Area Man Severs Own Arm to Escape Carolers

Connecticut native Sherman Wabash was admitted into an emergency room late last night after having his arm severed. Wabash gained consciousness this morning to report that he had maimed himself in an effort to elude some Christmas carolers that had been harassing him.

According to Wabash, the carolers gathered on the distraught man’s front lawn yesterday evening and began inundating his home with festive music. Fueled by frustration, eggnog and the stress of a particularly difficult Monday, Wabash made the decision to open his front door and yell at the carolers. As he crossed his house, however, Wabash tripped and fell on the ground, knocking a bookcase over in the process. The bookcase crushed his arm, pinning him to the ground.

Wabash yelled at the carolers for help but none could hear him over the yuletide cheer. Everyone knows, of course, that according to caroler dogma, once gathering on a lawn and beginning to sing, no caroler can cease singing under penalty of death. Wabash was therefore forced to listen to the music for “what felt like days,” according to the now crippled corporate consultant.

After 127 minutes, Wabash made the decision to use a quarter to saw through his upper arm so he could stand and chase the carolers off of his property. He performed the gruesome task and stumbled out of his front door only to pass out in a nearby snow bank. Fortunately the cold preserved his injury and surgeons were able to attach a cup holder in its place.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Dry Humping Under Mistletoe Becomes Newest Teen Fad

Teens across America have been taking the Christmas mistletoe tradition and making it their own with a new “mistletwerk” craze that has recently exploded on social media. Teenagers have been planning and attending house parties decorated with the plant so they can meet under it and grind each other’s pelvises together.

The fad started after a picture of the act went viral on Twitter last Friday night. The image is too graphic to show on legitimate news sites like this one, but it depicts a “twerking” session between a teenage male and female as the male holds mistletoe above the female’s head. The text accompanying the tweet reads “hos goin crazy for dat #mistletwerk.” Since then, #mistletwerk has been trending on Twitter alongside a series of similar images.

In response to the sudden uptick of mistletoe demand in the teen market, marijuana advocates who grow and sell cannabis illegally have begun cultivating the holiday plant to make some extra money for the holidays.

This illegally grown mistletoe is being traded and distributed nationwide throughout the teen community without being regulated, which authorities say is dangerous and irresponsible since much of it is being cut with lesser festive plants such as laurels and evergreen.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Reasons to Hate Christmas

Last week we looked at some reasons why we should all enjoy the Christmas season, but in the last seven days Circus Killer feels as though Christmas has turned on us. Here some reasons to hate the season:

 

1. Lying to young children is mandatory.

2. Getting guilted into attending church.

3. All shopping malls are converted into refugee camps.

4. Last three paychecks all go to purchasing gift cards.

5. Not knowing what greeting to use for ethnically confusing coworkers.

6. Niceness.

7. Ogling at decorations is a leading cause of suburban car accidents.

8. Awkward annual phone call with relative whose name you don’t quite remember.

9. Disney’s massive erection.

10. Candy canes are a heartless jape at the geriatric.

11. Incessant playing of hackneyed jingles that were used by the CIA to torture suspected terrorists.

12. Lasts 30 days.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

CDC Worried About Spread of Holiday Cheer

The CDC announced during a press conference today that holiday cheer is spreading at an alarming rate. CDC workers are concerned that they may not be able to contain the spread of seasonal merriment until the end of the year.

“This is a serious situation that has the CDC’s full attention,” said CDC spokeswoman Farah Landy. “We are putting as much effort as we can into stopping this thing from spreading further.”

The first case of holiday cheer to appear in the US was recorded on October 12th when a Rite Aid outside of Milwaukee began selling Christmas decorations. The number of cases across the country steadily increased before exploding shortly after Thanksgiving.

In an effort to reduce the spread of the outbreak, the CDC has set up multiple de-jubilation zones in the 37 most heavily infected areas of the country. Patients admitted into these zones must complete a series of boring tasks before being officially cleared of all merriment. These tasks include filling out fake tax forms, reading all of the terms and conditions for an iTunes update, and actually going to church.

Additionally, homes and properties covered in Christmas decorations have been quarantined and are undergoing a cleansing process. Early reports, however, show that the holiday cheer is spreading at a rate that the CDC can’t keep up with.

The CDC is also urging people not to travel until the outbreak is under control. “It is imperative that you remain in your home and only leave when absolutely necessary,” Landy continued. “Anyone seen outside of their home promoting peace on Earth and goodwill towards all will be considered a threat to the public.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Reasons to Love Christmas

With Christmas around the corner, millions of people are finding themselves in the holiday spirit.  Not everyone drinks from the same eggnog, however, so here’s a few things to enjoy about Christmas for those of you Grinches out there:

 

1. Provides thousands of jobs for unemployed overweight people.

2. Get to listen to your charitable family members talking about the 20 minutes they spent helping out at a soup kitchen that one time.

3. All of the lights and decorations allow you to identify which of your neighbors are tools.

4. Provides a quantifiable means of showing someone how you feel about them.

5. Coca-cola commercials.

6. It teaches children that there are benefits for letting strangers into their home.

7. Perfect for people who enjoy having unconventionally large plants in their home.

8. A Christmas Story marathon on TBS.

9. It’s the only time of year that the real Santa Claus can walk among mortals.

10. Brings good cheer to all (whose credit cards aren’t declined).

11. Provides an opportunity to feel up drunken coworkers at the annual Christmas office party.

12. It’s another fun way to isolate the Jews.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Wife Officially Closes Down Kitchen Borders

Tensions reached an all-time high for the Malcolm family this morning when family matriarch Wendy Malcolm closed down all passageways in and out of the kitchen. The move stunned the rest of the Malcolm family, who feel that the unprovoked declaration was unjust and is a step in the wrong direction.

Peace in the Malcolm family seemed reachable earlier this week when everyone gathered to celebrate Thanksgiving, but things began falling apart after passive-aggressive arguments over who would go shopping and small altercations between family members of differing political ideologies. Now, many of the Malcolm’s have lost their faith in a dream of a stress-free Thanksgiving.

“It was preemptive and uncalled for,” said Wendy’s brother-in-law Tobias Malcolm. “I get that it’s her house and I respect that, but she’s going about this the wrong way.”

Wendy soon retracted her declaration and released a revised statement that only women were allowed in the kitchen. This further angered the men of the house who now must operate through their wives, mothers and daughters for access to beer. This, according to Tobias and his fellow men, completely defeats the point of daytime drinking.

Within the last hour, Wendy tacked on a clause stating that men were allowed in the kitchen so long as they promised to help out with the cooking in some fashion. The outrage from the men has since died down.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Idiot Nephew Admits Fondness of Second Star Wars Trilogy

Eight-year-old Martin Browning reportedly told family members that he actually enjoyed the second Star Wars trilogy after arriving at his aunt and uncle’s house for Thanksgiving yesterday night. The news shocked hosts Lindsey and Paul Lefkowitz who have concluded that their nephew must be a simpleton.

“I can’t believe my own sister would raise her child so misguidedly,” said Lindsey. “The problem has to be with Martin. I remember he’s never been too bright.”

Lindsey was particularly concerned knowing that Martin would be spending a lot of time with her four-year-old son Daniel.

“I won’t have my son playing with him,” Lindsey continued, “until that boy understands the error of his ways and turns from them.”

Paul, meanwhile, blames Martin’s parents for raising him in the wrong environment. “The school they send Martin to doesn’t even teach about the Force,” said Paul. “It’s no wonder the kid’s been led astray.”

Lindsey and Paul have promised each other not to bring it up to Martin or his parents directly, feeling that it’s not their place to say. Instead, the two will meditate on it and hope that Martin finds his path on his own.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Family Just Now Learning Son’s Girlfriend of 3 Months is Black

The Falkes family of Stone Brook, Indiana, was shocked to discover that son Jason Falkes’ girlfriend is an African American.  The family found out when Jason brought his girlfriend Elana home last night for Thanksgiving.

The family was quick to accept Jason’s girlfriend, only expressing behind closed doors how strange they thought it was for Jason to have never mentioned Elana’s race.  “I’m not saying I have an issue with it,” said Robert Falkes, Jason’s father.  “I just don’t understand why he’s never brought this up before. It’s something I would’ve liked to know.”

Jason and Elana made it home in time for the Falkes family’s weekly “Monday Movie Night,” which was uncomfortable for everyone since the movie they had scheduled was Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.

“I guess I shouldn’t be thinking so much of it,” said Hannah Falkes, Jason’s mother.  “I know we raised Jason not to see color, it’s just not what I was picturing.”

This morning Hannah emailed all who would be joining the Falkes family for Thanksgiving about Elana so that everyone else could have fair warning.  Hannah’s brother Mitch, however, is unreachable since he doesn’t know how to operate a computer, and Mitch is the relative who Hannah is most worried about.  Mitch often spends Thanksgiving complaining about immigrants, President Obama and how it’s unfair that “those people get a whole Friday to themselves.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Relatives Warded Off by News of “Dry Thanksgiving”

Over half a dozen relatives from the Elkins family changed their Thanksgiving plans when Loraine Elkins, host of this year’s Thanksgiving dinner, announced in a mass email last Friday that there would be no alcohol allowed during the holiday.  The news came as a shock to the rest of the Elkins family since drinking has been described as the family’s pastime.

Donald Elkins, Loraine’s brother-in-law, was upset by the new mandate.  “I don’t know who she thinks she is,” said Donald, “but everyone agrees with me that it’s unacceptable.  Samuel Adams himself used beer to help the Pilgrims bond with the Indians, that’s a fact.  She’s declared a war on Thanksgiving.”

Other family members remain confused about the email, including Loraine’s own husband Rick Elkins.  “I don’t get what’s such a big deal about alcohol,” Rick told us, slurring his words and waving around a pitcher of Jack Daniels at 9:45 in the morning.  “It’s a disgrace to Thanksgiving, it’s a disgrace to America, and also I can’t get it up anymore.”

Also offended was Loraine’s father-in-law, Jed Elkins, who received the email in his hospital room where he was being treated for cirrhosis of the liver.  “This is how it starts,” said Elkins.  “First they take away your booze, then they take away your sports, and before you know it she’s taking your kids.  If ever there was a time to flee, it’s now.”

Loraine Elkins has yet to follow up on her original email, but it seems likely that she will be spending this Thanksgiving alone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Travel Tips for the Holiday

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is the busiest travel day of the year.  Before you head across the country to spend time with the relatives you never see, take a look at these travel tips to help you get to your destination quickly and safely.

 

Leave about an hour before you think you have to.  This way you’ll only be three hours late.

Surgically enlarge your bladder before departing.

Rest stops will constantly be packed so make sure you bring enough food for the trip, or enough munitions to loot fellow commuters mid transit.

Plan on having your Thanksgiving via Skype if traffic gets too bad.

If you’re flying, purchase three or four backup tickets on other flights for when something goes wrong with the first one.

Make sure to bring fully charged electronic entertainment with you so that if you’re travelling with family you can completely ignore each other easily.

Before leaving, passive-aggressively bring up how weird it is that your family never hosts Thanksgiving at your house.

Try taking out a bank loan to pay for gas.

Keep in mind that complaining about poor drivers will turn them into better drivers.

If you’re planning on going through Buffalo, don’t.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.