Facebook has been flooded recently with posts announcing the engagements and wedding plans of numerous former friends and classmates from high school, but early reports are coming in that even fucking Jeremy Cooper is among them.

Jeremy, who was known around high school for his antics that included throwing pumpkins at speeding trucks, urinating in the gas tank of the principal’s car and eating a burger found off the side of a highway over a 30 dollar bet, has somehow landed a fiancée before you’ve even had your first serious real-world girlfriend.

Investigations were launched to see if Jeremy’s fiancée “Alyssa Kruger,” who you’ve never even heard of, is in fact an actual person and not someone Jeremy made up. Reports indicate, however, that not only is Alyssa real, she’s also college-educated and far more attractive than any of the three girls you’ve dated seriously.

No one has yet to understand what Alyssa sees in the guy who in high school was known for never being seen with a backpack and owning just three shirts that were all obtained at rock concerts, but many speculate it’s a Green Card marriage or she has some sort of personality disorder, because there’s no goddamn way this is really happening.

Jeremy, who in high school always seemed to smell like morning breath and was voted “Most Likely to Contract Rabies at Least Twice” when he graduated two years late, will likely be sending out wedding invitations sometime next month. Many of his Facebook friends have started taking bets on where the wedding will take place, maybe like the parking lot of the country’s largest Sam’s Club or the hole Jeb Bush was born in or something. Either way the marriage will probably only last like six months, right? It just can’t go a full year. There’s just no way.

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.