KILLER ADVICE: Why Do I Keep Losing Things?

You’re reading Killer Advice, a weekly write-in advice column managed by the staff of Circus Killer News. This column exists because the CKN staff is committed to bettering the lives of its loyal readers, and because helping people in this fashion fulfills a court-ordered community service requirement.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Zabelle Dyson, who lives in Annioux, West Virginia. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News:

I’ve developed this problem of losing things all the time. I have trouble finding my phone, my charger, my car keys, my house keys, my car, my house, my 10-inch long vibrating plastic sculpture of a very weirdly shaped building that my boss gave me as a present; pretty much everything I own has been lost at some point. Is there anything I can do to make sure I don’t lose anything anymore?”

 

Zabelle, this is an easy one. Like all problems in life, this one can easily be solved with surgery and magnets. Find a doctor to layer your body with magnets just underneath the skin, and then glue magnets to every object you own. All of your possessions will stick to your body, and you’ll never lose anything again. Honestly, this is such an obvious solution and you should feel really bad for not thinking of it yourself.

Now, everyone who works at Circus Killer News is filthy rich; we don’t know how expensive magnets are because we have our butlers go out and buy all our magnets for us. In case you can’t afford any magnets, here are a few other possibilities.

Hire a private detective to find your missing items for you. Private investigators are usually cheap, and their alcoholism makes them fun to be around. The downside of hiring a private detective, of course, is that everything around them becomes black-and-white, which is a huge negative for any fan of colors.

Another solution would be to train a dog that could retrieve any of your belongings at any time with a simple command. The only problem with the dog option is that you would have to have a dog near you, which nobody enjoys. This option also wouldn’t work if you ever lose the dog, or your voice.

The last solution we can think of would be to attain psychic powers that would allow you to know the location of all objects in the universe at any given time. You can strengthen your psychic abilities by eating kale, sleeping on a bed of crystals, or by consuming the uncooked brains of a psychic you murdered. This is your riskiest option however, since ascending to a higher state of consciousness might cause a detachment to the material world within your being, and you could find yourself no longer wanting any of your possessions anyway. So this wouldn’t solve your problem, so much as it would get rid of the problem altogether.

We hope this helps, Zabelle, but more importantly, we hope you haven’t lost whatever device you use to read Circus Killer News, because that will have made this whole article pointless.

 

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Weight Loss

Americans are as obsessed with losing weight as they are with unintentionally gaining it. Each year, millions of Americans are killed because of weight loss regimens that are too extreme, too untested, or too volcanic. To investigate the dangers of losing weight, Circus Killer News persuaded Mica Raszbo, one of its most expendable reporters, to try out a few different methods of getting thin.

The first weight loss method that Mica tried out was dieting. He went on a “Green” diet in which he could only eat green foods, but Mica kept getting sick because he would just eat green Skittles. Mica then tried the “Fist Hunter” diet where he was only allowed to eat animals that he could both ride and kill with his bare hands. This proved to be an excellent means of losing weight for Mica because he ended up not eating anything for seven days. Lastly, Mica went on a diet called “Holes for Goals” where he was only permitted to eat foods with holes in them, such as bagels, Swiss cheese, and DVDs. This was the most nutritious diet by far.

There are a lot of different weight loss drugs on the market, but because there is no agency in the United States that regulates food and drugs, it’s impossible to know for certain which weight loss drugs are safe, and which ones are highly explosive. We mixed a bunch of different weight less pills into Mica’s lunch without his knowledge to see how his body would react. After about thirty minutes, he began vomiting on everything nearby. He also lost his vision, convulsed uncontrollably, and started speaking fluent Portuguese, which is a language that he didn’t know before. Also his right hand completely fell off, so he did technically loose about fifteen pounds.

As we accompanied Mica to a hospital to get his hand reattached, we inquired about surgical weight loss options. Since bones are the heaviest part of your body, the smartest surgical option would be a simple bone removal, where they take out some of the bones that you aren’t using. Another option is an organ reduction; we only use 10% of our brains, so slicing out that unused 90% will help you get rid of any excess brain-weight that you might be carrying with you. We went ahead and signed up Mica for both of the procedures while he was passed out.

This left only one more weight loss measure for Mica to test out: exercise. We gave Mica a gym membership so that he could start pumping iron, treading mills, and doing that thing Chuck Norris does in that commercial, but he never used his membership. Ever since he was brought home from the hospital, he’s done nothing but lay in bed as a drooling, motionless, unresponsive pool of human soup. That gym membership was pretty expensive, so Circus Killer News is now suing Mica for everything he has.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Sleep

Not too long ago, Circus Killer News posted an article about dream interpretation. Shortly thereafter, we received numerous complaints from readers who did not find this article helpful because they don’t know how to experience dreams. Due to the volume of complaints, CKN has decided to do this week’s Special Report on sleep, since many of our readers seem to be unaware that dreams can only be experienced while you’re sleeping.

First, let’s explore the science of sleep. Sleep is a common phenomenon in the animal kingdom, although every animal has its own unique sleep patterns. Dolphins, for example, can only fall asleep after having an intense orgasm. Tortoises only sleep for a single five-minute period every century, and giraffes sleep while hanging upside-down from tree branches.

The reason why all living things sleep is because of aliens. All the aliens love our planet because it’s not too cold, not too soggy, and we have some pretty rad amusement parks. Because they’re too shy to be seen in public, the aliens had to devise a way of making all the animals on Earth lose consciousness for a short while, so they flew up into space and sought out Sausamzayas, a celestial being who can control people’s minds. In exchange for thirty-seven florpnaughts, the aliens obtained a machine from Sausamzayas that generates little granules of magical powder that they are able to teleport into your eyeballs every night, causing several hours of sleep. Over time, the human body gets used to the effects of the sleeping powder and begins to mimic those effects on its own by about age three.

Sleep has become an important part of staying alive and healthy. The human body actually heals faster when it’s asleep. This is because while you’re awake you use up a lot of your brainpower thinking about how worthless and insignificant you are, but when you’re asleep your brain can use all of its power to do useful things like fix your bones and tell your stomach acid to be quieter. People who don’t get a lot of sleep tend to be more irritable, better skateboarders, and less likely to have their belly lovingly rubbed by a stranger on a bus.

Sleep disorders are common among weirdoes and freaks, and can affect sleep in a variety of different ways. Two of the most common sleep disorders are insomnia, which is characterized by an inability to sleep indoors, and outsomnia, which is not being able to sleep unless you just watched someone play baseball poorly. There’s also sleep apenea, which is when nearby apes are compelled to break into your home and try to smother you in your sleep. Nobody knows what causes sleep apenea or what attracts the apes, so if you’re suffering from sleep apenea then make sure your home has been properly ape-proofed.

Normal people can have a difficult time sleeping as well. This can be the result of stress, but it can also be because of an agitation of one of your senses, such as a loud noise or having your earlobes flicked by an Angel of the Lord. There are many different methods for falling asleep quickly, including sleeping pills, sleeping potions, sleeping spells, and just trying harder. The best method for falling asleep, however, is counting sheep, so if you ever find yourself tossing and turning at night, just look out your window and count all the iPhone users you see until you pass out.

Sleep isn’t just the most entertaining way to pass the time. It’s also an essential part of being a human. Just keep in mind that there is an appropriate time and place for sleep. You never want to fall asleep while operating a vehicle or while typing a news article. If you do, you mightjdfzxlzcbvznnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

15 Best Excuses For Getting Out Of Jury Duty

Serving on a jury is an American obligation that nobody wants to do, just like paying taxes or chugging a can of beer while speeding in your Ford pick-up to your cozy coalmining job. Everyone searches for an excuse to get out of jury duty, but it can be difficult to tell what works and what doesn’t. Here’s a list of excuses that have been proven to work.

 

1. Give yourself Pink Eye.

2. If it’s a criminal court, confess to the crime. If they believe you you’ll be a defendant instead of a juror.

3. Use one of your three “get out of jury free” cards that every American gets wen they turn 18.

4. Don’t stop dancing during your entire summons and claim that you have a disease where if you stop dancing, your heart stops. You will be such an annoyance that they’ll have to dismiss you.

5. Conceal a large analog clock on your person. Security will hear the ticking, assume you have a bomb, and deny you entry into the courthouse.

6. Hire an actor to take your place.

7. Insist that they can’t handle the truth.

8. Try to get abducted the night before your summons.

9. Explain that judging others is against your religion.

10. Get a note from your doctor that says you have “Inflammatory Gaseous Syndrome,” and that your excessive flatulence would be an undeniable distraction to your fellow jurors.

11. Bribe the judge with unlimited breadsticks.

12. Wear the clothes and makeup of 17th century French nobility and continuously shout, “Off with his head!”

13. Enroll in a college and take only one course each semester. You’ll be able to get out of jury duty as a student for the next forty years.

14. Successfully convince everyone that you are a brain in a jar, and that you cannot make it to the courtroom without a body.

15. Have you ever heard of a billionaire serving on a jury? Me neither… so just be super rich.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.