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Galactic Presidential Candidate Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 Running on Campaign of Intolerance, Bigotry

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Galactic President hopeful Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 has made the oppression of Humans the focus of his campaign, saying that if elected he would close down Earth’s borders for good.

“Earth has been sending over its people for 50 years now,” said Xzzjylxxy-13 during a rally last Flermsday. “If we don’t do something about it now, the Sol System will be overrun with Humans that want nothing more than to take our jobs.”

Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed building a giant space wall around Earth to keep the Humans out, for which he claims he can make Earth fund on its own.

“I’ve met some Humans,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13, “they’re not good people. Some of them are okay, but for the most part Humans are rapists and murderers and terrorists. And I watch the news, I’ve seen the ‘astronauts’ they’re sending over here. They’re not sending over their best people.”

While many see this campaign as the bigotry of a demagogue, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has managed to gain a considerably large following in the short time since announcing his candidacy.

“Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 is preying on the fears of the galactic people,” said political pundit Jackomeyer Zguiche. “Many have accused him of being a racist. This is not true. He knows that many people in the Galaxy are racist, however, and he uses that to swing the numbers in his favor.”

Whether or not he believes it himself, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed that Humans intend to bring their Earthborn conflicts with them if they are allowed admittance into the rest of the Galaxy.

“Most of the Humans being sent here are grown men,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13. “Where are the women and children? If it’s really so bad over there, why aren’t the men staying over there and fighting?”

Many believe that if elected, Xzzjlyxxy-13 might even try to attack Earth once he realizes that building a planetary wall is impossible.

“We have the ability to bomb them from here,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13 in what some view as a threat. “I’m not saying we should do it, I’m just saying we could and we’d be better for it.”

It’s too early to tell how far Xzzjlyxxy-13 will go this election or even if he’ll win the primary, but regardless, this is shaping up to be one of the most exciting elections in the last 6,744,028,990 years.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

New Evidence Suggests Jesus Not Legal US Citizen

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Dr. Dales Harkin, a professor of Jesus studies at Christian American University of Christ, announced today that the famed Son of God might not actually be a legal United States citizen. Dr. Harkin suggests that because the US had not yet formed at the time that Christ was alive, it is unlikely that any American presence existed in the Middle East during Jesus’ lifetime, so He could not have applied for a citizenship.

“We as Christians like to think that Jesus celebrated the American way of life,” said Dr. Harkin, “but the perfect lifestyle that we all know and love here in America probably did not exist in Jesus’ day.”

Many Christians suggest that Jesus might have simply used his powers to time travel to the United States and acquired a citizenship then, however Dr. Harkin argues against this theory.

“If the Savior teleported here,” he said, “then He traveled to this country illegally. If He was born here and then went back in time, He couldn’t have been the Savior since biblical prophecy clearly states that the Savior has to be born in Bethlehem. Any way you slice it, He couldn’t have possibly been a legal citizen.”

Dr. Harkin’s declaration has been met with outrage across the country. Many Americans know they should be intolerant of foreigners, especially foreigners from the Middle East.

“We don’t know how to deal with this paradox right now,” said Dr. Harkin, “nor do we understand how Jesus came to be the only white person in the Middle East at that time. All we can do is pray and hope that God will send the next one to Bethlehem, PA.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Cancun Sinkhole Kills Hundreds of Future Congressmen

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Thousands of college students saw disaster during their spring break when a massive sinkhole opened up in Cancun, swallowing and killing a shocking number of intoxicated business and political science majors.

“I just can’t believe it happened, dude,” said survivor Joey Simmons, a senior at Harvard Business School. “I wasn’t there when it happened ‘cause I was makin’ out with some chick from Ithaca who was Portuguese or Filipino or one of those South America countries, but you could hear it happen. I remember she was like ‘did you hear that?’ and I was like ‘I didn’t say you could talk’ and we kept makin’ out.”

It’s still too early to tell, but some geologists claim that the area became unsettled when thousands of gallons of spilled alcohol mixed with birth control pills, creatine and reproductive fluids that had gathered underground from previous spring breaks. The resulting chemical concoction was a new, unidentified acid that literally dissolved the rocks, dirt and skeletons of forgotten tourists upon which the resort town rested.

“It’s the sort of thing that you see on the news and you’re like ‘OMG I feel so sorry for those people,’” said survivor Amanda Berringer. “But like now, we’re those people. It’s blowing my mind… this isn’t the sort of thing that’s supposed to happen in America.”

The surviving spring break-ers are now attempting to fill in the crater that was Cancun to make a giant nude-only swimming pool to try and salvage what’s left of their week-long party.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

15 Things to Expect in 2015

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2014 was an excellent year for news, and we’re predicting that 2015 will be even greater. Using ultra-advanced algorithmic software and a team of highly educated news geniuses, Circus Killer generated this list of what we believe will be the biggest newsworthy events in 2015.

 

1. Flying cars.

2. Congressional gridlock that will somehow be Obama’s fault.

3. Another former high school colleague getting engaged.

4. A new health crazy will take the nation’s moms by storm.

5. Geico to introduce seven more mascots.

6. More cyber terrorist attacks by groups whose names no one will remember.

7. Eyeball piercings to increase in popularity.

8. A new app will emerge that you won’t believe you’ve survived for so long without having.

9. Nation’s sports teams will set aside their differences and put an end to their senseless squabbling.

10. Netflix to continue trying to break record for worst available titles.

11. Another Star Wars movie.

12. A plethora of contrived complaints about the new Star Wars movie.

13. Nation’s dads will attempt to perfect multitasking by groaning and scratching selves simultaneously.

14. The glorious return of Zarodax the Dark One.

15. Circus Killer’s assimilation into the mainstream media and acceptance as a household brand.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Worldwide Soda Shortage Reaches Third Week

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The planet has been in an international soda recession since the start of December, and there seems to be no sign of a turn around. Researchers studying the world’s soda deposits say that humans are using up the substance at a rate that production can’t keep up with.

There is still some speculation in the scientific community as to whether or not “peak soda” has been reached. This term was originally coined in 1956 during another soda shortage, and it refers to the point at which the rate of consumption exceeds the rate of distribution – it is the point when the Earth’s soda deposits begin to dry up permanently.

Despite Coca-Cola and Pepsi Cola’s assurances that we have not reached the point of “peak soda,” pop refineries across the world have been shutting down almost daily. Neither company has released a statement on how greatly the shortage is affecting their respective businesses, but everyone across the world has noticed the price of soda skyrocketing in recent years. In some locations of the country, 16 ounces of pop can cost upwards of $2.50, compared to the mere 5¢ of the early 1950s.

The crisis was magnified last week when a Coca-cola ship crashed and breached, spilling hundreds of thousands of gallons of crude soda into the Gulf of Mexico. Marine biologists are still calculating the damage that this disaster has had on nearby oceanic life, but much of this damage can already be seen. Many fish and crustaceans have been spotted breaking out into zits while a large number of sharks appear to be developing cavities at an alarming rate.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Pope to Lose Housing Privileges over Marijuana Possession

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Pope Francis was escorted from his home in the Domus Sanctae Marthae guesthouse late last night when Vatican police discovered marijuana under the papal bed. Police were tipped off by a variety of cardinals staying in the same building, who complained of strange odors coming from His Holiness’s room. Pope Francis denies having ever used the substance, claiming to have just been holding it for a friend.

“I don’t get what the big deal is,” said the Holy Father shortly after the ordeal. “Everyone else does it and it’s not even bad for you.”

This is the second strike for Pope Francis, who was denied access to the Apostolic Palace in 2013 after repeated noise violations during quiet hours.

“A board is being put together to decide what will happen to His Holiness,” said a spokesman for the Gendarmerie Corps of Vatican City. “We don’t know what his punishment will be, but one more offense and he may be suspended from the Vatican altogether.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories posted here should be taken seriously or literally.