KILLER ADVICE: What Should I Do With All The Bones That I Keep Finding On My Property?

You’re reading ‘Killer Advice,’ a weekly advice column managed by the staff of Circus Killer News. Killer Advice was recently awarded “Best Advice Ever Given” by 9 out of 10 people who had a knife held to their throat.

 

This week’s question comes to us from Silas Guzman, an electrician from Sable Doux, Wisconsin. He writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
I recently started digging a hole in my backyard so that I could reach China and get authentic Chinese food right on my own property, but when I got just two feet deep on my first hole, I found a human skeleton. I started digging another hole on another spot on my property, and there was a skeleton in that hole, too. I tried digging a hole to China eight more times, and each time I found a different human skeleton. Now I have thousands of bones, but I have no idea what to do with them. Can you think of anyway that these bones would be useful?”

 

Silas, you hit the jackpot. There are so many uses for bones that it’s actually going to be difficult to fit them all into this post. Most of the problems that average Americans face on a daily basis is not having enough bones, so if you play this right, you could be living like a king for the rest of your life.

Before detailing the many uses for bones, however, we have to caution against doing anything with them without knowing where they came from. It’s entirely possible that your home is built on top of a Native American burial ground, and messing around with those bones could lead to a serious poltergeist infestation. You could also wind up with a haunting if the skeletons belong to anyone who was murdered, especially if they were murdered by a clown. Check to make sure none of the funny bones are missing.

One of the ways you could use these bones, Silas, is by putting them out as Halloween decorations. Even if it weren’t that time of year, it’s always a good idea to have skeletons littering your lawn to scare off trespassers. You could also glue different bones together to create a massive bone monster to prop up on your lawn, which would serve the same purpose.

You could also substitute all those bones in your cooking. Bones are an excellent source of calcium, and if you can grind them up into a fine powder then you can mix them in your drinks and your food. You’ll strengthen your immune system significantly, and if you consume enough human bones then you can actually stop yourself from aging. The only negative side to eating human bones is that you might get psychic visions of the person whose bones you’re eating, which can be very annoying.

The last usage we’ll leave you with is the most obvious one; get those bones surgically implanted into your body. The more bones you have, the healthier and stronger you are. Everyone will be able to see the dozens of extra bones beneath your stretched out skin and they will think you are the mightiest person ever.

We hope this helps, Silas, and if it doesn’t then please sell us all of your bones.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Weight Loss

Americans are as obsessed with losing weight as they are with unintentionally gaining it. Each year, millions of Americans are killed because of weight loss regimens that are too extreme, too untested, or too volcanic. To investigate the dangers of losing weight, Circus Killer News persuaded Mica Raszbo, one of its most expendable reporters, to try out a few different methods of getting thin.

The first weight loss method that Mica tried out was dieting. He went on a “Green” diet in which he could only eat green foods, but Mica kept getting sick because he would just eat green Skittles. Mica then tried the “Fist Hunter” diet where he was only allowed to eat animals that he could both ride and kill with his bare hands. This proved to be an excellent means of losing weight for Mica because he ended up not eating anything for seven days. Lastly, Mica went on a diet called “Holes for Goals” where he was only permitted to eat foods with holes in them, such as bagels, Swiss cheese, and DVDs. This was the most nutritious diet by far.

There are a lot of different weight loss drugs on the market, but because there is no agency in the United States that regulates food and drugs, it’s impossible to know for certain which weight loss drugs are safe, and which ones are highly explosive. We mixed a bunch of different weight less pills into Mica’s lunch without his knowledge to see how his body would react. After about thirty minutes, he began vomiting on everything nearby. He also lost his vision, convulsed uncontrollably, and started speaking fluent Portuguese, which is a language that he didn’t know before. Also his right hand completely fell off, so he did technically loose about fifteen pounds.

As we accompanied Mica to a hospital to get his hand reattached, we inquired about surgical weight loss options. Since bones are the heaviest part of your body, the smartest surgical option would be a simple bone removal, where they take out some of the bones that you aren’t using. Another option is an organ reduction; we only use 10% of our brains, so slicing out that unused 90% will help you get rid of any excess brain-weight that you might be carrying with you. We went ahead and signed up Mica for both of the procedures while he was passed out.

This left only one more weight loss measure for Mica to test out: exercise. We gave Mica a gym membership so that he could start pumping iron, treading mills, and doing that thing Chuck Norris does in that commercial, but he never used his membership. Ever since he was brought home from the hospital, he’s done nothing but lay in bed as a drooling, motionless, unresponsive pool of human soup. That gym membership was pretty expensive, so Circus Killer News is now suing Mica for everything he has.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.