Celeb Watch #03 – Ben Affleck; Tom Hanks; Samuel L. Jackson

Welcome to  “Celeb Watch,”  the internet’s number one source for completely legitimate celebrity news,  updated weekly.  Here’s what’s happening this week to three of your favorite actors:

 

1. Ben Affleck Did Not Attend This Year’s St. Patrick’s Day Celebration

Actor and filmmaker Ben Affleck did not attend today’s St. Patrick’s Day celebration in Boston for the first time in over 15 years, reports say. This has shocked Bostonians because Affleck always plays an integral part of the festivities as the city’s official hero. Every year the actor is paraded through the streets on a giant float and allowed any woman he chooses, but the Oscar winner appears to have intentionally missed this year’s St. Patrick’s Day. Affleck hasn’t given any explanation as to why he decided to skip this year, however it seems Mark Wahlberg has taken Affleck’s place.

 

2. Tom Hanks Most Perfect Human Specimen,  Scientists Say

“Tom Hanks is the most realistic specimen of human perfection,” according to a group of anthropologists who believe their search for the perfect human is finally over. The team has spent nearly two decades studying tens of thousands of people who claim to have reached the pinnacle of biological and psychological human perfection, however all candidates have failed at least one of their tests. Actor Tom Hanks, on the other hand, appears to be the only infallible human being on the planet and has passed every test that would deem him perfect both at a genetic and psychological level. Hanks modestly says he’s just “happy to help” and plans to donate his body to science upon his passing in a few millennia.

 

3. Samuel L. Jackson Officially Not a Big Deal

Actor Samuel L. Jackson is no longer a highly coveted commodity in the movie industry, reports “Interior Hollywood,” a leading film industry online publication. Jackson was once considered a “badass Hollywood legend,” but in the last few years has held too many roles in too many movies to hold the same status he did in the early 2000s, according to the same publication. Celebrity theorists have already begun referring to Jackson as the “Black Nick Cage” and don’t think it will be long until the actor becomes a cheap parody of himself unless he starts saying “no” a little more often.

 

That does it for this week’s celebrity gossip.  Check back next Tuesday for an updated account of important people’s lives.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Boston Declares State of Emergency as City Runs out of Booze on St. Patrick’s Day

The city of Boston ran out of alcohol just hours ago on St. Patrick’s Day morning leaving tens of thousands of celebrators furious and sober. Riots have broken out all across the city as Bostonians raid stores and homes in search of alcohol, pots of gold and resolution with their distant fathers.

“In truth the violence isn’t the real problem,” said mayor Dalton Dunley. “We usually see this sort of violence every year and in fact the number of deaths and injuries are usually way higher at this point due to alcohol poisoning. My main concern right now is that those numbers will drastically increase later in the day because of withdrawal. That’s why we’re in a state of emergency.”

President Obama has reportedly ordered FEMA to fly in hundreds of gallons of booze into the city but early estimates don’t think this will be enough.

“We wanna get trucks bringin’ it in,” said Mayor Dunley, “but most of the roads are still closed from all the snow. We tried boats, too, but that whole system’s down for now.”

Ordinarily the immense amount of alcohol that is consumed on St. Patrick’s Day is brought into Boston Harbor via cargo ships, however a group of drunk Bostonians snuck onto a few of these ships early this morning and dumped a lot of the booze into the harbor as an act of protest. Most of them were caught and jailed.

“Yeah we were protesting,” said Dennis McLeary, one of the harbor dumpers. “Joe was protesting that I couldn’t lift a whole barrel of booze, and I was protesting that I could. So we all snuck on and I totally did.”

“Dennis and his friends will be prosecuted when this crisis is over,” said Mayor Dunley. “Until then we will do everything to bring alcohol to the fine people of this city, even if it kills them.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.