12 Ways To Enjoy Valentine’s Day While Single

Valentine’s Day is a great way for taken women to feel cherished and for taken men to feel poor. For the single word, however, Valentine’s Day can be an abysmal reminder that loneliness is the only true constant in the universe. Here are some tips you can use to stave those terrible thoughts away this Tuesday.

 

1. Tell people you’re refusing to celebrate this year because we shouldn’t take any focus off of Black History Month.

2. Spend the day with another single friend and see if your outbursts of bipolar depression sync up.

3. Eat enough chocolate to put yourself in a coma for the whole day.

4. Put some thought into that yearly Facebook post where you slam Valentine’s Day for being a made-up holiday used by Big Chocolate to increase their first quarter profits.

5. Masturbate.

6. Perform chores and errands that most people wouldn’t do on Valentine’s Day, such as doing your taxes, organizing your garage, writing your manifesto, etc.

7. Avoid Jen’s desk.

8. Visit a bar to prove to yourself that other people are just as alone and dysfunctional as you.

9. Tell yourself that you’re going to start working out so that you don’t wind up in the same situation next Valentine’s Day, and then assure yourself that this week isn’t a good time to start.

10. In the days before February 14th, place electrodes around your body that shock you each time you think of an ex. By the time Valentine’s Day arrives you’ll either be cured of your lingering feelings or go on a homicidal rampage.

11. Work on your erotic science fiction novella.

12. Go back in time and kill St. Valentine before he gets all those snakes out of Mary’s uterus or whatever it is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Trump’s Immigration Policy Could Keep Santa Out Of US in 2017

President-elect Donald Trump took heat today when it was announced that, if enacted, his immigration policies would forbid Santa Claus from visiting the United States and delivering presents next Christmas.

“America first means North Pole second,” said Trump to a picture of himself this morning and then later to a group of reporters clustered outside of Trump Tower. “All our jobs are leaving this country, if you look at what’s happening, they’re going to China, they’re going to Mexico, they’re going to the North Pole. Obama has been sending these jobs away and they’re not coming back, folks. I’m going to bring them back.”

This statement has sparked outrage with parents across the country who rely on Father Christmas to provide the plastic, electronic shit that children need as a substitute to actual parenting.

“I don’t have time to go shopping for Christmas presents,” says Wanda Kirkmand, a single mother of three, “and I can barely scrape up enough money each year, too. Without help from Santa Claus I can’t guarantee my son will get the new desktop computer he demands every year.”

Santa Claus will be kept out of the United States with a ceiling Trump hopes to build over US airspace. The ceiling will attach to the top of the prospective US-Mexico border wall and then just slope down over the rest of the country.

“[Santa Claus] enters this country illegally every year,” continued Trump, “and we have to put an end to it. We’re gonna be winning the war on Christmas, believe me.”

When asked to comment on the matter, Saint Nick himself laughed off the scandal.

“I haven’t been to the United States in years,” said Mr. Claus. “There hasn’t been a nice child in America since the invention of color television.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips for Trick-or-Treat Safety

Trick-or-treating is been a favorite Halloween tradition among youngsters ever since the 13th century B.C.E. Unfortunately, however, it has become one of the most dangerous activities for children ever since the white man invaded sacred ground, so follow these 13 tips for a safe night of looting your neighbor’s homes for sugar and the worst thing you’ll get this year is a bellyache!

 

1. Dress up as a giant ball of light so you can be seen by oncoming traffic.

2. Make sure everyone in your company is trick-or-treating with police dogs that can sniff out any tampered candy.

3. It’s a little-known fact that clowns are terrified of sawdust, so in the wake of recent “killer clown” sightings across the country it’s a good idea to cover yourself in sacks of sawdust.

4. Litter your neighborhood with landmines so if you ever get chased by a maniac you can lead them to their unwitting demise.

5. Wear a thick, heavy raincoat. Climate Change could strike at any moment.

6. Millions of American children die in accidents every year because they text while trick-or-treating. Don’t be one of them.

7. Get all your trick-or-treating done before sundown. You’ll get the best candy, be much safer and give your classmates something to laugh about.

8. On Halloween you’re just as susceptible to germs as ever, so dress up as a bar of soap.

9. If you’re an adult concerned about the safety of neighborhood children, pick a young trick-or-treater and follow him or her around in your car all night.

10. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Clinton supporters, you’re liable to get healthy treats.

11. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Trump supporters, you’re liable to get shot.

12. Just buy candy.

13. Murder clowns and serial killers are out there, be always stay vigilant for the real killer of Halloween – diabetes.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Boston Declares State of Emergency as City Runs out of Booze on St. Patrick’s Day

The city of Boston ran out of alcohol just hours ago on St. Patrick’s Day morning leaving tens of thousands of celebrators furious and sober. Riots have broken out all across the city as Bostonians raid stores and homes in search of alcohol, pots of gold and resolution with their distant fathers.

“In truth the violence isn’t the real problem,” said mayor Dalton Dunley. “We usually see this sort of violence every year and in fact the number of deaths and injuries are usually way higher at this point due to alcohol poisoning. My main concern right now is that those numbers will drastically increase later in the day because of withdrawal. That’s why we’re in a state of emergency.”

President Obama has reportedly ordered FEMA to fly in hundreds of gallons of booze into the city but early estimates don’t think this will be enough.

“We wanna get trucks bringin’ it in,” said Mayor Dunley, “but most of the roads are still closed from all the snow. We tried boats, too, but that whole system’s down for now.”

Ordinarily the immense amount of alcohol that is consumed on St. Patrick’s Day is brought into Boston Harbor via cargo ships, however a group of drunk Bostonians snuck onto a few of these ships early this morning and dumped a lot of the booze into the harbor as an act of protest. Most of them were caught and jailed.

“Yeah we were protesting,” said Dennis McLeary, one of the harbor dumpers. “Joe was protesting that I couldn’t lift a whole barrel of booze, and I was protesting that I could. So we all snuck on and I totally did.”

“Dennis and his friends will be prosecuted when this crisis is over,” said Mayor Dunley. “Until then we will do everything to bring alcohol to the fine people of this city, even if it kills them.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Six Dead in Sam’s Club Chocolate Avalanche

Tragedy struck Haverford, Pennsylvania, when the chocolate isle of a Sam’s Club collapsed last Friday, trapping over a dozen customers who were shopping for Valentine’s Day.

The collapse occurred Friday afternoon, mostly trapping married men who waited to the last minute to pick up something for Valentine’s Day. Rescue efforts extended late into the night because most of the chocolate had become unboxed and unwrapped during the avalanche and needed to be tediously rewrapped and repackaged once removed from the pile.

Eleven people of the seventeen who were caught in the avalanche survived by eating their way out.

“It was the most horrifying experience of my life,” said Daniel Oldhardt, one of the survivors. “And then I remembered what I used to tell myself in middle school – just keep eating and everything will be alright.”

Evidence suggests that half of the deceased also tried to eat their way out but stopped themselves so as not to spoil their dinner. The other half appear to have felt it was safer not to because they were diabetic.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 14 Worst People of 2014

Many interesting things happened in 2014.  Among them, strangely enough, was a record-high number of terrible people and crappy behavior.  Here is a list of the 14 worst people across the continental United States in the last year:

 

1. Michael Dunlow, a media consultant in New York, who deliberately held the “close doors” button on an elevator as a pregnant coworker approached.

2. Luke Browning, a teenager in Mildred, Vermont, who promised his parents he’d check in while out with his friends but never did.

3. Melissa Perkins who brings all three of her toddlers out to dinner five nights out of the week.

4. Gary L. Araz who is evidently incapable of understanding how to put a toilet seat down.

5. Dana Greene of Garrettsburg, Virginia, who spends more time composing and publishing political messages on Facebook than she does applying to jobs.

6. Sarah Charters of Benford, Illinois, who was spotted doing 40 miles an hour in a 65 zone.

7. Mason Mitchell of the same town, spotted doing 90 in the same zone.

8. K. F. McCormick who refuses to use his first name like a normal person.

9. Marianne Park, a Los Angeles cleaning lady who only moves objects that she’s been explicitly instructed not to touch.

10. Dante Anderson of Redenboro, New Jersey, for bringing up his tattoos an average of 16.8 times per conversation.

11. Mark Baker, a 14-year-old YouTube commenter.

12. Kevin Chen who doesn’t pick up after his dog during walks.

13. Brenda Freeman, a McDonald’s cashier in Curtsdale, Florida, who talks to her coworkers while taking people’s orders.

14. John Mulaney.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Jesus Saddened by Lack of Attendance at Birthday Party

Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of all mankind, found Himself in a state of melancholy today when none of His friends showed up for his birthday party this Christmas morning.  The Son of God invited all 2,316,077,413 Christians to the kingdom of Heaven for his birthday bash, but none made the decision to leave Earth.

The Lord Christ reportedly gave the Christian populace an ample 2,000 years to make time for his party but few actually sent in an RSVP.  Many Christians instead selfishly spent this day with their families.

Additionally, Jesus witnessed the majority of Earth’s Christians using their time today to visit church.  Christ found Himself insulted by this since a large percentage of those Christians haven’t attended church any other day this year.

Christ was forced to spend His birthday with friends of His that He’s seen every day since the beginning of eternity.  Among them are Moses who it’s impossible to order food for, Ronald Reagan whose failsafe conversation topic is bodybuilding which Christ finds super annoying, and Grilligop Zorgak of the Malitraxis System whose Fardopsis feelers are just too difficult to look at on some days.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.