Hollywood

12 Oscar Facts You Never Knew

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The Oscars are this Sunday and the buzz has already started. Millions of Americans will be switching on their TVs to see their favorite stars, glitzy performances, and those nerds who win “Sound Design” or whatever.  But there are some things about the Academy Awards that you might not know, for example that the Academy Awards and the Oscars are the same thing.  Here are 12 more insane facts about the Oscars:

 

1. The first Oscar statues were anatomically correct. The non-gender-conforming model that is used today is the result of a petition by Jane Fonda.

2. Initially the Academy Awards ceremony began as a means of thinning out the Hollywood elite. Winners would be killed and have their skin converted into film.

3. Oscars are only coated in gold. They’re dark chocolate on the inside.

4. It is expected that by the year 2050, the “Best Picture” category will hold 35 nominees.

5. “Oscar Sunday” is one of the biggest days for gambling. People bet on everything from who will win certain awards to which actresses will cry the most to whether or not James Franco is wearing underwear.

6. Steven Spielberg is given an Award for “Best Director” every year.

7. 84% of men say they only watch the Oscars for the dresses.

8. Leonardo DiCaprio gave a poor tip to a gypsy who was working as a waitress. She cursed him, and he has never won an Oscar since.

9. It is rumored that the Academy will host a second awards ceremony next year that will be exclusively for minorities. The two ceremonies will be completely separate, but still equal.

10. Most winners are actually determined by a psychic octopus.

11. Every time NBC hosts the Oscars, they get cancelled mid-ceremony.

12. Nicolas Cage has won more Oscars than anyone else in film history, and film future.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Last 30 Minutes of 2 Hour Movie Just Credits List of ‘Digital Artists’

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The highly anticipated Battle Squad: Age of Tomorrow hit theaters last Friday, breaking box office records and bringing the famed “Battle Squad” children’s toys to life on the big screen for the third time. Fans of the series were upset, however, upon discovering that the last 30 minutes of the 122 minute epic was just the list of the film’s “Digital Artists” during the ending credits.

The producers of Battle Squad: Age of Tomorrow have been defending their decision to put so many people in the post-production team, saying, “People want these beloved childhood heroes to be as lifelike and realistic as possible. If this means hiring 90 or more people to make sure that John Battleman’s nostrils flare up to precisely the right width when the evil Dr. Insanatee threatens to kill his wife Shirley Schwartz, then by God we’re hiring 90 or more people.”

Other fans have been defending the new film, saying that fans shouldn’t get hung up on how short the film was and should instead focus on how this edition of Battle Squad really pulled out all the stops.

“The moment when John Battlman cuts off his own hand to save his daughter’s life before learning that Dr. Insanatee is her real father and the bomb actually went off already was the coolest part of the entire series,” said one internet blogger. “We wouldn’t have been able to see all of that in such detail if it wasn’t for the digital artists.”

Additionally, a number of digital artists who worked on the movie have come out to defend their positions as well.

“When I went to art school, I never would have thought that my entire industry would be swallowed by the Hollywood machine,” said Amanda Gerscht who worked on the film. “But I’m glad it was. All of the hundreds of fellow art majors who went to my school worked on the film with me, and I’m glad we were able to work together again on an actual Hollywood film, just like we will be forever until every other aspect of filmmaking becomes useless. We are the future. Don’t fight it.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #04 – David Hasselhoff; Patrick Warburton; Tom Cruise

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. David Hasselhoff Honored at 2016 Klu Klux Klan Banquet

David Hasselhoff was honored at the Klu Klux Klan’s annual award banquet on Sunday winning the title of “Best Aryan” for the twenty-third consecutive year in a row. Not surprisingly, the acclaimed actor of shows like Knight Rider and Baywatch did not show up at the Chick-fil-a in which the ceremony was held to receive his award, and in fact never has. Hasselhoff stated via Twitter that he has no idea why he is so highly praised in the white supremacist community, and kindly asks that members of the KKK stop leaving bouquet’s of crosses and small animal hides on his property.

 

2. Patrick Warburton’s Voice Charged with Murder

Patrick Warburton’s voice was charged with murder early this morning in what authorities are calling a “saddening display of an abuse of power.” First responders reported that the actor appeared to have used his voice to murder an ex-lover, however new and undisclosed evidence suggests that Warburton’s voice might have been acting alone. It’s possible that Warburton, Warburton’s voice and Warburton’s ex-lover were caught up in some sort of love triangle, however this is purely speculation. The actor and his voice have both been taken into custody.

 

3. Tom Cruise Running for President,  Nation’s Secondhand News Junkies Say

Tom Cruise announced his candidacy for US President in the upcoming 2016 election, according to many Americans who receive their news from gossiping coworkers. The actor apparently thought his experience climbing things and completing impossible missions is enough to make him a major contender as Head of State, thought thousands of Americans after they heard it from a friend. Most of those who actually thought this was true would have welcomed Tom Cruise as the next president, reportedly thinking that a scientologist in the White House would be an accurate representation of the conspiracy theorist nut-jobs who make up the majority of the American public.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Tune in next week where we’ll reveal which Hollywood actresses are secretly Kabbalah demons.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #03 – Ben Affleck; Tom Hanks; Samuel L. Jackson

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Welcome to  “Celeb Watch,”  the internet’s number one source for completely legitimate celebrity news,  updated weekly.  Here’s what’s happening this week to three of your favorite actors:

 

1. Ben Affleck Did Not Attend This Year’s St. Patrick’s Day Celebration

Actor and filmmaker Ben Affleck did not attend today’s St. Patrick’s Day celebration in Boston for the first time in over 15 years, reports say. This has shocked Bostonians because Affleck always plays an integral part of the festivities as the city’s official hero. Every year the actor is paraded through the streets on a giant float and allowed any woman he chooses, but the Oscar winner appears to have intentionally missed this year’s St. Patrick’s Day. Affleck hasn’t given any explanation as to why he decided to skip this year, however it seems Mark Wahlberg has taken Affleck’s place.

 

2. Tom Hanks Most Perfect Human Specimen,  Scientists Say

“Tom Hanks is the most realistic specimen of human perfection,” according to a group of anthropologists who believe their search for the perfect human is finally over. The team has spent nearly two decades studying tens of thousands of people who claim to have reached the pinnacle of biological and psychological human perfection, however all candidates have failed at least one of their tests. Actor Tom Hanks, on the other hand, appears to be the only infallible human being on the planet and has passed every test that would deem him perfect both at a genetic and psychological level. Hanks modestly says he’s just “happy to help” and plans to donate his body to science upon his passing in a few millennia.

 

3. Samuel L. Jackson Officially Not a Big Deal

Actor Samuel L. Jackson is no longer a highly coveted commodity in the movie industry, reports “Interior Hollywood,” a leading film industry online publication. Jackson was once considered a “badass Hollywood legend,” but in the last few years has held too many roles in too many movies to hold the same status he did in the early 2000s, according to the same publication. Celebrity theorists have already begun referring to Jackson as the “Black Nick Cage” and don’t think it will be long until the actor becomes a cheap parody of himself unless he starts saying “no” a little more often.

 

That does it for this week’s celebrity gossip.  Check back next Tuesday for an updated account of important people’s lives.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Oscar Winners Led Off Stage to Have Bodies Recycled into Film

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Hollywood’s darkest night occurred yesterday when the best of the American movie industry offered itself to be sacrificed for the production of film.

The tradition began 87 years ago during the worst film shortage in history. Producers realized it would be cheaper and more efficient to make film out of human skin, so the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences devised a system to determine which stars and filmmakers have reached their prime so that they can make the ultimate sacrifice for the industry to continue.

Some Hollywood big shots are against this ritual, arguing that the film shortage ended shortly after this tradition began. Among them was Eddie Redmayne who won the Oscar last night for “Best Actor.” Redmayne had to be carried off of the stage screaming when he tried to speak out against the practice during his speech.

The underrepresentation of black people at the Oscars sparked debate when the nominees were announced, at which point the AMPAS claimed that lighter skin is “just easier to work with, as long as it’s a little tan.” This is why three Oscars were awarded to Alejandro González Iñárritu, whose skin will be used to make three films this year.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nation Strives to Remain Gutten-Free

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A social media campaign went viral earlier this week that urges people to boycott all movies starring actor Steve Guttenberg. Initially, the campaign was started by mistake when a popular online fitness brand tweeted “Down with Gutten,” which was autocorrected from “Down with Gluten.” The poster of the original tweet apologized and tweeted a correction, however the original tweet was retweeted and favorited so much that the “Gutten Free” online campaign was born.

Known colloquially as “the poor man’s Bill Murray,” Steve Guttenberg was a comedy actor in the 1980s who fell out of stardom when curly hair stopped being acceptable. He still acts today, but is too old for a leading role.

Since the campaign started, many movie watchers have completely cut Gutten out of their movies. Some fast-forward through parts of movies that are high on Gutten, while others have vowed to avoid Gutten-enriched movies altogether.

Early this afternoon, many film reviewers have come forward saying that the Gutten Free campaign isn’t based on anything factual, and that most people are just hopping onto the craze without understanding who Steven Guttenberg really is.

“The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with watching a little bit of Gutten every day,” says New York Times film reviewer David Costanelli. “Gutten isn’t ideal, of course, but it won’t kill you and isn’t inherently bad in any way.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.