Serving on a jury is an American obligation that nobody wants to do, just like paying taxes or chugging a can of beer while speeding in your Ford pick-up to your cozy coalmining job. Everyone searches for an excuse to get out of jury duty, but it can be difficult to tell what works and what doesn’t. Here’s a list of excuses that have been proven to work.
1. Give yourself Pink Eye.
2. If it’s a criminal court, confess to the crime. If they believe you you’ll be a defendant instead of a juror.
3. Use one of your three “get out of jury free” cards that every American gets wen they turn 18.
4. Don’t stop dancing during your entire summons and claim that you have a disease where if you stop dancing, your heart stops. You will be such an annoyance that they’ll have to dismiss you.
5. Conceal a large analog clock on your person. Security will hear the ticking, assume you have a bomb, and deny you entry into the courthouse.
6. Hire an actor to take your place.
7. Insist that they can’t handle the truth.
8. Try to get abducted the night before your summons.
9. Explain that judging others is against your religion.
10. Get a note from your doctor that says you have “Inflammatory Gaseous Syndrome,” and that your excessive flatulence would be an undeniable distraction to your fellow jurors.
11. Bribe the judge with unlimited breadsticks.
12. Wear the clothes and makeup of 17th century French nobility and continuously shout, “Off with his head!”
13. Enroll in a college and take only one course each semester. You’ll be able to get out of jury duty as a student for the next forty years.
14. Successfully convince everyone that you are a brain in a jar, and that you cannot make it to the courtroom without a body.
15. Have you ever heard of a billionaire serving on a jury? Me neither… so just be super rich.
Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews
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