How To Dress Successfully

Hello, I’m John Francais Callahan. My entire life has been one upward journey from the lower-middle class to the top 1%. I got where I am today through hard work, detachment and a series of payoffs. And now I offer my wisdom in this weekly column here on Circus Killer News.

Today I am addressing an issue that has slowly been eating away at our nation’s integrity since the end of the Civil Rights Movement. I’m talking of course about the public dress code, or lack thereof. For decades, men in this country have slowly been easing back on the acceptability of children’s attire. It is now nearly impossible to walk one block without seeing a man wearing a t-shirt they obtained from a rock music concert in 2006, a hat being worn in the wrong direction, and a pair of loose-fitting shorts that were undoubtedly used to mop up cereal at some point. It is shameful to look at and I feel inclined to detail precisely how a man should dress himself if he wishes to be successful.

I should also clarify that this has nothing to do with the Civil Rights Movement and everything to do with Henry Fonda’s failures as a parent.

 

1. Suit. The phrase “a man is only as good as he dresses” is true to a degree. A man is also as good as the car he drives, the homes he owns, the women he’s slept with and the boats he’s taken those women out on shortly before they disappear. The reason why that phrase is true is because all of those things cost money. The more of those things you have, the more value you have as a human being. Ergo, the better the suit, the more valuable the man.

The Italians are good at three things – running small businesses, denying things in a court of law, and making suits. This is why Italian suits are the most expensive and why there is no Italian word for “embezzlement.” All of my suits are imported from Italy and probably cost more than your car. I wear each of them four times before selling them to a company that recycles old suits into coffin lining for dead Fortune 500 CEOs. This is the goal you want to work towards.

 

2. Necktie. A man’s tie represents his manhood. Your tie needs to be full, appropriately colored and made out of the same silk as Lou Dobbs’ hair. The only traditionally accepted colors are red, blue and occasionally black if you have a serious engagement to attend to, such as a horse’s funeral or a Bar Mitzvah. Every other color of tie is reserved for homosexuals; you are allowed to wear them but not too often as it might become offensive.

 

3. Hat. At no point is wearing a hat ever acceptable. If the Bible has taught us anything it’s that God intended white men to rule the Earth and that hair is directly related to power. By covering your hair with a hat, you are telling your opponents (which are every man that isn’t you) that you are cowardly and unsure of yourself. Hats and the newly formed “Hat Acceptance” movement are a leading cause of the destruction of traditional, American values.

Additionally, if you’re bald, there’s no hope for you.

 

That is all for this week’s edition of  “How to Succeed.”  I will be back next week with instructions on how to live your life better than however you are living it now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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How To Visit A Movie Theater Successfully

Before I begin, I would like to state that all of this is beneath me. I have not seen a film since after the movie “Jaws” was released because that was the point in which film was cemented as entertainment for the commoner, and I am not a commoner. Additionally, any man with half my strength, guile and fullness of hair could easily take on a shark such as the one depicted in that film.

With the rapid rise in ticket prices, however, film might become an entertainment source for the elite within a decade. It is because of this that I now turn my attention towards movie going.

 

1. Attire. There was a time when people wore full suits and ball gowns for an evening out to the movie theater, and that time died when hippies and slackers took over the industry. If you are to visit a movie theater in the most successful way possible, you must do so in the fashion that Thomas Edison intended when he single-handedly invented film as a means to blackmail other inventors who refused to take advantage of capitalism. If you are not in a full suit then you don’t deserve to be in public anyway.

 

2. Concessions. Don’t buy them. Candy, popcorn and soft drinks are for children. Starve if you must, it’s the theater’s fault for not serving any red meat or cognac.

 

3. Volume. It is essential to raise your voice while the film is playing. By giving your commentary on the events depicted in the film, you are letting everyone in your proximity know that your word matters more than the word of the filmmakers, which will always be true because filmmaking is a farcical profession for clowns and unshaven, glasses-wearing men. By speaking louder than Kevin Hart is shouting on screen, you have achieved vocal dominance within the theater and your fellow moviegoers will respect you for it.

 

This concludes this week’s portion of “How to Succeed.” There will be another post in one week. Until then, try to be better than what you are now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Introduce Yourself Successfully

My name is John Francais Callahan. Yes, that John Francais Callahan. For those of you not important enough to know my name, look me up on your own because listing my achievements here would take too long. I’m not on your time, you’re on mine.

For the record, I’m only here because my good friend Jacob S. Wydra asked me to and technically this counts as community service, which looks good in the public eye. Personally I find these self-help things to be a total waste of time. If you need someone else to tell you how to be successful, then you just don’t have what it takes. Regardless, here we are.

Today I’m going to tell you how to introduce yourself in a way that will shock your enemies into respecting you. There are several components to a good introduction.

 

1. The Handshake. This is arguably the most important part of any first meet. A good man such as myself can tell a lot by the way a man shakes my hand; which hand he fights with, which he writes with, how much he makes annually, the size of his boat, what sexual positions he prefers, things of this nature. Don’t shake hands like the man you are, shake hands like the man you want to be.

Of course a firm grip goes without saying; most men think it ends there. But a real man is able to channel his power from his manhood, up his body, through his arm and out of his hand. That’s what you want, for him to feel your manhood. And this first handshake is the only time you will be able to do this because it is the only time when it is acceptable to touch another man.

 

2. Eye Contact. Shut up. A wealthy person is about to speak. This is the message you need to convey with your eyes.

Eye contact is critical during the handshake phase. I mentioned power emanating through your hands but in fact your power should be penetrating all five of his senses. He should feel it through your handshake, see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice, smell it by detecting what exorbitant cologne you’re wearing, and taste the brown liquor on your breath. Each introduction should be a full-frontal five-sense assault on your enemy, ignoring of course the sixth sense that only the Pope knows about.

Sight, however, is the most powerful of the five common senses, making eye contact paramount in these first few moments of your introduction. Your eyes should be a shield that the sharpest of men cannot penetrate, and also a spear that pierces the eye-shield of the man you’re meeting. Using the shield-spear technique, you can successful identify all of a man’s weaknesses during the first moment you make eye contact without him doing the same thing to you. Ideally you wouldn’t have any weaknesses to speak of, but if that were the case you probably wouldn’t be reading this right now.

There are many more things I could say about this subject. So many, in fact, that I could write a book about it if it weren’t for the fact that writing professionally is a sign of failure. I’m not even writing this right now, I’m flawlessly dictating to my 2nd secretary’s secretary. But I have time for one more tip.

 

3. Subliminal Dominance. A good number of men you meet believe that the way to win an introduction is to brag about their achievements, belongings, lineage and/or sexual partners. Where these things are important, stating them outright and without prompt will give the impression that these things are all you are good for. This is not the impression you want to give; you want him to know that you are better than him. You want him feel as though he isn’t worth your time.

Take for example the way I introduced myself at the start of this. I let you know the truth, that my accomplishments are nearly endless, however I did not brag about what they were. I stressed that I wasn’t here to serve you and that my participation in this was strictly on my terms. This subconsciously put me in control of the situation, and that dominance will ring throughout the rest of our encounters.

 

I do not hope or expect you to have enjoyed this entry. If you’re smart, you will take this advice and use it to become a better man, giving me the opportunity to crush a worthy competitor. Keep reading each week, I would prefer a fair fight.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.