SPECIAL REPORT: Is Supercuts Stereotyping Against Bald Men?

Every American has been to a Supercuts at one point in their lives, whether it was for a drastic new look, a cheap touchup before an important interview, or to eat hair off of the floor because that Eastern European guy said it was the only way you could star in his movie. But what if this affordable staple of passable fashion was secretly stereotyping against the nation’s least fortunate demographic? What if the welcoming atmosphere of Supercuts is just as fake as that Eastern European guy’s film company turned out to be?

Rod Skagleyfoot contacted Circus Killer News after being victimized by the hair cutting giant. He says he was denied service for no other reason than that he was bald.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” said Skagleyfoot to Circus Killer News reporter Chip Chambers. “I’ve never heard of something like this happening before, except to people who are black or gay or women or something else weird.”

Skagleyfoot recalled times in the past when visiting Supercuts was a fun and relaxing experience; a time before he identified as a bald man.

“It used to be that in this country you was free to go to Supercuts and wait on a wobbly, uncomfortable bench in the lobby for 40 minutes while reading all the fancy French words on that wall of shampoos, and wondering if you can get away with taking one of those lollipops from the bowl by saying your kid is in the car. That’s the America I remember. And it’s gone.”

Skagleyfoot isn’t the first bald man to complain. In fact, many bald men complain about a lot of thing all the time. But Skagleyfoot isn’t the first to come forward with complaints about this specific thing. Bald men across the country have reported being denied service from Supercuts due to nothing more than their shiny, hairless tops.

To get to the bottom of this conspiracy, Chip Chambers went undercover as a bald man. Chip did everything he could to project a truly bald image. In addition to wearing a bald cap, Chip put on sandals, a t-shirt with words on it, and learned everything he could about canned beer. Chip was driven to a nearby Supercuts in our Circus Killer News van, which for this experiment was disguised as a 2002 Ford Taurus – a stereotypically bald car.

Chip was thrown out not soon after entering. No recording devices were allowed in the establishment due to recent Great Clips espionage attempts, so none of what transpired could be captured on film or audio. According to Chip’s reports, however, the stylist who greeted him did so at gunpoint and ordered him back out onto the street.

Chip returned later that day without the bald makeup. He was surprised to find that the exact same stylist who had just hours earlier threatened to “scalp [his] freakishly naked head and hang it up on the scalp wall for all to see” now greeted him pleasantly and without a firearm. As Chip sat wrapped up in that black tarp that protects people from the radiation of the electric shavers, and the hair stylist trimmed his hair while droning on about her friend’s sister’s fiancée’s landscaping business or whatever, Chip felt as though the world was supposed to be better than such vile, petty prejudices. In those few minutes he spiraled into a deep, inescapable depression that radically shook his entire worldview at its core. In the middle of his haircut, Chip activated his emergency Circus Killer News cyanide tooth, and became the thirteenth thing to die in that particular hair stylist’s hands.

Rest in peace, Chip Chambers. This Circus Killer News Special Report is dedicated to you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Hat Worn In Lieu Of Shower

Derek Mariscone, a 28-year-old social media manager from Chicago, successfully fooled everyone he encountered last Tuesday when he wore a hat instead of showering. Mariscone said the idea just came to him the night before.

“I was staying up late watching something that wasn’t porn,” said Mariscone, “and dreading how early I was going to have to get up the next day to shower before work. I didn’t want to shower, but I knew I had to.”

Mariscone recalled thinking that people would immediately be able to tell by the state of his hair that he had willfully neglected his personal hygiene.

“Then it hit me,” said Mariscone, “If I just wear a hat then no one will be able to see my hair, they won’t be able to tell that I’m actually a disgusting greaseball. I don’t know why no one has thought of this before.”

Mariscone strode about Chicago yesterday brimming with confidence despite feeling like an ape turd.

“Normally when I don’t bathe I just feel so gross and depressed the whole day,” said Mariscone. “I still felt it, of course, but this time nobody really saw it. They still saw me use my sleeves as napkins and cry in the Wendy’s parking lot, but I could tell this time people thought it was for a cool reason and not just because I’m a pathetic loser.”

Mariscone’s coworkers also noted a positive change in the man they once forgot about and accidentally locked in the building during a gas leak.

“I was actually planning on firing Derek today,” said Mariscone’s boss Sheila Burns, “but I saw some guy wearing a hat sitting at Derek’s desk, so I assume I already fired him during a coke high and just don’t remember. But I’ll tell you what I do remember, and it’s that that little moron never wore hats. It’s the one thing about him I found tolerable.”

Mariscone made no official claim as to whether or not he would undergo the full “hat guy” conversion.

“I guess I’ve thought about being a hat guy, I don’t know,” said Mariscone. “I mean, I’d have to change my name to Mike or Rob or something, and I’d probably have to start wearing shirts with words on them and post political things on Facebook. I don’t know, I’m really just experimenting right now.”

Mariscone said he’s unsure whether his future will be a hat filled one, but he was able to guarantee that he will quit bathing indefinitely.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Forced to Wait 40 Goddamn Minutes for Haircut

Local office worker Donald McMillan was tragically inconvenienced yesterday afternoon when he was forced to wait in a forty minute line just to get a goddamn haircut. Supercuts was the first of many stops that Donald had planned to make after work, but the unusually long wait time forced those plans to be changed.

“I didn’t even have time to stop at a supermarket to get dinner, so I had to resort to fast food,” said Donald. “I mean, I don’t mind fast food at all, but this is the second night in a row now, you know?”

An investigation is underway to determine the cause of the delay, but experts speculate that if Shauna and Gina hadn’t both called in sick, the wait time might have been shortened to fifteen, or even ten minutes.

“What really doesn’t add up about this case,” said renowned haircutologist Dr. Brooke Jenkinsen, “is that Shauna asked to take yesterday off two weeks ago and was denied. And Gina has been flakey ever since she learned that her husband died in Afghanistan. This is going to be a pretty lengthy investigation.”

No news yet on whether or not this scandal will affect Supercuts and its parent company Outstandinghaircuttersanddressers in any lasting way.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Dress Successfully

Hello, I’m John Francais Callahan. My entire life has been one upward journey from the lower-middle class to the top 1%. I got where I am today through hard work, detachment and a series of payoffs. And now I offer my wisdom in this weekly column here on Circus Killer News.

Today I am addressing an issue that has slowly been eating away at our nation’s integrity since the end of the Civil Rights Movement. I’m talking of course about the public dress code, or lack thereof. For decades, men in this country have slowly been easing back on the acceptability of children’s attire. It is now nearly impossible to walk one block without seeing a man wearing a t-shirt they obtained from a rock music concert in 2006, a hat being worn in the wrong direction, and a pair of loose-fitting shorts that were undoubtedly used to mop up cereal at some point. It is shameful to look at and I feel inclined to detail precisely how a man should dress himself if he wishes to be successful.

I should also clarify that this has nothing to do with the Civil Rights Movement and everything to do with Henry Fonda’s failures as a parent.

 

1. Suit. The phrase “a man is only as good as he dresses” is true to a degree. A man is also as good as the car he drives, the homes he owns, the women he’s slept with and the boats he’s taken those women out on shortly before they disappear. The reason why that phrase is true is because all of those things cost money. The more of those things you have, the more value you have as a human being. Ergo, the better the suit, the more valuable the man.

The Italians are good at three things – running small businesses, denying things in a court of law, and making suits. This is why Italian suits are the most expensive and why there is no Italian word for “embezzlement.” All of my suits are imported from Italy and probably cost more than your car. I wear each of them four times before selling them to a company that recycles old suits into coffin lining for dead Fortune 500 CEOs. This is the goal you want to work towards.

 

2. Necktie. A man’s tie represents his manhood. Your tie needs to be full, appropriately colored and made out of the same silk as Lou Dobbs’ hair. The only traditionally accepted colors are red, blue and occasionally black if you have a serious engagement to attend to, such as a horse’s funeral or a Bar Mitzvah. Every other color of tie is reserved for homosexuals; you are allowed to wear them but not too often as it might become offensive.

 

3. Hat. At no point is wearing a hat ever acceptable. If the Bible has taught us anything it’s that God intended white men to rule the Earth and that hair is directly related to power. By covering your hair with a hat, you are telling your opponents (which are every man that isn’t you) that you are cowardly and unsure of yourself. Hats and the newly formed “Hat Acceptance” movement are a leading cause of the destruction of traditional, American values.

Additionally, if you’re bald, there’s no hope for you.

 

That is all for this week’s edition of  “How to Succeed.”  I will be back next week with instructions on how to live your life better than however you are living it now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.