Welcome back to “Celeb Watch,” the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet (please ignore that oxymoron). Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:
1. David Hasselhoff Honored at 2016 Klu Klux Klan Banquet
David Hasselhoff was honored at the Klu Klux Klan’s annual award banquet on Sunday winning the title of “Best Aryan” for the twenty-third consecutive year in a row. Not surprisingly, the acclaimed actor of shows like Knight Rider and Baywatch did not show up at the Chick-fil-a in which the ceremony was held to receive his award, and in fact never has. Hasselhoff stated via Twitter that he has no idea why he is so highly praised in the white supremacist community, and kindly asks that members of the KKK stop leaving bouquet’s of crosses and small animal hides on his property.
2. Patrick Warburton’s Voice Charged with Murder
Patrick Warburton’s voice was charged with murder early this morning in what authorities are calling a “saddening display of an abuse of power.” First responders reported that the actor appeared to have used his voice to murder an ex-lover, however new and undisclosed evidence suggests that Warburton’s voice might have been acting alone. It’s possible that Warburton, Warburton’s voice and Warburton’s ex-lover were caught up in some sort of love triangle, however this is purely speculation. The actor and his voice have both been taken into custody.
3. Tom Cruise Running for President, Nation’s Secondhand News Junkies Say
Tom Cruise announced his candidacy for US President in the upcoming 2016 election, according to many Americans who receive their news from gossiping coworkers. The actor apparently thought his experience climbing things and completing impossible missions is enough to make him a major contender as Head of State, thought thousands of Americans after they heard it from a friend. Most of those who actually thought this was true would have welcomed Tom Cruise as the next president, reportedly thinking that a scientologist in the White House would be an accurate representation of the conspiracy theorist nut-jobs who make up the majority of the American public.
That’s it for this week’s “Celeb Watch.” Tune in next week where we’ll reveal which Hollywood actresses are secretly Kabbalah demons.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.