SPECIAL REPORT: Movie Theaters

Every weekend, Americans flock to the movies to catch a glimpse of their favorite superhero saving the day, two attractive people falling in love, or an anthropomorphic animal learning to believe in itself. Despite the home video industry, the internet, and that one-eyed veteran who sells bootleg DVDs outside the building where I work, movie theaters in America are currently booming. This is due to a number of revolutionary features that can’t be found anywhere except the movies.

One of the big changes that came to theaters across the country a few years ago was the installation of recliner seats. Thousands of movie theaters across the US now allow moviegoers to kick their feet up, lean back, and take a nap in the middle of the movie. Many of these seats also have a vibrating massage feature that you can activate by inserting an amount of quarters equal to $13. Of course the seats come with cup holders, but the movie theater seat cup holders of today are temperature controlled, keeping your drink nice and cool while you laugh at whatever Paul Rudd is doing on the screen. Dozens of Americans in the last five years have gotten frostbite by falling asleep during a movie and accidentally leaving their hand inside one of these refrigerated cup holders, but none have complained.

Concessions have also been revolutionized by the movie theater industry. Most movie theaters now offer literal popcorn tubs that customers can sit in during the movie. Some theaters also offer a “concession trough” that the moviegoer fills with an assortment of open snacks and desserts, and then hooks onto the three seats in front of them so that they have something to shove their face into while the movie is playing. Additionally, the smallest soda sizes are now 44 ounces, and the largest are roughly the size of a three-year-old human. Movie theater companies are also starting to remove their restrictions on opioids, cannabis products, and other types of recreational sedatives to make sure that the average moviegoer’s escape from reality is as fulfilling as possible.

Theaters are also making a push to sell tickets for 3D and IMAX movies, which the home theater industry cannot compete with. Some theaters are experimenting with 4D technology, which allows viewers to watch every scene of the movie at the same time. In order to bring a sense of realism to the movie-going experience, a number of theaters will shine powerful lights into people’s eyes during a film’s bright desert scenes, fill the theater with mosquitoes and other bugs during scenes that take place in a swamp, or flood the theater with the smell of urine for any movie that takes place in Newark, New Jersey.

Whether or not these changes and advances in movie theater technology make going to the movies worthwhile is still a matter of some debate. With each new change comes an increase in ticket prices, long lines, and one more thing for bloggers to complain about. The movie theater industry is still going strong, however, which if nothing else proves that humans will tolerate just about anything.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Area Man Can’t Frequent Parking Garage Without Action Scene Erupting

Businessman D’von Marks was inconvenienced yet again today when a walk to his car through a parking garage turned into an explosive confrontation between two criminal parties.

“I can’t believe this keeps happening to me,” said Marks. “Every goddamn day I just come here to leave work and go home but there’s always some illicit deal going on that turns violent.”

Today Marks witnessed an exchange between a disheveled, classically good-looking man holding a briefcase and a woman wearing a business suit who was accompanied by several silent armed men. Marks comes across an encounter like this almost every day.

“Sometimes both people are holding a briefcase,” said Marks. “Sometimes it’s two men in suits. But there’s always some weird shady deal going on in this parking garage. I don’t know if the police are unaware or they just don’t care. But they should have one patrol car in every parking garage in the city.”

Marks reported the confrontation turned violent when the disheveled man refused to turn over the briefcase until having confirmation that his family was okay. The woman in the suit, however, demanded that the man “hand over the disk.”

“I just tried to ignore them and keep walking,” said Marks, “I tried to get to my car before it turned bad. But ‘hand over the disk?’ I mean, that’s just cliché for the sake of being clichéd. It was a briefcase, not a disk. Unless she was talking about a flash drive in the briefcase, and if so, then just call it a flash drive. Or better yet, use the damn Cloud and you wouldn’t kidnap this guy’s family. Goddamn.”

Eventually shooting erupted as it always does. Marks hid behind an Impala as cars and bullets whizzed by. A few cars exploded.

“I don’t know how I’ve survived all this time,” said Marks, “and I can’t believe my car hasn’t been shot up yet or stolen by the good guy as he attempts to flee the scene empty handed. Maybe I should start parking on the street again and hope that giant monster the government accidentally made doesn’t rampage through the city again.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Last 30 Minutes of 2 Hour Movie Just Credits List of ‘Digital Artists’

The highly anticipated Battle Squad: Age of Tomorrow hit theaters last Friday, breaking box office records and bringing the famed “Battle Squad” children’s toys to life on the big screen for the third time. Fans of the series were upset, however, upon discovering that the last 30 minutes of the 122 minute epic was just the list of the film’s “Digital Artists” during the ending credits.

The producers of Battle Squad: Age of Tomorrow have been defending their decision to put so many people in the post-production team, saying, “People want these beloved childhood heroes to be as lifelike and realistic as possible. If this means hiring 90 or more people to make sure that John Battleman’s nostrils flare up to precisely the right width when the evil Dr. Insanatee threatens to kill his wife Shirley Schwartz, then by God we’re hiring 90 or more people.”

Other fans have been defending the new film, saying that fans shouldn’t get hung up on how short the film was and should instead focus on how this edition of Battle Squad really pulled out all the stops.

“The moment when John Battlman cuts off his own hand to save his daughter’s life before learning that Dr. Insanatee is her real father and the bomb actually went off already was the coolest part of the entire series,” said one internet blogger. “We wouldn’t have been able to see all of that in such detail if it wasn’t for the digital artists.”

Additionally, a number of digital artists who worked on the movie have come out to defend their positions as well.

“When I went to art school, I never would have thought that my entire industry would be swallowed by the Hollywood machine,” said Amanda Gerscht who worked on the film. “But I’m glad it was. All of the hundreds of fellow art majors who went to my school worked on the film with me, and I’m glad we were able to work together again on an actual Hollywood film, just like we will be forever until every other aspect of filmmaking becomes useless. We are the future. Don’t fight it.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Visit A Movie Theater Successfully

Before I begin, I would like to state that all of this is beneath me. I have not seen a film since after the movie “Jaws” was released because that was the point in which film was cemented as entertainment for the commoner, and I am not a commoner. Additionally, any man with half my strength, guile and fullness of hair could easily take on a shark such as the one depicted in that film.

With the rapid rise in ticket prices, however, film might become an entertainment source for the elite within a decade. It is because of this that I now turn my attention towards movie going.

 

1. Attire. There was a time when people wore full suits and ball gowns for an evening out to the movie theater, and that time died when hippies and slackers took over the industry. If you are to visit a movie theater in the most successful way possible, you must do so in the fashion that Thomas Edison intended when he single-handedly invented film as a means to blackmail other inventors who refused to take advantage of capitalism. If you are not in a full suit then you don’t deserve to be in public anyway.

 

2. Concessions. Don’t buy them. Candy, popcorn and soft drinks are for children. Starve if you must, it’s the theater’s fault for not serving any red meat or cognac.

 

3. Volume. It is essential to raise your voice while the film is playing. By giving your commentary on the events depicted in the film, you are letting everyone in your proximity know that your word matters more than the word of the filmmakers, which will always be true because filmmaking is a farcical profession for clowns and unshaven, glasses-wearing men. By speaking louder than Kevin Hart is shouting on screen, you have achieved vocal dominance within the theater and your fellow moviegoers will respect you for it.

 

This concludes this week’s portion of “How to Succeed.” There will be another post in one week. Until then, try to be better than what you are now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

AMC to Equip Theaters with Electric Helmets that Keep Moviegoers from Using Cell Phones

AMC Theaters announced their plans this morning to install electronic helmets into the seats of every one of their theaters by the end of 2016. The purpose of these helmets is to emit a small electric shock to movie watchers whenever they think about checking their cell phones.

Each helmet contains a series of diodes that measure brainwave activity. The helmet is then hooked up to a small computer on the back of the seat and interprets these brainwaves as thoughts, then makes the decision to zap the moviegoer if those thoughts drift to things like friends and family.

AMC has been testing these helmets since the beginning of January and is working hard to “get rid of the kinks” before 2016, according to AMC spokeswoman Susan Gredenko.

“The purpose, ultimately, is to ensure that our customers are getting the full experience of the films they see,” Gredenko added. “Cell phones are a distraction to themselves and others, and we feel that this is the best way to get rid of that distraction.”

So far the helmets have been malfunctioning at an unacceptable rate. Test subjects have reportedly found it difficult to use their cell phones weeks after using the helmets, so the effects of the helmets appear to be long term. Additionally, the helmets provide a health risk to subjects with cardiac issues, however AMC looks at that positively.

“Another goal with this is to get old people out of our theaters,” said Gredenko. “Old people are our number one demographic, and that holds true for every other major movie theater. By putting old, feeble people at risk, we limit their attendance and hopefully bring a younger, thrill-seeking crowd.”

Other movie theaters have begun to draft similar projects, such as United Artist’s “Needle Machine” which injects viewers with adrenaline every 20 minutes, and Regal’s microwave chair arms that fry cell phones almost instantly.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

5 Amazing Films That Were Snubbed Out of Oscar Nominations

2014 was an amazing year for film, but many of the year’s best were not recognized by the Academy. Here are 5 movies you should see that were cheated out of Oscar nominations.

 

Title: Carts
Synopsis: This animated feature about Harry the Shopping Cart touched the hearts of families across the world. Harry is tired of being pushed around at his grocery store, and when an opportunity arises for Harry to move to a megastore he rolls around out of joy. But this new job isn’t what it seems… soon Harry finds himself missing his grocery store pals and after a few mistakes and misadventures he learns about the true power of friendship. This film set the record for most times the phrase “pushed around” was used.

 

Title: Civil Rights Movie
Synopsis: From the people who brought you Lincoln, 12 Years a Slave, The Butler, and Selma, comes this biopic of another Civil Rights activist whose life was greatly impacted by racism and discrimination at some point in America’s history before Obama was elected, but who ultimately overcomes these obstacles and helps to change America’s thinking on the topic of race. Through the story of one person’s life, “Civil Rights Movie” shines a light on the harsher reality of racism in America that we are only reminded of when it’s Oscar season or when the police are in the news.

 

Title: The Sister of the Christ
Synopsis: Zooey Deschanel stars in this dramatic retelling of Jesus’ twin sister Jebra Christ who has the same abilities as her brother but whose second X chromosome forbids her from being accepted among the ancient Jewish people. Jebra attempts to overcome sexual discrimination and take her rightful place as the co-savior of the human race while constantly having to avoid being stoned to death. This feminist masterpiece uncovers the truth behind the Christ family and tells us that we can achieve the respect of our ignorant peers, even if we have amazing breasts.

 

Title: Whispers of Freedom
Synopsis: An American soldier fighting for freedom in Afghanistan is the best soldier in his squad, but when we learn halfway through that his son died and his wife has cancer we start to realize that this soldier is just like the rest of us only he actually gets to shoot people. As he fights to protect our freedom and sovereignty America Ford rights of the liberty with Declaration united drone strike freedom for the troops one nation under God for the star-spangled sovereignty nation America. Amen.

 

Title: Windex Woman
Synopsis: Wilma Whittle was an average cleaning lady at a Best Western, but when she accidentally spills a bottle of radioactive Windex on herself, Wilma discovers she has the incredible ability to keep surfaces clean and free of most germs using only her bare hands. Wilma’s powers are soon put to the test when an evil force unmasks itself and a plot to create smudges on the surfaces of the Guatemalan ambassador’s hotel furniture emerges. Wilma will have to learn how to control her powers and accept the responsibility that the Fates of Cleanliness have given her.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Family Just Now Learning Son’s Girlfriend of 3 Months is Black

The Falkes family of Stone Brook, Indiana, was shocked to discover that son Jason Falkes’ girlfriend is an African American.  The family found out when Jason brought his girlfriend Elana home last night for Thanksgiving.

The family was quick to accept Jason’s girlfriend, only expressing behind closed doors how strange they thought it was for Jason to have never mentioned Elana’s race.  “I’m not saying I have an issue with it,” said Robert Falkes, Jason’s father.  “I just don’t understand why he’s never brought this up before. It’s something I would’ve liked to know.”

Jason and Elana made it home in time for the Falkes family’s weekly “Monday Movie Night,” which was uncomfortable for everyone since the movie they had scheduled was Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.

“I guess I shouldn’t be thinking so much of it,” said Hannah Falkes, Jason’s mother.  “I know we raised Jason not to see color, it’s just not what I was picturing.”

This morning Hannah emailed all who would be joining the Falkes family for Thanksgiving about Elana so that everyone else could have fair warning.  Hannah’s brother Mitch, however, is unreachable since he doesn’t know how to operate a computer, and Mitch is the relative who Hannah is most worried about.  Mitch often spends Thanksgiving complaining about immigrants, President Obama and how it’s unfair that “those people get a whole Friday to themselves.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.