Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Hillary Clinton Announces Plans to Retire as US President

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced on Sunday that she plans on running for the position of United States President during her retirement from public service. Clinton said during the announcement that she is aware that many senior citizens have trouble staying busy during their retirement days, and promised that, if elected, running the country would be more of a side hobby than an actual fulltime job. The Democratic Party will begin vetting the former First Lady later this week and has already begun trying to persuade other politicians to bid for the Democratic ticket, fearing that the only person in their party who appears to be interested in the presidency is a grandmother who hasn’t figured out how emails work.

 

2. Gwyneth Paltrow Splurges on New Food Stamp Diet

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow has been eating better than she has in her entire life by forcing herself to spend no more than $29 a week on food to simulate living on food stamps for Mario Batali’s “Food Bank Challenge.” This has been a huge change for the tiny actress, whose ordinary diet of ice, dried leaves and sugar cubes typically costs her about $12.50 a week. Paltrow commented that cramming an excess 100 calories a day has taken a toll on her health and she can’t believe there are public programs that force people to live this way.

 

3. Mysterious Deaths Escalate Since Installation of Lucille Ball Statue

More unexplained deaths have occurred in Celoron, New York, the site of the controversial bronze Lucille Ball statue that gives the late television star the likeness of a young, demonic Harry James Olmos. Many Celoron citizens have been found dead after being strangled with pearl necklaces and ingesting lethal doses of Vitameatavegamin. So far there has been no real linkage between the deaths and statue, but many citizens have been vocally “Wah!” on the subject.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Check back next Tuesday for an in-depth look at Robert De Niro’s mole.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.