Abandoned Car Likely Belongs To Depressing Man

An abandoned car was found parked at a strip mall in Ewing, New Jersey early this morning. In a recent press briefing, authorities released details about the car in hopes that the owner can be identified.

“The car is a 2004 beige Toyota Camry,” said lead investigator Sergeant Barnabas Barbat, who assured reporters that he is fully aware of what a nightmare his name is. “We found a lot of crumbs in the driver’s seat but nowhere else, indicating that the driver often ate in his car alone. We also found various wrappers on and around the driver’s seat, all of which were for candy bars.”

Sergeant Barbat went on to identify the various stains found around the driver’s seat.

“There were no sex stains of any kind, which is rare for a car this old. Most of the stains we found were from various sodas. There were no coffee stains, so the driver is likely unemployed, and no alcohol stains, which suggests he’s a pusillanimous adultescent.”

Sergeant Barbat then paused and looked around the briefing room to see if anyone was impressed with his big words. Disappointed, he continued.

“The latch for the trunk was broken so we were able to check inside. We found a mountain of receipts, but all of them were from fast food restaurants and drug stores. Based on the receipts, we can confirm that the driver doesn’t know how to cook, can’t afford prescription medication, and has no hobbies whatsoever. We also found a perfectly untouched guitar, an old video camera, half of a novel manuscript, and various other paraphernalia from dreams that didn’t quite work out.”

The car was found in a parking lot on the corner of Drybeck Road and Prodelin Street, right in front of the closed Blockbuster that hasn’t been torn down yet. Authorities say that if you know someone fitting the above description then you should contact the Ewing police immediately.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Fox News Correspondent Not Sure What Slant To Put On Story About Transgender Muslim Police Dog

Fox News correspondent Hunter Toddson found himself in hot water on Monday when he accidentally stepped onto a geyser that had opened up in his pro-fracking town. Yesterday, however, Toddson found himself in metaphorical hot water when he had to produce a news story for his local Fox station about a transgender Muslim police dog who rescued a small child from a fire.

“At Fox we put stories into two categories,” he said. “The first is the Light Group, which is stories that promote traditional values, American heroes, our suave and intelligent President, anything we want to shed a light on to show how great this nation is. The second group is the Dark Group, which is stories about immigrants committing crimes, liberal college professors spilling food, people who have choked to death on socialism, or other terrors in this country lurking in the shadows that we have to report on.”

Toddson says that this particular news story fits into both the Light Group and the Dark Group and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“Any story about a dog, the third most American animal behind eagles and freshwater salmon, belongs in the Light Group. Combine that with the fact that this dog is an authority figure that dashed into a burning building and you got yourself a solid positive slant story. But on the other hand, transgenderism and anything having to do with non-Christian faiths is clearly a Dark Group story.”

As more details about the incident unfold, Toddson found his decision became increasingly difficult.

“It turns out the dog’s parents were both immigrants, which ordinarily would put this story in the Dark Group. But the dog also served in Afghanistan, which is a Light Group trait. The dog also turned out to be a Trump supporter, which is Light, but I just found out that the dog is female. I just don’t know what to do.”

Toddson says he will likely toss the entire story and instead write a piece about the firefighter who stood up for his religious rights by heroically refusing to put out that same fire because it was in an atheist’s apartment.

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Blogger Forgets Perfect Idea

Jonas Krakauer, of Blue Ridge, New Jersey, claims he came up with the best idea that he has ever had for his satirical news blog, but he forgot the idea before getting to his phone or his computer. Jonas says he’s lost a number of great ideas this way, but he knows something was different about this one particular idea.

“It was so good,” says Jonas. “It was politically smart but easy to comprehend. It was bold, it was funny… fuck, I just can’t remember it.”

Jonas says that his blog, which has been running for over three years, is starting to slow down. He’s having trouble coming up with content and there are days when he sees little reason to keep it going. He claims this recent idea he forgot would have changed everything.

“I know it had something to do with space aliens,” says Jonas. “It was like, space aliens going to a school, or the White House, or something. I think there was something about the Second Coming, or maybe it was the Second Amendment. Goddammit, it was so good.”

Jonas has tried recreating the circumstances in which the idea came to him to try and jog his memory. So far, he has been unsuccessful.

“I remember I was drying my hair and looking out the window at the same time, and I saw a woman walk by my house with a baby stroller. So I’ve just been staring out the window, trying to think, and every time I see a woman with a baby stroller I dump a bucket of water on my head and start drying. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’ve never washed my hair this much before, so at least I’m getting something out of it.”

Jonas says he might just give up on the idea altogether and instead write about how he can’t come up with anything.

“Obviously that would be boring for the reader, and so incredibly vain,” says Jonas, “but desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Most Online Dating Profiles Set Up By Ostriches Trying To Trick People Into Giving Them Bird Seed, Study Finds

According to a recent study, nearly 80% of online dating profiles are set up and run by crafty, mischievous ostriches that are trying to trick normal people into giving them birdseed. The study shows that this has been going on for over four years now, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to stop it.

Many online daters across the country have spoken out about the issue after the study was released, saying they were too embarrassed to say anything before.

“I got matched with a man named Eduardo Phillips,” says frequent online dater and scarf enthusiast Hanna Borgen. “We chatted for a while and every so often he would ask me if I had any birdseed. I thought he was just being quirky and weird like every other guy who uses dating sites.”

Hanna later found out that she had been chatting with an ostrich the whole time, and that this ostrich was just using her to buy birdseed.

“He started asking if I would send him birdseed through the mail. Small packages at first, then larger ones. It got to a point where I was spending hundreds of dollars a month on birdseed and shipping, and I had no idea where it was all going.”

Hanna says that whenever she had doubts about the relationship, “Eduardo” would reassure her that he was a person just like her, and that sending him birdseed was the best way she could show her love towards him.

“I felt like I could trust him, like I could confide in him,” said Hanna. “I can see now that he was just an ostrich preying on my insecurities, but it felt so real at the time.”

Hanna isn’t alone. Nearly 400,000 Americans have reported similar experiences in the last four years. Authorities are not certain if it is a single ostrich behind all these fraud cases, or a league of ostriches working together.

The FBI has issued a warning for every online dater in the United States to be on the lookout for profiles that look suspiciously like they might have been created by ostriches.

“If someone you meet online starts asking you for birdseed, the best thing you can do is to cease communicating with them,” said an FBI spokesperson this morning. “We are doing everything we can to find the ostrich or ostriches responsible.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Loose-Cannon Detective Partnered With By-The-Book Cop

Detective Jane Deckland of the Los Angeles Police Department reportedly became upset when her captain ordered her to take detective Barton Malloy, a so-called “milquetoast desk jockey,” as her partner. Deckland insists she works better alone.

“I single-handedly chased down a suspect on horseback while holding my sister’s baby in one hand and defusing a bomb in the other,” said Deckland. “I once had to prove my loyalty to a gang I infiltrated by snorting twelve different brands of cocaine at the same time. I’ve driven cars into speeding trains and steered runaway trains into speeding cars. I don’t need a goddamn partner.”

Deckland’s commanding officer, Captain Tyshawn Wilkes, says that Los Angeles is hemorrhaging money because of all the active lawsuits against the city whenever Deckland does something over the top.

“You’re out of control, Deckland,” Wilkes reportedly shouted at his best detective. “We can’t have you running around the city loose and wild anymore. You need to be put on a leash, like they did with my teenage son after he bit his teacher.”

Deckland became so livid that she yelled, threw objects around the room, and repeatedly fired her weapon at the sun.

Detective Malloy was also not happy with the new assignment. Malloy says he’s comfortable working desk duty and isn’t thrilled about returning to the field for the first time in thirteen years.

“My greatest dream in life is dying at my desk,” says Malloy, “because a giant racist tooth beat me in an arm-wrestling contest and then shot me. I haven’t had that dream since I stopped taking Percocet, but it was a pretty great one.”

Captain Wilkes says he’s confident that Malloy’s proclivity for caution and Birkenstocks is exactly what will keep Deckland in line, and that Deckland’s determination and .45 Magnum will teach Malloy to be a little more assertive. Their cases will likely be assigned weekly and will wrap up nicely in a thirty-minute block, with commercials.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Feigns Having Children To Purchase Sugar Cereal Free Of Guilt

Howard Normstrom, a 37-year-old engineer from Plainsfield, Arkansas, was arrested on Tuesday after it was discovered that his children were completely made up.

Howard says he started the ruse when shopping for sugar cereal roughly six years ago. Howard recounts getting looks of disapproval from cashiers and other shoppers whenever he bought himself Lucky Charms, Frosted Flakes, or Sugar Splosion Balls. One day he casually remarked to a cashier that they were for his children, and to his surprise, the disdainful looks stopped.

“I was sick and tired of people looking at me like I was some kind of child,” says Howard. “I honestly don’t know why I said it. It just slipped out… like the time I called my college girlfriend by her mother’s name during sex.”

Howard found that pretending to have kids had other perks that fit his lifestyle. He could start buying action figures again without people judging him, watch Saturday morning cartoons with the volume all the way up without completely upsetting his neighbors, and order off of the kid’s menu to eat foods that made him feel safe.

In order to keep up appearances, Howard made sure to litter his apartment with toys and decorate it with various stains of unknown origin. He would keep pictures of toddler-aged Olson twins in his wallet as proof that he had children, who no one would recognize since society as a whole has completely forgotten that the Olson twins used to be adorable.

Howard was caught sneaking into a showing of the PG-rated film “Boss Baby” with two stray dogs that he dressed up to look like human children. His fellow moviegoers became suspicious when the dogs gave submissive barks at Alec Baldwin’s dominant, wolf-like voice. Howard will most likely be released since he did not commit any actual crimes other than being a total weirdo.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

String Of Disappearances Possibly Related To New Dating App

Recent evidence has linked a number of bizarre disappearances across the country with a new dating app called “IrthMate.” All of the disappearances have been young adult males, and it has been confirmed that all of them recently downloaded IrthMate and were using it shortly before their disappearance.

One of the men who disappeared was Chad Grevski, a 26-year-old temp from Saint Falls, Virginia. Grevski’s phone was left behind in his apartment, and the last few messages he sent and received through the app indicate that he was leaving to meet up with a woman he met on the app with the username, “NormalEarthGirl387.”

A man matching Grevski’s description was seen wandering into a dark alleyway not far from his apartment, which investigators claim was the agreed upon meet-up spot. Reports say that a bright cone of green light beamed down into the alleyway from unusually low clouds. One woman claims she saw Grevski floating up this beam of light before it dissipated.

“I was walking my dog when I saw the light coming down,” says eyewitness Jasmine Flynn. “I saw what looked like a man going up into the light, and then he was gone. I remember thinking how weird that was since people don’t usually float upwards into beams of light; I just assumed he was drunk.”

Brad Verbewski, another avid hook-up app user, claims that shortly after using IrthMate he was abducted by aliens, and that everyone who uses the app shares the same fate.

“I was messaging this chick on there, I think her name was ‘HumanWomanReal5583,’ and she said we should meet up,” says Brad. “I put on a sleeveless shirt and went to where she said she would be, and this light came down and I was taken up onto a ship. And I was like, ‘whoa, dude, this is not happening.’”

Brad claims that the app was set up by extraterrestrials, and that they’re abducting bros all around the country to solve a population crisis on their home planet.

“The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by these super hot alien space babes who all wanted to get with me. They said if we didn’t start bumpin’ immediately they were gonna vaporize the whole planet. I had no choice but to bang all these hot alien ladies, like hundreds of them, thousands. I must have been goin’ at it like a week.”

Brad was in fact reported missing for nearly a week, and he says he can provide evidence for his unusually graphic close encounter. He claims to have gotten an alien STD.

“There are these tiny tentacle looking things that started growing around my junk, and every day at exactly 10:26 in the morning, they do this thing that I can best describe as acid-sneezing. They itch and burn something awful… I don’t know what it’s called, but I had pretty much everything before gettin’ this.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.