My name is John Francais Callahan. I was the only person at my school to be awarded Most Handsome, Most Successful and Most Hair all at once and as a freshman. I maintain this blog so that lesser men like you can have a glimpse at what it means to be truly magnificent.

Most men only sit down because it’s comfortable or they’re too tired to stand. I sit because it’s a power play. Sitting shows other men in the room that you aren’t worth their time. It shows them that you don’t need your feet to be in control, and if done properly, can open up no less than 31 sexual positions you’ve never heard of because most of them are illegal in the United States. Today, I shall go over the secrets of a successful sit.

 

1. Posture. Men and women can both sense power by the erectness of a man’s stance, and this applies to sitting just as much as it does to standing. Your feet should be firm on the floor, knees at a 90º angle. At no point should you ever fidget or cross your legs. Men who do this are nervous and likely hiding something, like a debilitating addiction or an attachment to someone with an embarrassing genetic illness.

Always make sure your back is upright and your shoulders are wide and broad. This is a tactic often used in the animal kingdom. Male peacocks will show off their feathers to intimidate inferior peacocks, bears will stand up on their hind legs to appear taller, and giraffes will perform cartwheels while lighting nearby buildings on fire. Every animal has their means of intimidation. For men, this lies primarily in the shoulders, chest and groin region. When you sit, it should be in a way that accentuates those areas of your body.

 

2. Movement. It is critical to maintain composure at all times, which means as little movement as possible. It does not matter if you learn that the senator’s son you loaned one of your yachts to has just crashed it or if a black person has just been elected president. You have to remain as calm and sensible as possible. Control indicates power. I once sat through an ordeal as gruesome as watching Dick Cheney have the steam engine that powers him replaced without wincing or turning away, and it’s housed in a part of his body that should be covered at all times and looks as sickening as what his soul probably looks like.

 

This concludes this week’s edition of “How to Succeed.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.