Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future, every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet. Here are this week’s stories:
1. December 15th, 2662 – Solar Fracking May Cause Instability Within Sun, New Study Suggests
The Solar Protective Energy Committee of Terra Relations released a report on Tuesday that suggests solar fracking might be dangerous to the sun. Solar fracking became prominent when it was clear that the sun was not putting out enough energy to keep up with human consumption ever since “solar power” became the most widely used method of acquiring energy once fossil fuels ran out centuries ago. Solar fracking is the process by which chemicals are drilled into the sun’s core to increase the rate of nuclear fusion, thereby producing more sunlight. According to the report, solar fracking could potentially create worse solar storms and deadly amounts of radiation, but that sounds like a problem for the future, so whatever.
2. February 4th, 2104 – Baseball Seasons Now to Last 55 Weeks
MLB president James L. Haywood announced today that every season of baseball would be extended by four weeks, bringing the total number of weeks up to 55. Haywood said each new season of baseball would begin approximately three weeks before the previous season ends, so there will be a short overlap between the end of the previous season and the start of a new one. This is of course how the seasons will be from now on without playoffs. The playoff season will continue to last three years like it does currently.
3. August 17th, 59,971 – Racial Unrest Persists in America
Racial unrest continues to ravage the United States, despite it now being nearly 60,000 years since slavery was abolished. Occupational analysts have noticed a sharp uptick in professional rioters in the last few years, most likely due to the recent acceptance of Fandallarians as a race capable of acquiring a US citizenship. Many professional rioters and peaceful protestors alike have been in the business for generations, so the protesting industry has been as much a part of American heritage as tobacco pie (which of course replaced apple pie when apples went extinct some 40,000 years ago).
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Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.