The 14 Worst People of 2014

Many interesting things happened in 2014.  Among them, strangely enough, was a record-high number of terrible people and crappy behavior.  Here is a list of the 14 worst people across the continental United States in the last year:

 

1. Michael Dunlow, a media consultant in New York, who deliberately held the “close doors” button on an elevator as a pregnant coworker approached.

2. Luke Browning, a teenager in Mildred, Vermont, who promised his parents he’d check in while out with his friends but never did.

3. Melissa Perkins who brings all three of her toddlers out to dinner five nights out of the week.

4. Gary L. Araz who is evidently incapable of understanding how to put a toilet seat down.

5. Dana Greene of Garrettsburg, Virginia, who spends more time composing and publishing political messages on Facebook than she does applying to jobs.

6. Sarah Charters of Benford, Illinois, who was spotted doing 40 miles an hour in a 65 zone.

7. Mason Mitchell of the same town, spotted doing 90 in the same zone.

8. K. F. McCormick who refuses to use his first name like a normal person.

9. Marianne Park, a Los Angeles cleaning lady who only moves objects that she’s been explicitly instructed not to touch.

10. Dante Anderson of Redenboro, New Jersey, for bringing up his tattoos an average of 16.8 times per conversation.

11. Mark Baker, a 14-year-old YouTube commenter.

12. Kevin Chen who doesn’t pick up after his dog during walks.

13. Brenda Freeman, a McDonald’s cashier in Curtsdale, Florida, who talks to her coworkers while taking people’s orders.

14. John Mulaney.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Jesus Saddened by Lack of Attendance at Birthday Party

Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of all mankind, found Himself in a state of melancholy today when none of His friends showed up for his birthday party this Christmas morning.  The Son of God invited all 2,316,077,413 Christians to the kingdom of Heaven for his birthday bash, but none made the decision to leave Earth.

The Lord Christ reportedly gave the Christian populace an ample 2,000 years to make time for his party but few actually sent in an RSVP.  Many Christians instead selfishly spent this day with their families.

Additionally, Jesus witnessed the majority of Earth’s Christians using their time today to visit church.  Christ found Himself insulted by this since a large percentage of those Christians haven’t attended church any other day this year.

Christ was forced to spend His birthday with friends of His that He’s seen every day since the beginning of eternity.  Among them are Moses who it’s impossible to order food for, Ronald Reagan whose failsafe conversation topic is bodybuilding which Christ finds super annoying, and Grilligop Zorgak of the Malitraxis System whose Fardopsis feelers are just too difficult to look at on some days.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Completely Forgot About Christmas Until Just Today

Alan Winter of Santa Carlo, California, is currently having the most comically stressful day of his life as he rushes to ready his home for Christmas. Reportedly, Alan completely forgot about the holiday until just today.

Alan works for an important and generic corporation and is up for a promotion for his dream job, but this means putting in some extra time at the office and neglecting his personal life. It was for this reason that Alan’s longtime girlfriend Mary moved out last month.

Alan missed a phone call from Mary last week because he was preoccupied doing important business things. He remembered to check his voicemail this morning and found that Mary had left a message saying that if Alan were to get his life together by the time she and her family were to visit Alan’s home on Christmas Eve, there was a chance that they could stay together. It was at this moment that Alan realized he had completely forgotten about the holiday.

Alan has been spending the day driving around Santa Carlo looking for Christmas things while trying to conduct his business stuff over the phone. Alan has been stuck with purchasing the crappiest tree, the worst presents, the worst food for Christmas dinner, as well as an assortment of other cliché Christmas catastrophes.

As the day goes on, it is growing increasingly clear to Alan that by the end of the day he will have to make a decision between his loved ones and his career. Can Alan learn the true meaning of Christmas in time for the holiday? Find out when “I Forgot Christmas” hits theaters.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Severs Own Arm to Escape Carolers

Connecticut native Sherman Wabash was admitted into an emergency room late last night after having his arm severed. Wabash gained consciousness this morning to report that he had maimed himself in an effort to elude some Christmas carolers that had been harassing him.

According to Wabash, the carolers gathered on the distraught man’s front lawn yesterday evening and began inundating his home with festive music. Fueled by frustration, eggnog and the stress of a particularly difficult Monday, Wabash made the decision to open his front door and yell at the carolers. As he crossed his house, however, Wabash tripped and fell on the ground, knocking a bookcase over in the process. The bookcase crushed his arm, pinning him to the ground.

Wabash yelled at the carolers for help but none could hear him over the yuletide cheer. Everyone knows, of course, that according to caroler dogma, once gathering on a lawn and beginning to sing, no caroler can cease singing under penalty of death. Wabash was therefore forced to listen to the music for “what felt like days,” according to the now crippled corporate consultant.

After 127 minutes, Wabash made the decision to use a quarter to saw through his upper arm so he could stand and chase the carolers off of his property. He performed the gruesome task and stumbled out of his front door only to pass out in a nearby snow bank. Fortunately the cold preserved his injury and surgeons were able to attach a cup holder in its place.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Dry Humping Under Mistletoe Becomes Newest Teen Fad

Teens across America have been taking the Christmas mistletoe tradition and making it their own with a new “mistletwerk” craze that has recently exploded on social media. Teenagers have been planning and attending house parties decorated with the plant so they can meet under it and grind each other’s pelvises together.

The fad started after a picture of the act went viral on Twitter last Friday night. The image is too graphic to show on legitimate news sites like this one, but it depicts a “twerking” session between a teenage male and female as the male holds mistletoe above the female’s head. The text accompanying the tweet reads “hos goin crazy for dat #mistletwerk.” Since then, #mistletwerk has been trending on Twitter alongside a series of similar images.

In response to the sudden uptick of mistletoe demand in the teen market, marijuana advocates who grow and sell cannabis illegally have begun cultivating the holiday plant to make some extra money for the holidays.

This illegally grown mistletoe is being traded and distributed nationwide throughout the teen community without being regulated, which authorities say is dangerous and irresponsible since much of it is being cut with lesser festive plants such as laurels and evergreen.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Reasons to Hate Christmas

Last week we looked at some reasons why we should all enjoy the Christmas season, but in the last seven days Circus Killer feels as though Christmas has turned on us. Here some reasons to hate the season:

 

1. Lying to young children is mandatory.

2. Getting guilted into attending church.

3. All shopping malls are converted into refugee camps.

4. Last three paychecks all go to purchasing gift cards.

5. Not knowing what greeting to use for ethnically confusing coworkers.

6. Niceness.

7. Ogling at decorations is a leading cause of suburban car accidents.

8. Awkward annual phone call with relative whose name you don’t quite remember.

9. Disney’s massive erection.

10. Candy canes are a heartless jape at the geriatric.

11. Incessant playing of hackneyed jingles that were used by the CIA to torture suspected terrorists.

12. Lasts 30 days.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

CDC Worried About Spread of Holiday Cheer

The CDC announced during a press conference today that holiday cheer is spreading at an alarming rate. CDC workers are concerned that they may not be able to contain the spread of seasonal merriment until the end of the year.

“This is a serious situation that has the CDC’s full attention,” said CDC spokeswoman Farah Landy. “We are putting as much effort as we can into stopping this thing from spreading further.”

The first case of holiday cheer to appear in the US was recorded on October 12th when a Rite Aid outside of Milwaukee began selling Christmas decorations. The number of cases across the country steadily increased before exploding shortly after Thanksgiving.

In an effort to reduce the spread of the outbreak, the CDC has set up multiple de-jubilation zones in the 37 most heavily infected areas of the country. Patients admitted into these zones must complete a series of boring tasks before being officially cleared of all merriment. These tasks include filling out fake tax forms, reading all of the terms and conditions for an iTunes update, and actually going to church.

Additionally, homes and properties covered in Christmas decorations have been quarantined and are undergoing a cleansing process. Early reports, however, show that the holiday cheer is spreading at a rate that the CDC can’t keep up with.

The CDC is also urging people not to travel until the outbreak is under control. “It is imperative that you remain in your home and only leave when absolutely necessary,” Landy continued. “Anyone seen outside of their home promoting peace on Earth and goodwill towards all will be considered a threat to the public.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.