Your weekly horoscope for March 2nd, 2015.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Be kind to a stranger this week, you’re overdue for a good scam.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Jupiter is currently passing through the house of Taurus, so don’t be surprised if you suddenly get super fat.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Love is in the air, but so are unregulated carbon emissions… you should consider moving out of the city.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): A chance will emerge some time this week for you to be a hero. Don’t let this stop you from sitting around on your ass like usual.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Not saying you’re going to die if you don’t order the soup this Thursday, but I really don’t trust that salad.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You may or may not be attacked by a giant sea lizard this week.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You’ll have a cold front moving in from the south later this week, about a 30% chance of precipitation on Monday.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Things will get heated at work this week, so bring like a fan or a cold towel or something.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Look, kid, I don’t know when you’re gonna get a job, alright? Just keep sending out resumes.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): That bread in your pantry will go bad this Tuesday. And yes, bread can go bad.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Your relationship might take a turn for the worse this week so start getting irrational now.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): This sign’s prediction is only available with a Circus Killer Gold Membership account. Pay the $8 monthly subscription fee for access to your astrological reading.
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