SPECIAL REPORT: Sleep

Not too long ago, Circus Killer News posted an article about dream interpretation. Shortly thereafter, we received numerous complaints from readers who did not find this article helpful because they don’t know how to experience dreams. Due to the volume of complaints, CKN has decided to do this week’s Special Report on sleep, since many of our readers seem to be unaware that dreams can only be experienced while you’re sleeping.

First, let’s explore the science of sleep. Sleep is a common phenomenon in the animal kingdom, although every animal has its own unique sleep patterns. Dolphins, for example, can only fall asleep after having an intense orgasm. Tortoises only sleep for a single five-minute period every century, and giraffes sleep while hanging upside-down from tree branches.

The reason why all living things sleep is because of aliens. All the aliens love our planet because it’s not too cold, not too soggy, and we have some pretty rad amusement parks. Because they’re too shy to be seen in public, the aliens had to devise a way of making all the animals on Earth lose consciousness for a short while, so they flew up into space and sought out Sausamzayas, a celestial being who can control people’s minds. In exchange for thirty-seven florpnaughts, the aliens obtained a machine from Sausamzayas that generates little granules of magical powder that they are able to teleport into your eyeballs every night, causing several hours of sleep. Over time, the human body gets used to the effects of the sleeping powder and begins to mimic those effects on its own by about age three.

Sleep has become an important part of staying alive and healthy. The human body actually heals faster when it’s asleep. This is because while you’re awake you use up a lot of your brainpower thinking about how worthless and insignificant you are, but when you’re asleep your brain can use all of its power to do useful things like fix your bones and tell your stomach acid to be quieter. People who don’t get a lot of sleep tend to be more irritable, better skateboarders, and less likely to have their belly lovingly rubbed by a stranger on a bus.

Sleep disorders are common among weirdoes and freaks, and can affect sleep in a variety of different ways. Two of the most common sleep disorders are insomnia, which is characterized by an inability to sleep indoors, and outsomnia, which is not being able to sleep unless you just watched someone play baseball poorly. There’s also sleep apenea, which is when nearby apes are compelled to break into your home and try to smother you in your sleep. Nobody knows what causes sleep apenea or what attracts the apes, so if you’re suffering from sleep apenea then make sure your home has been properly ape-proofed.

Normal people can have a difficult time sleeping as well. This can be the result of stress, but it can also be because of an agitation of one of your senses, such as a loud noise or having your earlobes flicked by an Angel of the Lord. There are many different methods for falling asleep quickly, including sleeping pills, sleeping potions, sleeping spells, and just trying harder. The best method for falling asleep, however, is counting sheep, so if you ever find yourself tossing and turning at night, just look out your window and count all the iPhone users you see until you pass out.

Sleep isn’t just the most entertaining way to pass the time. It’s also an essential part of being a human. Just keep in mind that there is an appropriate time and place for sleep. You never want to fall asleep while operating a vehicle or while typing a news article. If you do, you mightjdfzxlzcbvznnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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15 Best Excuses For Getting Out Of Jury Duty

Serving on a jury is an American obligation that nobody wants to do, just like paying taxes or chugging a can of beer while speeding in your Ford pick-up to your cozy coalmining job. Everyone searches for an excuse to get out of jury duty, but it can be difficult to tell what works and what doesn’t. Here’s a list of excuses that have been proven to work.

 

1. Give yourself Pink Eye.

2. If it’s a criminal court, confess to the crime. If they believe you you’ll be a defendant instead of a juror.

3. Use one of your three “get out of jury free” cards that every American gets wen they turn 18.

4. Don’t stop dancing during your entire summons and claim that you have a disease where if you stop dancing, your heart stops. You will be such an annoyance that they’ll have to dismiss you.

5. Conceal a large analog clock on your person. Security will hear the ticking, assume you have a bomb, and deny you entry into the courthouse.

6. Hire an actor to take your place.

7. Insist that they can’t handle the truth.

8. Try to get abducted the night before your summons.

9. Explain that judging others is against your religion.

10. Get a note from your doctor that says you have “Inflammatory Gaseous Syndrome,” and that your excessive flatulence would be an undeniable distraction to your fellow jurors.

11. Bribe the judge with unlimited breadsticks.

12. Wear the clothes and makeup of 17th century French nobility and continuously shout, “Off with his head!”

13. Enroll in a college and take only one course each semester. You’ll be able to get out of jury duty as a student for the next forty years.

14. Successfully convince everyone that you are a brain in a jar, and that you cannot make it to the courtroom without a body.

15. Have you ever heard of a billionaire serving on a jury? Me neither… so just be super rich.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.