Truck Driving Creep Uses Ice Cream To Attract Children

Several families in the town of Redacker, Pennsylvania have expressed concern over sightings of an identified man in a strange-looking truck driving through neighborhoods and attempting to lure children to him. The man blasts creepy nursery rhymes over a speaker system to draw the children in.

“It’s very concerning,” said area mother Miri Virashti. “I always thought this was a safe neighborhood because of all the gun owners in the area, but now I’m not so sure.”

The unknown driver, who was described by eye witnesses as exceedingly unemployable, has adorned the sides of his truck with images of ice cream to attract children. A local auto-mechanic claims that the vehicle’s odd shape indicates that it is refrigerated, which further terrifies local parents.

“What does this strange man want with our kids?” asked Miri. “I mean, you let your mind wander just thinking about it, and it’s sick. He might be trying to make our kids catch a cold or something.”

So far no children have been abducted, but there were a few close calls. Eight year old Becca Wallace says she got close enough to talk to the driver.

“He was nice, he said he would give me ice cream if I gave him three dollars,” says Becca Wallace. “I said ‘no’ because even I know that’s a rip-off.”

There have been reports across the country of similar trucks stalking suburban neighborhoods since the 1950s, but most believe they’re just an urban legend, like Bigfoot or the female orgasm. Tales of the refrigerated truck driver have brought conspiracy theorists to Redacker.

“Some of us say the frozen truck driver is a ghost,” says conspiracy theorist Chuck Balding, who in fact isn’t. “Some say the driver is a serial killer, as was every driver before him, and they’ve been passing down the keys to that truck ever generation. I personally think there’s a network of them, all across the country, coordinating attacks against lactose intolerant kids.”

The mayor of Redacker has issued an official warning stating that anyone playing children’s songs or eating ice cream in public could be subject to an immediate arrest.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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Millennial Living At Home With Parents Hiding Secret Second Family

Thom and Dana Corrigan of Celroy, Massachusetts, were shocked to discover this past Monday that their 24-year-old son Josh had been hiding a secret second family from them for nearly three years. Josh has been living with Thom and Dana since graduating college two years ago.

What surprised Thom and Dana the most, however, is that the family their son was seeing in secret consisted of Josh and a different married couple Thom and Dana’s age. Psychologist Marianna Quinn commented on the matter.

“In most cases of secret families you have a man, typically a man of influence, who falls out of love with his spouse and in love with someone else. Instead of leaving his spouse he starts a new life with his new love, often in a different town and under a different name. And then of course the original spouse finds out she burns down the childhood home of that bitch who ruined her life but makes sure she’s somewhere public when it all goes down so she has a solid alibi… but anyway, the case of Josh Corrigan is different because he didn’t start a new family. He just latched onto a different one.”

Thom and Dana were under the impression that their son Josh had a part time job; he would play video games during the day, and then leave for his job at night. In truth, Josh had no part time job. At night he would instead go to the home of empty nesters Riley and Shauna Levinson and continue playing video games at their house.

“Our son Daniel was in a car accident three years ago,” said Shauna. “One day Josh came to our door and told us that he was Daniel, but that the accident rearranged his face so he looked different now. We had no reason not to believe him.”

In truth, Josh and Daniel had planned this stunt together while the two met as roommates in college. Josh confessed to Daniel that he had no aspirations in life, and Daniel was sick of his parents taking care of him. The two faked a car accident so that Josh could assume Daniel’s sheltered life, and Daniel could move across the country to become more independent.

The two were finally caught when Shauna Levinson caught Josh eating a burger.

“My son Daniel would never eat red meat,” said Shauna. “He’s too afraid of that mad cow disease. I’m not sure what really gave it away, but it was definitely either the burger or the fact that Josh would constantly hit on me.”

Josh has been charged with identify fraud, and Daniel has been charged with aiding and abetting. Their life’s story is currently being adapted into a comedy movie that probably stars Ryan Reynolds and some nerd.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Hat Worn In Lieu Of Shower

Derek Mariscone, a 28-year-old social media manager from Chicago, successfully fooled everyone he encountered last Tuesday when he wore a hat instead of showering. Mariscone said the idea just came to him the night before.

“I was staying up late watching something that wasn’t porn,” said Mariscone, “and dreading how early I was going to have to get up the next day to shower before work. I didn’t want to shower, but I knew I had to.”

Mariscone recalled thinking that people would immediately be able to tell by the state of his hair that he had willfully neglected his personal hygiene.

“Then it hit me,” said Mariscone, “If I just wear a hat then no one will be able to see my hair, they won’t be able to tell that I’m actually a disgusting greaseball. I don’t know why no one has thought of this before.”

Mariscone strode about Chicago yesterday brimming with confidence despite feeling like an ape turd.

“Normally when I don’t bathe I just feel so gross and depressed the whole day,” said Mariscone. “I still felt it, of course, but this time nobody really saw it. They still saw me use my sleeves as napkins and cry in the Wendy’s parking lot, but I could tell this time people thought it was for a cool reason and not just because I’m a pathetic loser.”

Mariscone’s coworkers also noted a positive change in the man they once forgot about and accidentally locked in the building during a gas leak.

“I was actually planning on firing Derek today,” said Mariscone’s boss Sheila Burns, “but I saw some guy wearing a hat sitting at Derek’s desk, so I assume I already fired him during a coke high and just don’t remember. But I’ll tell you what I do remember, and it’s that that little moron never wore hats. It’s the one thing about him I found tolerable.”

Mariscone made no official claim as to whether or not he would undergo the full “hat guy” conversion.

“I guess I’ve thought about being a hat guy, I don’t know,” said Mariscone. “I mean, I’d have to change my name to Mike or Rob or something, and I’d probably have to start wearing shirts with words on them and post political things on Facebook. I don’t know, I’m really just experimenting right now.”

Mariscone said he’s unsure whether his future will be a hat filled one, but he was able to guarantee that he will quit bathing indefinitely.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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Area Woman Knows This Likely Last Year She Can Get Flu Shot

With healthcare uncertainty around the horizon millions of Americans could soon find themselves uninsured. Vaccinations, booster shots and prescription medications could soon become luxury items.

Some Americans, like Aditya Bhurin of Virginia Falls, Kentucky, are trying to find a bit of light in the coming darkness. Aditya says she’s “making the best” of what might be the last flu shot of her life.

“There’s no reason I can’t make this fun,” said Aditya. “I mean, I know it’s hard to make fun out of anything with needles, unless you’re either in 1970’s New York or a modern day Ivy League school, but I want to make this memorable.”

Aditya entered her local Rite Aid with a GoPro strapped to her head to document the experience for future generations. Other Rite Aid customers noted Aditya’s confidence as she marched to the pharmacy in the back.

“You never see that anymore,” said one customer. “I do all my shopping here ever since being banned from Eckerd for a sex thing, but even there no one’s ever excited to get poked with something.”

Aditya took commemorative selfies with every pharmacist, all of whom were simply relieved to get a brief respite from dealing with downers only here to fill anti-depression prescriptions.

“I’ve injected a lot of things into a lot of people,” said pharmacist David Koh, “but never have I had a patient so thrilled to get deceased microbes administered into their left arm.”

Aditya reportedly convinced a pharmacist to inject her with multiple flu shots for multiple different strains in the hope that this would fend off ailments in the medicine-absent future that America is heading towards.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Germ-Filled Mouth Most Diverse Place in Nation

A heartwarming story of pathological disaster struck a small town in North Carolina today when it was discovered that Colin Fargus, a local auto-mechanic, has a mouth containing more foreign organisms than are present in one location anywhere else in the country. Colin’s mouth was officially declared the “most diverse area in the nation” by the doctor in charge of treating Colin.

“Seeing all these different forms of disease, parasites and fungi working together under one common goal, which is to kill Colin, really brings tears to my eyes,” says Dr. George Jiminez, “not just because of the smell, but because it’s like these organisms are working together in a way that humans never could. We could really learn a lot from them.”

Colin visited his local dentist’s office complaining of toothaches, headaches, fever, numbness in his extremities, lack of appetite, blindness, deafness, hallucinations, heart palpitations, abnormal hair growth, spontaneous combustion, homophobia and other debilitating symptoms. Colin’s dentist immediately notified the CDC after initial examination of Colin’s mouth, and he’s been in quarantine ever since.

While treatments for Colin’s various diseases are hastily being applied, many see the diversity of Colin’s mouth as something that should be celebrated in a nation fatally divided by matters of race, sex, gender, religion, and whether or not Mad Max: Fury Road deserved to be nominated for best picture.

“Colin’s mouth is a reflection of the melting pot that is this country,” said Dr. Jiminez. “If he dies in the next few hours, which is certainly possible, then he will surely die a hero.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Forced to Wait 40 Goddamn Minutes for Haircut

Local office worker Donald McMillan was tragically inconvenienced yesterday afternoon when he was forced to wait in a forty minute line just to get a goddamn haircut. Supercuts was the first of many stops that Donald had planned to make after work, but the unusually long wait time forced those plans to be changed.

“I didn’t even have time to stop at a supermarket to get dinner, so I had to resort to fast food,” said Donald. “I mean, I don’t mind fast food at all, but this is the second night in a row now, you know?”

An investigation is underway to determine the cause of the delay, but experts speculate that if Shauna and Gina hadn’t both called in sick, the wait time might have been shortened to fifteen, or even ten minutes.

“What really doesn’t add up about this case,” said renowned haircutologist Dr. Brooke Jenkinsen, “is that Shauna asked to take yesterday off two weeks ago and was denied. And Gina has been flakey ever since she learned that her husband died in Afghanistan. This is going to be a pretty lengthy investigation.”

No news yet on whether or not this scandal will affect Supercuts and its parent company Outstandinghaircuttersanddressers in any lasting way.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Treehouse to Lift Ban on Admittance of Girls

Fort Avendjers, a treehouse in Zachary’s backyard that his dad built, broke major ground this week by announcing it would eradicate its strict “no girls allowed” policy for this upcoming weekend.

“At this time all girls are allowed in the Fort as long as everyone is okay with it and they know the secret password,” Zachary announced at the conclusion of last weekend’s meeting.

Much of the weekend was spent debating the issue once Zachary and Tyler brought it up shortly after everyone finished playing superheroes this past Saturday. The debate was sparked when Zachary mentioned that Cindy Weir from across the street said she wanted to play, expressing a fondness in superheroes that Zachary had not expected to find in a girl.

Zachary was then accused of liking Cindy Weir, a point which he vehemently denied and claimed that she just wanted to play and isn’t as “Cindy Weird” as everyone thinks she is. It was at this point that Tyler defended Zachary, saying that if girls were allowed in Fort Avendjers then they might be able to even out the teams for when they play superheroes while Brian Needleman is at Karate.

Eventually the movement was passed on a vote with the only opposed being James from down the street who was very upset about the idea, but has also been really crabby in general ever since his mom left a few months ago. Girls will still not be able to vote on Fort functions and must pass mandatory cooties screenings if they wish to enter, but this is still a massive step for what some of the boys refer to as “the coolest most awesome Fort that was ever built in the history of forever.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.