Hillary Clinton

Lizard Men Unsettled By State Of U.S. Politics

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Recent reports indicate that the secret society of lizard men who have been guiding American government and culture since the country’s inception have finally returned to Earth after being on vacation since 2015. The Reptilians left for their homeworld, Planet X, shortly before Donald Trump announced his candidacy for the presidency, and are shocked by how their project has deteriorated in the last three and a half years.

“Everything was going fine,” said Xylluriax, a lieutenant in the Nibiru Invasion Agency. “Honestly, it’s kind of impressive how humans are able to fuck things up so much in such a small amount of time.”

The NIA has been infiltrating the United States government and orchestrating world events to slowly eradicate humankind and replace it with a crossbreed of human and Reptilian creatures that will rule the Earth. It’s a highly delicate plan with no room for error, but after centuries, the lizard men needed a break.

“We put it all in the hands of Zandorrah,” continued Xylluriax, “who in the past had proven to be an excellent shapeshifter and slummus trankulator, but not a very likable person. Zandorrah had been impersonating a human for decades, and served as the U.S. Secretary of State under President Obama from 2009 to 2013.”

Zandorrah was meant to become President after Barrack Obama. Under Zandorrah’s rule, Americans were to be given free healthcare so that a mutation formula could be administered to the entire population through mandatory vaccinations. Zandorrah convinced the other Reptilians that he could accomplish this on his own, and that the rest of them deserved a relaxing break. Somehow, Zandorrah let the election slip away from him.

“Now we’re back,” said Xyllurian, “and all of our focus is on restoring Reptilian power and undoing all the damage done by the unevolved primates currently in control of Washington. Our plans should be up and running again after the 2020 election, but we’re making a strong push to get things back this November.”

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips for Trick-or-Treat Safety

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Trick-or-treating is been a favorite Halloween tradition among youngsters ever since the 13th century B.C.E. Unfortunately, however, it has become one of the most dangerous activities for children ever since the white man invaded sacred ground, so follow these 13 tips for a safe night of looting your neighbor’s homes for sugar and the worst thing you’ll get this year is a bellyache!

 

1. Dress up as a giant ball of light so you can be seen by oncoming traffic.

2. Make sure everyone in your company is trick-or-treating with police dogs that can sniff out any tampered candy.

3. It’s a little-known fact that clowns are terrified of sawdust, so in the wake of recent “killer clown” sightings across the country it’s a good idea to cover yourself in sacks of sawdust.

4. Litter your neighborhood with landmines so if you ever get chased by a maniac you can lead them to their unwitting demise.

5. Wear a thick, heavy raincoat. Climate Change could strike at any moment.

6. Millions of American children die in accidents every year because they text while trick-or-treating. Don’t be one of them.

7. Get all your trick-or-treating done before sundown. You’ll get the best candy, be much safer and give your classmates something to laugh about.

8. On Halloween you’re just as susceptible to germs as ever, so dress up as a bar of soap.

9. If you’re an adult concerned about the safety of neighborhood children, pick a young trick-or-treater and follow him or her around in your car all night.

10. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Clinton supporters, you’re liable to get healthy treats.

11. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Trump supporters, you’re liable to get shot.

12. Just buy candy.

13. Murder clowns and serial killers are out there, be always stay vigilant for the real killer of Halloween – diabetes.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #07 – Hillary Clinton, Gwyneth Paltrow, Lucille Ball

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Hillary Clinton Announces Plans to Retire as US President

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced on Sunday that she plans on running for the position of United States President during her retirement from public service. Clinton said during the announcement that she is aware that many senior citizens have trouble staying busy during their retirement days, and promised that, if elected, running the country would be more of a side hobby than an actual fulltime job. The Democratic Party will begin vetting the former First Lady later this week and has already begun trying to persuade other politicians to bid for the Democratic ticket, fearing that the only person in their party who appears to be interested in the presidency is a grandmother who hasn’t figured out how emails work.

 

2. Gwyneth Paltrow Splurges on New Food Stamp Diet

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow has been eating better than she has in her entire life by forcing herself to spend no more than $29 a week on food to simulate living on food stamps for Mario Batali’s “Food Bank Challenge.” This has been a huge change for the tiny actress, whose ordinary diet of ice, dried leaves and sugar cubes typically costs her about $12.50 a week. Paltrow commented that cramming an excess 100 calories a day has taken a toll on her health and she can’t believe there are public programs that force people to live this way.

 

3. Mysterious Deaths Escalate Since Installation of Lucille Ball Statue

More unexplained deaths have occurred in Celoron, New York, the site of the controversial bronze Lucille Ball statue that gives the late television star the likeness of a young, demonic Harry James Olmos. Many Celoron citizens have been found dead after being strangled with pearl necklaces and ingesting lethal doses of Vitameatavegamin. So far there has been no real linkage between the deaths and statue, but many citizens have been vocally “Wah!” on the subject.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Check back next Tuesday for an in-depth look at Robert De Niro’s mole.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.