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KILLER ADVICE: What Should I Do With All The Bones That I Keep Finding On My Property?

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You’re reading ‘Killer Advice,’ a weekly advice column managed by the staff of Circus Killer News. Killer Advice was recently awarded “Best Advice Ever Given” by 9 out of 10 people who had a knife held to their throat.

 

This week’s question comes to us from Silas Guzman, an electrician from Sable Doux, Wisconsin. He writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
I recently started digging a hole in my backyard so that I could reach China and get authentic Chinese food right on my own property, but when I got just two feet deep on my first hole, I found a human skeleton. I started digging another hole on another spot on my property, and there was a skeleton in that hole, too. I tried digging a hole to China eight more times, and each time I found a different human skeleton. Now I have thousands of bones, but I have no idea what to do with them. Can you think of anyway that these bones would be useful?”

 

Silas, you hit the jackpot. There are so many uses for bones that it’s actually going to be difficult to fit them all into this post. Most of the problems that average Americans face on a daily basis is not having enough bones, so if you play this right, you could be living like a king for the rest of your life.

Before detailing the many uses for bones, however, we have to caution against doing anything with them without knowing where they came from. It’s entirely possible that your home is built on top of a Native American burial ground, and messing around with those bones could lead to a serious poltergeist infestation. You could also wind up with a haunting if the skeletons belong to anyone who was murdered, especially if they were murdered by a clown. Check to make sure none of the funny bones are missing.

One of the ways you could use these bones, Silas, is by putting them out as Halloween decorations. Even if it weren’t that time of year, it’s always a good idea to have skeletons littering your lawn to scare off trespassers. You could also glue different bones together to create a massive bone monster to prop up on your lawn, which would serve the same purpose.

You could also substitute all those bones in your cooking. Bones are an excellent source of calcium, and if you can grind them up into a fine powder then you can mix them in your drinks and your food. You’ll strengthen your immune system significantly, and if you consume enough human bones then you can actually stop yourself from aging. The only negative side to eating human bones is that you might get psychic visions of the person whose bones you’re eating, which can be very annoying.

The last usage we’ll leave you with is the most obvious one; get those bones surgically implanted into your body. The more bones you have, the healthier and stronger you are. Everyone will be able to see the dozens of extra bones beneath your stretched out skin and they will think you are the mightiest person ever.

We hope this helps, Silas, and if it doesn’t then please sell us all of your bones.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

KILLER ADVICE: Why Do I Keep Losing Things?

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You’re reading Killer Advice, a weekly write-in advice column managed by the staff of Circus Killer News. This column exists because the CKN staff is committed to bettering the lives of its loyal readers, and because helping people in this fashion fulfills a court-ordered community service requirement.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Zabelle Dyson, who lives in Annioux, West Virginia. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News:

I’ve developed this problem of losing things all the time. I have trouble finding my phone, my charger, my car keys, my house keys, my car, my house, my 10-inch long vibrating plastic sculpture of a very weirdly shaped building that my boss gave me as a present; pretty much everything I own has been lost at some point. Is there anything I can do to make sure I don’t lose anything anymore?”

 

Zabelle, this is an easy one. Like all problems in life, this one can easily be solved with surgery and magnets. Find a doctor to layer your body with magnets just underneath the skin, and then glue magnets to every object you own. All of your possessions will stick to your body, and you’ll never lose anything again. Honestly, this is such an obvious solution and you should feel really bad for not thinking of it yourself.

Now, everyone who works at Circus Killer News is filthy rich; we don’t know how expensive magnets are because we have our butlers go out and buy all our magnets for us. In case you can’t afford any magnets, here are a few other possibilities.

Hire a private detective to find your missing items for you. Private investigators are usually cheap, and their alcoholism makes them fun to be around. The downside of hiring a private detective, of course, is that everything around them becomes black-and-white, which is a huge negative for any fan of colors.

Another solution would be to train a dog that could retrieve any of your belongings at any time with a simple command. The only problem with the dog option is that you would have to have a dog near you, which nobody enjoys. This option also wouldn’t work if you ever lose the dog, or your voice.

The last solution we can think of would be to attain psychic powers that would allow you to know the location of all objects in the universe at any given time. You can strengthen your psychic abilities by eating kale, sleeping on a bed of crystals, or by consuming the uncooked brains of a psychic you murdered. This is your riskiest option however, since ascending to a higher state of consciousness might cause a detachment to the material world within your being, and you could find yourself no longer wanting any of your possessions anyway. So this wouldn’t solve your problem, so much as it would get rid of the problem altogether.

We hope this helps, Zabelle, but more importantly, we hope you haven’t lost whatever device you use to read Circus Killer News, because that will have made this whole article pointless.

 

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.