The Bible

Blogger Forgets Perfect Idea

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Jonas Krakauer, of Blue Ridge, New Jersey, claims he came up with the best idea that he has ever had for his satirical news blog, but he forgot the idea before getting to his phone or his computer. Jonas says he’s lost a number of great ideas this way, but he knows something was different about this one particular idea.

“It was so good,” says Jonas. “It was politically smart but easy to comprehend. It was bold, it was funny… fuck, I just can’t remember it.”

Jonas says that his blog, which has been running for over three years, is starting to slow down. He’s having trouble coming up with content and there are days when he sees little reason to keep it going. He claims this recent idea he forgot would have changed everything.

“I know it had something to do with space aliens,” says Jonas. “It was like, space aliens going to a school, or the White House, or something. I think there was something about the Second Coming, or maybe it was the Second Amendment. Goddammit, it was so good.”

Jonas has tried recreating the circumstances in which the idea came to him to try and jog his memory. So far, he has been unsuccessful.

“I remember I was drying my hair and looking out the window at the same time, and I saw a woman walk by my house with a baby stroller. So I’ve just been staring out the window, trying to think, and every time I see a woman with a baby stroller I dump a bucket of water on my head and start drying. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’ve never washed my hair this much before, so at least I’m getting something out of it.”

Jonas says he might just give up on the idea altogether and instead write about how he can’t come up with anything.

“Obviously that would be boring for the reader, and so incredibly vain,” says Jonas, “but desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

8 Facts That Prove Climate Change Is A Hoax

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With the media being dominated by fake news stations like CNN, MSNBC, and everything else that isn’t The Daily Caller, it can be difficult to tell the difference between a legitimate climate change report and a hoax. Like always, Circus Killer News went ahead to bring you all the facts so you know what’s real and what isn’t.

 

1. God doesn’t believe in it.
Climate change is not mentioned anywhere in the bible. If God hasn’t told us it’s real, then there’s no way it could be.

2. The Earth still gets cold sometimes.
If the Earth is really heating up then there shouldn’t be any more winters. The months would just go from November to March, but if you look at any calendar, you’ll see that this is not the case.

3. The Earth shouldn’t be the only world that’s changing.
People haven’t only existed on Earth; we also visited the Moon. If humans were truly a contributing factor to climate change then the Moon’s climate should be changing, too.

4. Electric cars don’t work.
We’re told electric cars are healthier for the environment because they don’t pollute the air as much, and therefore do not contribute to climate change. My neighbor drives an electric car, however, and he suffocated in his apartment last week, so clearly electric cars don’t keep the air clean.

5. There’s no way we’re melting the polar ice caps.
It is true that humans make places warmer; cities are often warmer than countrysides because of all the people, energy, and drugs. The polar ice caps might be melting, but since humans don’t have any civilizations at the north or south poles, there’s no way we’re responsible. Most likely the melting is due to intense polar bear sex.

6. Even if the ice caps are melting, so what?
Scientists would have you believe that if the polar ice caps melt, sea levels around the world would rise several feet, erasing islands and shrinking coastlines. What those scientists don’t admit, however, is that water evaporates into the air. If anything we should be having a thicker atmosphere, not a depleting ozone layer.

7. There are no “superstorms.”
Scientists have warned that climate change will lead the planet into a new era of highly volatile superstorms, and yet no tornado, hurricane, or volcano has every been photographed wearing the Superman logo.

8. Scientists lie all the time. 
The truth is, science has no real use in society. Scientists must lie all the time to try and keep their faux profession alive instead of getting a real hard-working blue-collar job. Other examples of money-driven lies that scientists tell are that vaccines work, that Pluto is not a planet, and that the numbness I feel in my left foot is somehow related to the 200 fluid ounces of soda I drink everyday.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #05

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 12th, 2019 – Zombies March in Livingston in Protest of New Mississippi Law

Four hours ago, a horde of zombies began marching through the streets of Livingston, Mississippi, in protest of the state’s new “Armed Survivors” law that allows civilians to shoot any living dead they come across. Since their initial rise eight months ago, the nation’s zombies have been constantly threatened, hunted and denied the rights of living citizens. The protest appears to be a bad move on the part of the zombies as dozens of civilians and armed service people alike have met at the site of the protest to begin picking off the horde of the restless one by one. Still, many are saying that this might become the longest protest in history because in the last four hours the zombies have only made it five feet.

 

2. January 27th, 2036 – Global Rise in Sea Levels Must Mean Second Biblical Flood, America’s Leaders Say

Sea levels around the world have risen an average of 40 feet in the last 20 years, causing many US public officials to declare that a second biblical flood is upon us. Several representatives of Congress agree that recent trends such as the acceptance of homosexuality, “allowing more Hispanics in politics,” and jean shorts, have angered God enough to send another flood to Earth and cleanse the world of such sins. Congress recently approved the construction of an ark massive enough to hold half of the nation’s congressman, along with their families, mistresses and top three favorite lobbyists, to be finished in exactly five years.

 

3. January 28th, 2041 – US Government Sees Most Productive Day in US History

It was confirmed at 7:30pm EST tonight that the US government held its most productive day in the history of the nation, with congress passing more laws and writing more bills today than have been passed or written in the last five years. With the vast majority of the country’s senior elected officials refusing to run in the previous election and choosing instead to wait aboard a massive $56 billion wooden ship, America’s new, youngest-ever batch of congressmen and women managed to cut the deficit in half, create 6 million more jobs and start a series of environmental programs which scientists estimate will normalize the planet’s climate and recede the world’s sea levels by 2044, most of whom while wearing stylish new jean shorts from today’s hottest gay Hispanic designers.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.