How To Sit Successfully

My name is John Francais Callahan. I was the only person at my school to be awarded Most Handsome, Most Successful and Most Hair all at once and as a freshman. I maintain this blog so that lesser men like you can have a glimpse at what it means to be truly magnificent.

Most men only sit down because it’s comfortable or they’re too tired to stand. I sit because it’s a power play. Sitting shows other men in the room that you aren’t worth their time. It shows them that you don’t need your feet to be in control, and if done properly, can open up no less than 31 sexual positions you’ve never heard of because most of them are illegal in the United States. Today, I shall go over the secrets of a successful sit.

 

1. Posture. Men and women can both sense power by the erectness of a man’s stance, and this applies to sitting just as much as it does to standing. Your feet should be firm on the floor, knees at a 90º angle. At no point should you ever fidget or cross your legs. Men who do this are nervous and likely hiding something, like a debilitating addiction or an attachment to someone with an embarrassing genetic illness.

Always make sure your back is upright and your shoulders are wide and broad. This is a tactic often used in the animal kingdom. Male peacocks will show off their feathers to intimidate inferior peacocks, bears will stand up on their hind legs to appear taller, and giraffes will perform cartwheels while lighting nearby buildings on fire. Every animal has their means of intimidation. For men, this lies primarily in the shoulders, chest and groin region. When you sit, it should be in a way that accentuates those areas of your body.

 

2. Movement. It is critical to maintain composure at all times, which means as little movement as possible. It does not matter if you learn that the senator’s son you loaned one of your yachts to has just crashed it or if a black person has just been elected president. You have to remain as calm and sensible as possible. Control indicates power. I once sat through an ordeal as gruesome as watching Dick Cheney have the steam engine that powers him replaced without wincing or turning away, and it’s housed in a part of his body that should be covered at all times and looks as sickening as what his soul probably looks like.

 

This concludes this week’s edition of “How to Succeed.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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How To Eat Successfully (Part 3)

My name is John Francais Callahan. I’ve participated in human trafficking on multiple yachts owned by three different Bush’s. I write to you, the weaker, lesser man, with a few rules to follow that could help you become better than whatever you’re trying to be now.

Recently I have been going over the subject of how to eat successfully. First, I instructed how a real man orders his food. Then I informed you how to properly engage in meal-worthy conversation. This week I conclude my eating tutorial with the final and least important part of the eating process.

 

3. Eating. Within five minutes of your food being set down on the table in front of you, send it back. Sending back your food is a power play that reminds everyone at the table that you are in charge and that both the serving staff and kitchen staff are beneath you. Occasionally there are times when sending your meal back once isn’t enough, so be prepared to do this multiple times. You know you are dining with powerful, knowledgeable men when everyone at the table sends their meal back four, five, even six times before anyone takes a bite.

I will not discuss the mechanics of eating because this is something you should have mastered by the time you were six, unless you are a natural success like myself who mastered eating by the time I was two weeks old. There are things to keep in mind while eating, however, which will make the difference between an ordinary man and a successful man.

Posture is important. Sit up straight throughout the entire course of the meal. An erect state always suggests power but it is also easier to keep your food down if there still happen to be pieces of buckshot in it. It is only acceptable to eat while reclining if you are dining with a Jew or a woman with whom you have already had intercourse, although ideally you would never see such a woman in public again.

Your arms should be down with your elbows at a 50º angle, your feet firmly planted on the ground, and your manhood encroaching into your right pant leg. Your eyes should always be fixed on the person with whom you are conversing at any given moment. At no point should you look at your meal except for the first cut into the meat you are eating to make sure it is as red as Donald Trump’s face before his creamer administers his whitening cream.

Additionally, never belch or hiccup. The only things that should leave a man’s body are excrement and diamonds you may have swallowed during one of Warren Buffett’s rare mineral tastings. Although napkins are designed to wipe excess food crumbs from your mouth and hands, no successful, self-respecting man should use one unless you plan on offering it to a female companion once she starts crying due to her femininity.

 

This concludes my instructions on how to eat successfully. I will continue this column with another tutorial next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Eat Successfully (Part 2)

My name is John Francais Callahan. I’m a member of three of the four secret societies that have already determined who the next five US presidents will be. As part of my lesser accomplishments, I am maintaining an advice column here on Circus Killer News to teach weak men like you the secrets of success.

Last week I began to discuss how to eat successfully, but only got as far as step one: ordering. Right now I will continue with the next step in the successful eating process.

 

2. Conversation. This will likely its own chapter in the “How to Succeed” series so I will not be too detailed with this step. Rather, I will mostly go over which conversational topics are common with certain meals, and which topics you should avoid.

Of the 23 meals every man should eat in a week (breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of the week plus Sunday Brunch and Wednesday Power Brunch), no less than 15 of those meals should be reserved for making business deals. Men have made deals over food since ancient nomadic cavemen traded their rocks, wives and other possessions for larger portions of dinosaur meat. It is in these instances that conversations over food, much like any business deal, are lingual battles of dominance and power the intensity of which rivals that of World War II.

For non-business meals, your conversations should still be lingual battles of dominance and power because that is what all conversations are, only the intensity in these cases can rival one of those lesser wars like Korea or the one against drugs. Make sure everyone in your party knows that you are the head of the table and the conversational leader by frequently interrupting people, changing the subject to an opinion you can defend, and making toasts to congratulate people in a move of ownership and emasculation. All of these things will keep the ball in your court, or rather your field if you happen to be white.

There is a finite amount of approved conversational topics for all three meals throughout the day. Death is a good subject to discuss over breakfast, for example, because reminding yourself and those around you about the fate of the weak is a way to both respectfully commemorate and justifiably condemn the fodder upon which your greatness is built. In fact, “break” is derived from the Latin word “barack” which means “the lesser ones.”

Lunch is generally reserved for more upbeat conversations, such as how well you performed in last weekend’s yacht race or the death of the middle class. Lunch is also a good time to deliver joyous news to be celebrated over dinner, such as announcing your daughter’s arranged engagement to the prominent son of a politician who’s on your payroll or your recent acquisition of the skeleton of the first horse in space.

Lastly there’s dinner, the most important meal of the day. Part of its importance is that any flirtatious activities that occur during supper are 86% more effective due primarily to the way that candles remind women of penises. There should always be women present at dinner, and ideally one woman for every two men because sex only counts when you have taken the woman of an inferior man. With her you should discuss money, cleaning products, Theodore Roosevelt, really anything that will get her in the mood. If she isn’t at least thinking about doing hand stuff to you by the time your entrée of steak and hers of lettuce and ice cubes have arrived, you’ve probably done something wrong.

 

That’s all for this week. I will continue my converage of successful eating next Friday. Until then, be better than what you are now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How to Eat Successfully

My name is John Francais Callahan. By the time you finish reading this sentence I’ll have made enough money to buy everything you own out from under you. Instead of destroying you, however, I offer my wisdom on becoming a wealthy, successful and powerful man so that I can create more powerful enemies to destroy at a later date.

Today I will be addressing the topic of eating. Most people know how to do it, unless of course they’ve forgotten due to irreparable brain damage from a horse archery accident like the daughter of one of my billionaire coworkers, but few people know how to do it successfully. Eating correctly is a valuable skill to have because most business deals take place either over meals or during illegal yacht parties in international waters where nude models typically serve food anyway.

Here are some things to keep in mind while eating.

 

1. Ordering. First of all, no meal should ever be eaten in your home. A home cooked meal is for children and immigrants who can’t afford takeout. All of your meals should be eaten in restaurants, on airplanes or off of a blond hooker’s body if you happen to be entertaining some Japanese businessmen in your office.

Your waitress, like most serving staff, should be female. This is for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that their bodies are simply built better for carrying things. But there is a passive, subconscious sexual tango between myself and every waitress who serves me, and it starts with ordering.

Start by ordering the most expensive bottle of brown liquor the establishment has. This will impress everyone in your immediate area and it’s what successful men deserve. If you’re in a restaurant that doesn’t serve any brown liquor then let someone else order for you. I’m not going to pretend I know anything about feminine drinks like wine or water, and even though letting someone else order for you could be misconstrued as a sacrifice of power, it’s always inappropriate to lie unless you’re discussing your income with the IRS.

Next you have to order food. Your entrée needs to have meat, and there are only two kinds of meat you’re allowed to eat – beef, or anything you have hunted and killed personally. Often you will be prompted to order a soup or salad with your meal. Never order salad. Vegetables are just food for actual food, at no point should they pass your lips. Additionally, appetizers are only appropriate if at least one other person in your party is also ordering one. It is imperative, however, that you never “split” or “share” an appetizer. Sharing is a sign of weakness and liberalism, and neither of those things have a place at the table.

 

I will continue this next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Dress Successfully

Hello, I’m John Francais Callahan. My entire life has been one upward journey from the lower-middle class to the top 1%. I got where I am today through hard work, detachment and a series of payoffs. And now I offer my wisdom in this weekly column here on Circus Killer News.

Today I am addressing an issue that has slowly been eating away at our nation’s integrity since the end of the Civil Rights Movement. I’m talking of course about the public dress code, or lack thereof. For decades, men in this country have slowly been easing back on the acceptability of children’s attire. It is now nearly impossible to walk one block without seeing a man wearing a t-shirt they obtained from a rock music concert in 2006, a hat being worn in the wrong direction, and a pair of loose-fitting shorts that were undoubtedly used to mop up cereal at some point. It is shameful to look at and I feel inclined to detail precisely how a man should dress himself if he wishes to be successful.

I should also clarify that this has nothing to do with the Civil Rights Movement and everything to do with Henry Fonda’s failures as a parent.

 

1. Suit. The phrase “a man is only as good as he dresses” is true to a degree. A man is also as good as the car he drives, the homes he owns, the women he’s slept with and the boats he’s taken those women out on shortly before they disappear. The reason why that phrase is true is because all of those things cost money. The more of those things you have, the more value you have as a human being. Ergo, the better the suit, the more valuable the man.

The Italians are good at three things – running small businesses, denying things in a court of law, and making suits. This is why Italian suits are the most expensive and why there is no Italian word for “embezzlement.” All of my suits are imported from Italy and probably cost more than your car. I wear each of them four times before selling them to a company that recycles old suits into coffin lining for dead Fortune 500 CEOs. This is the goal you want to work towards.

 

2. Necktie. A man’s tie represents his manhood. Your tie needs to be full, appropriately colored and made out of the same silk as Lou Dobbs’ hair. The only traditionally accepted colors are red, blue and occasionally black if you have a serious engagement to attend to, such as a horse’s funeral or a Bar Mitzvah. Every other color of tie is reserved for homosexuals; you are allowed to wear them but not too often as it might become offensive.

 

3. Hat. At no point is wearing a hat ever acceptable. If the Bible has taught us anything it’s that God intended white men to rule the Earth and that hair is directly related to power. By covering your hair with a hat, you are telling your opponents (which are every man that isn’t you) that you are cowardly and unsure of yourself. Hats and the newly formed “Hat Acceptance” movement are a leading cause of the destruction of traditional, American values.

Additionally, if you’re bald, there’s no hope for you.

 

That is all for this week’s edition of  “How to Succeed.”  I will be back next week with instructions on how to live your life better than however you are living it now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Introduce Yourself Successfully

My name is John Francais Callahan. Yes, that John Francais Callahan. For those of you not important enough to know my name, look me up on your own because listing my achievements here would take too long. I’m not on your time, you’re on mine.

For the record, I’m only here because my good friend Jacob S. Wydra asked me to and technically this counts as community service, which looks good in the public eye. Personally I find these self-help things to be a total waste of time. If you need someone else to tell you how to be successful, then you just don’t have what it takes. Regardless, here we are.

Today I’m going to tell you how to introduce yourself in a way that will shock your enemies into respecting you. There are several components to a good introduction.

 

1. The Handshake. This is arguably the most important part of any first meet. A good man such as myself can tell a lot by the way a man shakes my hand; which hand he fights with, which he writes with, how much he makes annually, the size of his boat, what sexual positions he prefers, things of this nature. Don’t shake hands like the man you are, shake hands like the man you want to be.

Of course a firm grip goes without saying; most men think it ends there. But a real man is able to channel his power from his manhood, up his body, through his arm and out of his hand. That’s what you want, for him to feel your manhood. And this first handshake is the only time you will be able to do this because it is the only time when it is acceptable to touch another man.

 

2. Eye Contact. Shut up. A wealthy person is about to speak. This is the message you need to convey with your eyes.

Eye contact is critical during the handshake phase. I mentioned power emanating through your hands but in fact your power should be penetrating all five of his senses. He should feel it through your handshake, see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice, smell it by detecting what exorbitant cologne you’re wearing, and taste the brown liquor on your breath. Each introduction should be a full-frontal five-sense assault on your enemy, ignoring of course the sixth sense that only the Pope knows about.

Sight, however, is the most powerful of the five common senses, making eye contact paramount in these first few moments of your introduction. Your eyes should be a shield that the sharpest of men cannot penetrate, and also a spear that pierces the eye-shield of the man you’re meeting. Using the shield-spear technique, you can successful identify all of a man’s weaknesses during the first moment you make eye contact without him doing the same thing to you. Ideally you wouldn’t have any weaknesses to speak of, but if that were the case you probably wouldn’t be reading this right now.

There are many more things I could say about this subject. So many, in fact, that I could write a book about it if it weren’t for the fact that writing professionally is a sign of failure. I’m not even writing this right now, I’m flawlessly dictating to my 2nd secretary’s secretary. But I have time for one more tip.

 

3. Subliminal Dominance. A good number of men you meet believe that the way to win an introduction is to brag about their achievements, belongings, lineage and/or sexual partners. Where these things are important, stating them outright and without prompt will give the impression that these things are all you are good for. This is not the impression you want to give; you want him to know that you are better than him. You want him feel as though he isn’t worth your time.

Take for example the way I introduced myself at the start of this. I let you know the truth, that my accomplishments are nearly endless, however I did not brag about what they were. I stressed that I wasn’t here to serve you and that my participation in this was strictly on my terms. This subconsciously put me in control of the situation, and that dominance will ring throughout the rest of our encounters.

 

I do not hope or expect you to have enjoyed this entry. If you’re smart, you will take this advice and use it to become a better man, giving me the opportunity to crush a worthy competitor. Keep reading each week, I would prefer a fair fight.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.