How To Introduce Yourself Successfully

My name is John Francais Callahan. Yes, that John Francais Callahan. For those of you not important enough to know my name, look me up on your own because listing my achievements here would take too long. I’m not on your time, you’re on mine.

For the record, I’m only here because my good friend Jacob S. Wydra asked me to and technically this counts as community service, which looks good in the public eye. Personally I find these self-help things to be a total waste of time. If you need someone else to tell you how to be successful, then you just don’t have what it takes. Regardless, here we are.

Today I’m going to tell you how to introduce yourself in a way that will shock your enemies into respecting you. There are several components to a good introduction.

 

1. The Handshake. This is arguably the most important part of any first meet. A good man such as myself can tell a lot by the way a man shakes my hand; which hand he fights with, which he writes with, how much he makes annually, the size of his boat, what sexual positions he prefers, things of this nature. Don’t shake hands like the man you are, shake hands like the man you want to be.

Of course a firm grip goes without saying; most men think it ends there. But a real man is able to channel his power from his manhood, up his body, through his arm and out of his hand. That’s what you want, for him to feel your manhood. And this first handshake is the only time you will be able to do this because it is the only time when it is acceptable to touch another man.

 

2. Eye Contact. Shut up. A wealthy person is about to speak. This is the message you need to convey with your eyes.

Eye contact is critical during the handshake phase. I mentioned power emanating through your hands but in fact your power should be penetrating all five of his senses. He should feel it through your handshake, see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice, smell it by detecting what exorbitant cologne you’re wearing, and taste the brown liquor on your breath. Each introduction should be a full-frontal five-sense assault on your enemy, ignoring of course the sixth sense that only the Pope knows about.

Sight, however, is the most powerful of the five common senses, making eye contact paramount in these first few moments of your introduction. Your eyes should be a shield that the sharpest of men cannot penetrate, and also a spear that pierces the eye-shield of the man you’re meeting. Using the shield-spear technique, you can successful identify all of a man’s weaknesses during the first moment you make eye contact without him doing the same thing to you. Ideally you wouldn’t have any weaknesses to speak of, but if that were the case you probably wouldn’t be reading this right now.

There are many more things I could say about this subject. So many, in fact, that I could write a book about it if it weren’t for the fact that writing professionally is a sign of failure. I’m not even writing this right now, I’m flawlessly dictating to my 2nd secretary’s secretary. But I have time for one more tip.

 

3. Subliminal Dominance. A good number of men you meet believe that the way to win an introduction is to brag about their achievements, belongings, lineage and/or sexual partners. Where these things are important, stating them outright and without prompt will give the impression that these things are all you are good for. This is not the impression you want to give; you want him to know that you are better than him. You want him feel as though he isn’t worth your time.

Take for example the way I introduced myself at the start of this. I let you know the truth, that my accomplishments are nearly endless, however I did not brag about what they were. I stressed that I wasn’t here to serve you and that my participation in this was strictly on my terms. This subconsciously put me in control of the situation, and that dominance will ring throughout the rest of our encounters.

 

I do not hope or expect you to have enjoyed this entry. If you’re smart, you will take this advice and use it to become a better man, giving me the opportunity to crush a worthy competitor. Keep reading each week, I would prefer a fair fight.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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