13 Tips for Trick-or-Treat Safety

Trick-or-treating is been a favorite Halloween tradition among youngsters ever since the 13th century B.C.E. Unfortunately, however, it has become one of the most dangerous activities for children ever since the white man invaded sacred ground, so follow these 13 tips for a safe night of looting your neighbor’s homes for sugar and the worst thing you’ll get this year is a bellyache!

 

1. Dress up as a giant ball of light so you can be seen by oncoming traffic.

2. Make sure everyone in your company is trick-or-treating with police dogs that can sniff out any tampered candy.

3. It’s a little-known fact that clowns are terrified of sawdust, so in the wake of recent “killer clown” sightings across the country it’s a good idea to cover yourself in sacks of sawdust.

4. Litter your neighborhood with landmines so if you ever get chased by a maniac you can lead them to their unwitting demise.

5. Wear a thick, heavy raincoat. Climate Change could strike at any moment.

6. Millions of American children die in accidents every year because they text while trick-or-treating. Don’t be one of them.

7. Get all your trick-or-treating done before sundown. You’ll get the best candy, be much safer and give your classmates something to laugh about.

8. On Halloween you’re just as susceptible to germs as ever, so dress up as a bar of soap.

9. If you’re an adult concerned about the safety of neighborhood children, pick a young trick-or-treater and follow him or her around in your car all night.

10. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Clinton supporters, you’re liable to get healthy treats.

11. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Trump supporters, you’re liable to get shot.

12. Just buy candy.

13. Murder clowns and serial killers are out there, be always stay vigilant for the real killer of Halloween – diabetes.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Advertisements

Nauseating Couple Already Planning Halloween Costumes

Friends of Lynda Brost and Phil Linderman became disgusted over the weekend after the couple shared their plans for the “perfect Halloween costume” during a backyard get-together.

“It’s just so depressing whenever you see a couple reach this point,” said Karen Berman, one of Lynda’s longtime friends. “There’s a point in every relationship where both people just stop getting excited over those pointless romantic gestures. Unfortunately that point is past the one where everyone who isn’t in the relationship gets disgusted by them.”

“They’re definitely different, too,” said Karen’s boyfriend Donald. “They’ve been going out for two years and they’re still into that shit. Karen and I lost that after four months, just like any other ordinary couple. I don’t know why they just can’t be like everybody else.”

Lynda explained that she would dress as Katniss Everdeen from the popular Hunger Games franchise, and Phil would dress up as Hawkeye from the Avengers franchise. The gimmick is that both use bows and arrows as their choice weapon, so they wouldn’t have to vary their costumes too much. None of Lynda and Phil’s friends, however, understand why the two idolize characters from children’s movies.

“Where the hell are they planning on showing these costumes off, exactly?” asked Craig, one of Phil’s friends. “Are they going to the office dressed up like that? Are they going to crash some highschooler’s party? I mean… goddammit, I’m more just curious than anything.”

This feeling of nausea and frustration around the happy couple has reportedly lasted for several months now, with all of Lynda and Phil’s closest friends and relatives secretly hoping they’ll break up soon and be miserable like human beings are supposed to be.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Just Now Taking Down Last Year’s Christmas Decorations

Richard Murano, a 42-year-old architectural consultant in Harfolk, Delaware, has finally gotten around to removing his Christmas decorations from the previous year.

Richard reports that there were many reasons for the 11-month delay, which was verified by members of the Murano household who often heard Richard remark how it was “too cold out,” or how his “work pants needed to be cleaned first.”

The husband and father of three’s apparent refusal to shed his home of yuletide spirit was met with confusion by his neighbors. Many assumed the Muranos were just more religious than was originally believed, whereas others thought that Richard was confused himself, thinking that Richard believed Christmas lasted 12 months and not 12 days. The rest of the Murano family learned to embrace their new surroundings – this past October they hosted the most holly jolly Halloween party in recorded history.

Richard finally began to dismantle the lights on his house and nativity scene in his front yard over the weekend. He claims to have finally found some time to do so because baseball is over and his boycott of the NFL since the Ray Rice scandal is still going strong.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Lesser-Known Halloween Traditions

For many, Halloween means dressing up as their favorite fictional characters, watching scary movies and handing out candy to sweet-toothed youngsters. But the holiday has been around for a while and has moved between nations, so many of the classic Halloween traditions have lost their voice… and some have just started getting popular. Here is a list of some lesser-known Halloween traditions.

 

Often, ordinary women will dress down to appear their sluttiest, while nuns will dress down to appear as ordinary women.

Hitting anyone who uses the term “Spooktacular.”

Handing out eggs and toilet paper so youngsters can trick the houses with subpar candy.

Slathering lamb’s blood on your doorframe to ward off Death.

Children enjoy bobbing for apples, while adults enjoy bobbing for contraceptives.

On Halloween night, if you stand in front of a mirror with the lights off and say “Zachary Quinto” three times, the actor will appear behind you and steal your eyebrows.

Promoting diabetes.

Starting drunken brawls with any person also wearing your costume.

Recently, haunted hayrides are being overshadowed by the increasingly popular haunted Zipcar scene.

Giving trick-or-treaters a fright by handing out copies of Gary Busey films.

Completing the harvest.

Some like to hollow out pumpkins, but the truly spirited will make their jack-o-lanterns out of human heads.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Haunted Escalator Claims Another Victim

The Central Valley Mall in Arken, Arizona, has been the site of a series of deaths that many believe to be perpetrated by a haunted escalator. The most recent death occurred last Saturday when Delia Santiago, a 46-year-old orthodontic receptionist, fell down the up escalator for 20 minutes.

The escalator, referred to by superstitious locals as the “Stairway to Hell,” has been considered haunted since 1981 when a mall patron suffered a heart attack on it after spotting a corduroy sale in a nearby OshKosh B’Gosh. Since then it’s been rumored that the spirits of the men and women who have died on the automatic staircase inadvertently trip the living while scrambling to finally reach the second floor.

Delia Santiago’s is the fifth death attributed to the Stairway to Hell. The escalator is located in the center of the mall between a Cinnabon, a Forever 21 and another Cinnabon.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Teens Disappointed After Night in Haunted House Goes as Expected

A group of teenagers from Boston recently stayed in the “Bloody Shutter House,” a small mansion outside of the city that has been abandoned since a string of murders in the 1970s, and were greatly disappointed upon discovering the house’s urban legends turned out to be true.

The house was finished in 1897 and traded homeowners frequently in the 80 years before its indefinite foreclosure, with every owner going insane, committing suicide, or being murdered by a loved one. It’s said that if any group stays in the house overnight a week before Halloween, at least one person will die in it.

This is precisely what happened when six attractive teenagers decided to brave the infamous house last Saturday. Over the course of the night, the teens were picked off one by one by vengeful spirits and possessed peers. Though horrifying, none of them were moved by the ordeal since they all entered the house expecting this to happen.

Only two teens survived the incident. One of them, Brett Farley, star quarterback of the football team and Homecoming King contender, was responsible for the deaths of three of his friends that night and will likely live out his days in a sanitarium. The other survivor, Kelly Mitchell, a popular blonde cheerleader and widely regarded attention whore, was generally unimpressed by the incident.

“I mean it was kinda scary I guess,” said Kelly in an interview while she texted her backup friends. “When you know what’s gonna happen it’s not that scary though. Brett’s always been kind of a douche, I sorta figured he’d be the one to go crazy.”

Kelly returned to school on Monday, unshaken by the terrifying event. It’s rumored that another group of friends will try to stay in the Bloody Shutter House tonight, electing to bring Netflix-enabled devices in case the murders get too boring.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nation’s Ghosts Angered by Commercialization of Halloween

The year’s Halloween spirit is threatened by a number of angry spirits – many American ghosts have been speaking out against the capitalization of Halloween. Specters across the nation are convinced that the holiday has more to do with candy sales than it does with scaring the living.

“It’s become an abomination,” says Winston Montgomery III, former owner of a Virginia mansion who was murdered in his bedroom in 1938 and haunts the grounds to this day. “Scaring people on Halloween night used to be a time-honored tradition that I looked forward to year after year. Now I can’t so much as move a utensil or appear in a mirror without a five-year-old dressed as a superhero or a princess showing up at the door every five minutes.”

Many ghosts and ghouls are blaming candy manufacturers for the change in the holiday’s traditions. Workers at chocolate factories and candy stores across the nation have been receiving death-threats all month long, which haven’t been taken seriously since the people making these threats are proof that death isn’t really a big deal.

The dead decided to make their plight public over the weekend by attempting to organize a march in Chicago, but this proved fruitless since most of them didn’t have legs.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.