunk, you know?”

Since Tom’s announcement, many people across the nation who are infamous in their respective friend groups for being poor drivers have come forward with similar claims. Some say they’ve been pretending so as to keep other drivers on their toes, while others say they just wanted to fit in with everyone else on the road.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Travel Tips for the Holiday

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is the busiest travel day of the year.  Before you head across the country to spend time with the relatives you never see, take a look at these travel tips to help you get to your destination quickly and safely.

 

Leave about an hour before you think you have to.  This way you’ll only be three hours late.

Surgically enlarge your bladder before departing.

Rest stops will constantly be packed so make sure you bring enough food for the trip, or enough munitions to loot fellow commuters mid transit.

Plan on having your Thanksgiving via Skype if traffic gets too bad.

If you’re flying, purchase three or four backup tickets on other flights for when something goes wrong with the first one.

Make sure to bring fully charged electronic entertainment with you so that if you’re travelling with family you can completely ignore each other easily.

Before leaving, passive-aggressively bring up how weird it is that your family never hosts Thanksgiving at your house.

Try taking out a bank loan to pay for gas.

Keep in mind that complaining about poor drivers will turn them into better drivers.

If you’re planning on going through Buffalo, don’t.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.